Today is my birthday and he is going to make it hell.

[izzitme]

Good Morning,

I am in despair today, for the past 6 months really.  My un husband has been, in his words "seething with rage" for me and nothing I do is ever good enough. He is always angry with me. He is extremely demanding of my time and energy and when I don't do something on his time frame or fail to do it, I hear about everything that is wrong about me.  Today is my birthday and he is using it to punish me for all of my faults. I am dreading him waking up and how he is going to treat me. He blames me for everything that goes wrong even if I have nothing to do with it. I have become a cat on a hot tin roof trying to achieve his demands but the more I do the more they multiply. My self-esteem is gone. I have been battling an illness that I am waiting to see specialists for and he throws this up to my face. The shame I feel is weighing me down and it is affecting every area of my life. He is leaving on a business trip and won't be back until Wednesday and I am thinking about going to hotel and not being here when he gets back in hopes that the anger will diffuse and he will start seeing me for who I really am and not the do nothing monster he projects and portrays me to be.  Any advice and virtual hugs would be so nice right now, especially today.  I am really down.

[Witz_End]

First... happy birthday!   

Extended periods of being split black are extremely rough.  I'm sorry to hear that.

I can also really sympathize about the birthday thing.  Mine was on the 6th and note that I was in here at critical mass and weighing checking *myself* into a hospital on the 7th.  It was a horrible birthday for me as well.

No advice in this response, really... just an "I hear you" and some support.  I hope you find something for yourself today that brightens it somehow.

[snowglobe]

Good Morning,

I am in despair today, for the past 6 months really.  My un husband has been, in his words "seething with rage" for me and nothing I do is ever good enough. He is always angry with me. He is extremely demanding of my time and energy and when I don't do something on his time frame or fail to do it, I hear about everything that is wrong about me.  Today is my birthday and he is using it to punish me for all of my faults. I am dreading him waking up and how he is going to treat me. He blames me for everything that goes wrong even if I have nothing to do with it. I have become a cat on a hot tin roof trying to achieve his demands but the more I do the more they multiply. My self-esteem is gone. I have been battling an illness that I am waiting to see specialists for and he throws this up to my face. The shame I feel is weighing me down and it is affecting every area of my life. He is leaving on a business trip and won't be back until Wednesday and I am thinking about going to hotel and not being here when he gets back in hopes that the anger will diffuse and he will start seeing me for who I really am and not the do nothing monster he projects and portrays me to be.  Any advice and virtual hugs would be so nice right now, especially today.  I am really down.

Dearest Izzitme,
First of all happiest birthday to you, congratulations, you have been given another year to live and a new lease on life. I know firsthand what it is like to live in these conditions. I could not have wrote it better. Birthdays are especially triggering for them because it’s all about you. Other people show you their appreciation and love. Something that they try to monopolize on. I have almost lost an eye several years ago after a rage incident when my ubpdh was going crazy since I wanted to celebrate it and be with my family and friends. You are not alone, take it for the face value, he is sick and his projection isn’t about you. It’s him.

[snowglobe]

I also want to tell you about projection, when you describe you being somehow responsible of everything that is going wrong in his life. Like a child who isn’t able to take and accept responsibility for his actions, your ubpdh is projecting his incompetence and failures on to you. Ask yourself a question, can you make the rain fall? Do you really have the power to make someone feel miserable? If we did, we would probably keep them happy all the time. Just like you have no control over making him feel placated and happy, you can’t make someone feel angry and resentful. Detach with love, imagine you are single, but not looking for any relationships. Live you life during those times as if you are. Don’t wait on him to come around, at some point he will, but it’s hard to predict when. Usually once we detach and don’t add the fuel to the fire bpds can come down and change the way they see us.

[snowglobe]

About leaving- don’t put your finger on the trigger unless you are ready to fire. You may trigger his abandonment issues And him discard the relationships. Abandonment is the core theme and fear of any bpd. What they need is consistent and safe environment. If you take off he may interpret that As you not loving him anymore and to save himself more pain and anguish he can decide to terminate the relationships on his term. Are you ready for that?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey IM, I'm sorry to hear you are in such pain.  What keeps you hangin' on, as the song says?  Presumably there is something familiar about the dynamic in your r/s.  What might that be?  Where do you think it comes from?

LuckyJim

[ct21218]

I'm sorry that you are going through this, happy belated birthday.  Can you do something nice for yourself this week without him?  Maybe treat yourself to a massage or go out to dinner with a girlfriend?

[Cat Familiar]

I’ll join the others in wishing you a happy belated birthday 

I hope you’re feeling better today.

Cat

[Enabler]

Happy Birthday from sunny England (although it’s now nighttime... and it was cloudy today!)

It’s my Burp Day tomorrow... in 1hr 40 mins to be precise... whoop whoop

[Cat Familiar]

Happy Birthday, Enabler, from rainy Northern California 

[AskingWhy]

pwBPD tend to see their partners as care takers and expect us to fulfill all of their needs.  As such, if we disappoint (as we eventually will) they will devalue us and rage at us.

You are well aware your H rage is not about you.

I also have medical issues that make it hard to me to get around at times.  I cannot always drive, and cannot often clean the house.

My uBPD H values me for what use I can be for him.  As the NPD side of BPD, I am an object to be used.

My H resents me for his having to take me to medical appointments.  One time I had a minor procedure and the doctor told me I was not to drive due to the sedation.  My H took me to the appointment, but raged his resentment all the way home.  At one point, I complained about his lack of empathy, and H stopped the car in the middle of the street, put it in park, and left the car, walking down the street and out of view.  You can't make this up.  

Frantic and terrified I would be hit by oncoming traffic in a stopped car, I tried to get out of the passenger seat so I could at least get into the driver's seat to pull the car over to the kerb.  As I was struggling to get from the passenger seat, H reappeared, got back into the car, snarled at me for being worthless and a complainer, and drove us home.  H also said he would leave me stranded in traffic again if I angered him again.

Holidays are particular h@ll for us nons.  Our partners are on high alert, maybe from memories of their childhood days.  My own H was raised on poverty by a uNPD F, and birthdays and Christmas were more about his F lavishing what little money they had on himself.  H's M got very little, and the children got very little.

I agree with SG that your H is projecting onto you his unhappiness about himself.

Again, it's not about you.  I suggest you do something nice for yourself.  Do not tell your H about this as it might anger him into saying, "You are never happy with what I do for you!"