Help to get us talking again.

[Emilee33]

  Hi. My story is a long one. But basically I decided to become friends with my ex-boyfriend this past year. He has BPD, which I realize after he broke up with me the first time... back in 2016. We were friends only this time around for about 10 months. We had a wonderful friendship and I tried to put up boundaries. And even though we said really sweet things to one another, we were not physical. Then about 6 weeks ago he admitted that he had been deceiving me. Because I was caught off guard, I flipped out and declared we should no longer be friends. Of course, I regretted saying that and tried to mend things the next day, but it was too late. Because only 2 days later, he flipped the script, acting like I was the bad guy and decided to cut off our friendship over something I did that was really trivial. He blew it out of proportion so he could cut me off instead. Now most people tell me that no contact is the best way to go. However, I've read about pwbpd's fear of Abandonment. And that a lot of times when they push you away and say really mean and nasty things, it could be a cry for help, like "don't leave me." Or a test to see if I'm still devoted. So basically he says he wants nothing to do with me, that I'm a horrible person, he doesn't want my friendship and to leave him alone. Obviously when someone says that, you should probably just leave them alone! But I know it's the BPD that caused this and I just wish he could see the truth. I know there is no magic words to make him split back, but my question is should I really leave him alone for good? Or should I still periodically try to reassure him that I love him no matter what? Of course I'm afraid that the longer I wait, the more he will hate me because he already refuses to see me. (Probably because he knows that if he did, I would convince him to be friends again.) I'm also afraid he will go back to his abusive ex who is no good for him. But he keeps going back to her anyway, I'm assuming because he is self-sabotaging. So I'm not sure what the right thing to do is. Thank you in advance for any answers.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ColdKnight]

Hi Emilee and welcome! You will find a lot of support her from people in similar situations. Read their stories, comment with your insight and reach out to others. It helps tremendously.

What was he deceiving you about?

What did his last text say?

What do you want out of this “relationship” with him?

[Emilee33]

I don't understand fully understand how the forum works, but I am responding to Cold Knight:

The deceiving part is a long story. And if I make it really short it makes it seem like I'm just a jealous ex-girlfriend. But after he and I broke up in 2016, he immediately  got a new girlfriend off the internet, of course. They were together (on and off) for roughly two years. Then last fall after she moved out, we decided to be friends again. Since then, he kept talking to her and every time he did, he would complain about it and say how much she hurt his feelings. And I told him that I don't want to hear about it if he's going to talk to her, then keep it himself. But it kept getting worse and worse, and finally this past May I wrote him an email saying look, I hate to do this, but I have no choice. And at this point I was trying to set good boundaries. I said, it's either her or me. He wrote back to me immediately and said that I was right! Then he forwarded me a email he sent her saying that it was over for good.  Fast forward to July. (May was his birthday and I gave him some amazing presents!) So in July it was my birthday and he did the same. But he kept pushing to get closer and closer to me. A few weeks after that, he revealed that he had gone back to his ex and spent the night together with her, just two days before my birthday. He said he was lying to me to protect me. So then of course I was like I had enough! And then I regretted it, but it was too late. He already painted me black to protect himself, I'm assuming.

He actually blocked me everywhere except for e-mail. And his last e-mail said that the last time we spoke (on the phone 6 weeks ago) that I acted like a psychotic weird stalker that just insisted that he was leading me on, when all he was trying to do is be a friend. Which in reality, is not true. Because I tried to set boundaries just to be friends, so this wouldn't happen. I knew he was still healing from his past relationship and I was not trying to push any romance on to him. But now he acted like I was madly in love with him and he wanted nothing to do with me. He said he didn't want my friendship and to leave him alone.

What do I want out of the relationship? Well originally (this time) I just wanted to be friends. But he kept saying such loving things to me... calling me his Muse and his Angel... the typical idolizing. He even asked me to move in with him last winter, and I told him that was way too fast, even as friends. Then back in June I wrote him an email saying that I wouldn't want to force him into a relationship, but if he wanted to be in one again eventually, I hoped he would choose me. He admitted that he felt the same way about me, but he was uneasy about starting a romantic relationship with me. We both agreed that we were back and forth on it and that's all we really said about it. And on my birthday he was super sweet and brought me flowers and gifts, excetera. And just when I started to fall from really hard, that's when he pulled the carpet out from underneath of me. He is a musician, and it is really hard to walk away. Because he is super talented and I love all of his music. And it's hard for me not to think of him when I get his songs stuck in my head! My point being is that we also started to finally record music together! Which is something I've always wanted. I'm new to singing, but he was encouraging. We even had plans to make music videos. And then bam! This happened. I feel like the connection I have with him is stronger than anyone I've ever known. And that's what keeps me wanting to come back to him because he gets me like no other. He has also said the same about me.

[ColdKnight]

“I don’t understand how the forum works”
You are doing just fine. Don’t worry about your posts being long. Getting it all out helps you and the detail helps others who want help understand.

It is good that you do acknowledge that you want be more than friends again.

What caused the initial break up two years ago?

And when you decided to be friends again, who’s idea was that? Did you fully agree to that or were you secretly wanting to get back together again.

I agree with you setting boundaries but I think you need to start slow as you are just friends. He is the one who broke up with you so unfortunately he has to be the one to decide to come back. You can’t force it on him. I know that is not what you are doing that but telling him “it is either me or her” is likely to cause major engulfment fears as you can see.

I think a better approach would have been “when you say such sweet things like that to me it really makes me feel like we are together again and it makes me want more from you. If that is not what you want right now I have to ask you to please not cross that friendship boundary” It’s tough because I know how good the affection feels.

But that is the past. You obviously want him back in you life and the first step is being able to communicate with him again.

How did your last communication with him go? What was his last text?

As far as the fear of abatement goes, and the whole “they want you to prove you love them by reaching out” I will tell you that I DO NOT BELIEVE that. I feel you can do FAR MORE damage by continuing to reach out to them than you can by backing off and letting them come to you. When they say “I am done! Never contact me again” They mean it...at least until the next day when they reach out like nothing happened.

That is just my opinion. I am no expert.

[Stillhopeful4]

As far as the fear of abatement goes, and the whole “they want you to prove you love them by reaching out” I will tell you that I DO NOT BELIEVE that. I feel you can do FAR MORE damage by continuing to reach out to them than you can by backing off and letting them come to you. When they say “I am done! Never contact me again” They mean it...at least until the next day when they reach out like nothing happened.
That is just my opinion. I am no expert.

Hi there,

I'm going to agree with ColdKnight on this.  If the BPD is already upset with you most of the times they will twist anything you say or do to give them reason to stay mad at you!  I agree that backing off and letting them come to you seems to be the way to go.  Now that doesn't mean shutting them out...kind of "I'm sorry xyz, I'll give you some space and when  you are ready to talk I'll be here."  Something along those lines.

Best of luck to you,
SH4

[Emilee33]

Ok, thank you both for your feedback!