I'm looking for phrases to resetablish contact with daughter

[SamwizeGamgee]

Greetings friends,
My story is covered in my posts from several years ago.  I'm managing, actually just surviving marriage to a recovering(ish) uBDPw of the waif variety. 

I am staying married to keep my contact with the kids (three left at home).  I can't foresee this lasting much longer. 

My D18 has been off on her own, living and succeeding at college.  She has been strict no-contact with me, exclusively, for over two years.  During some of my wife's peak rages and blame fests when my marriage was a wide-open wound really made an impression on an already sensitive girl - she's cast me apparently as all black and has cut me out.  Another casualty of this is her relationship with the other kids and my parents.

I am looking for phrases, or approaches, or a strategy, to try to re-establish a connection.  I think my divorce is on the near horizon, but wanted to attempt to strengthen an frail connection to D18 before things might blow-up again. 

I've started reading things from Dr. Amy Baker.  I'm amazed how much loyalty conflict / parental alienation has been going on right under my nose, in my own house, and while still married. (side note, fear of making this worse is a significant driver in me staying married).

Any pointers appreciated.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Panda39]

I recently came across an article from Psychology Today...

 https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/resolution-not-conflict/201909/parental-alienation-what-therapists-need-know

Within the article is a link that I thought was helpful because it gives suggestions for responses, it's near the bottom of the article... "Amy Baker and Paul Fine (2008) delineate 17 strategies of alienating parents, then offers suggestions for targeted parents about how to respond to these tactics."

It might be helpful at the very least with the kids you still have at home, because yes alienation can happen within a marriage.  You might consider a Therapist for yourself to assist/support you with strategies to help minimize the alienation that continues to go on in the home and help with ways to reach out to your 18 year old.

Here is a link to more on Parental Alienation from this site...https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=104479.0

Your 18 year old is more tricky because she is an adult living on her own, and if she chooses to be no contact that is her decision.  Because of her age and because you aren't divorced you can't force contact through the court. 

In terms of what to say to your daughter if it were me... I love you, I miss you, and would love to reconnect.

Panda39

[SamwizeGamgee]

Thank you.  The phrase you suggest sums it up.  "Loosing" a child like I did is wickedly painful.

[livednlearned]

What would you say to her if she was present in your life?

Maybe start there. Write it down.

She is not likely to want to feel responsible for comforting your feelings. These tend to be kids who are exquisitely sensitive to adults looking for validation from children.