Hey I'm new. I'm not the first nor the last to talk about this...

[existentialrhyme]

New Member Alert! 

I'm a twin (both female and identical). We've never formally diagnosed with BPD so I could be blowing things out of proportion. Although I have always seen BPD symptoms and characteristics in my twin sister. However, it could easily be me gaslighting or overreacting... My family and I do not currently have the time or financial resources to diagnose each other with mental illness. Although, I would not be here if arguments (over random things like commercials) did not have a 1 in 4 chance of devolving into violence.

Even though we did not fistfight this time I was inspired to search online for tips on how to get through disagreements or differences in opinion after we fought about some random woman in a commercial. I'm 20 years old and I just want to be able to not get into screaming matches over random small things. Every time it happens I feel like I'm behaving like a 5-year-old.

While reading some of the articles on bpdfamily, I noticed some things about myself. I always prided myself on being a "stand for what's right" kind of girl. It's one of the only favorite characteristics about myself. I just wondered what are some mantras or steps you go through to prevent yourself from saying something.

In my case, I think my twin, in some instances, is cruelly cynical and intensely hypercritical. We'd be watching a commercial and all of sudden she would start antagonizing mother, child or father on-screen. How do you go about holding your tongue? What are the ways you resist the urge to telling someone to be a little more openminded or empathetic? Even though I could try working on my phrasing, but I can't imagine a way of saying something like this without her perceiving it as a passive-aggressive jab.

Even writing about has already helped quite a bit... I realize becoming a martyr for a fictional family is probably not worth the trouble. I'll keep this in mind next time. Although, I can't foresee myself fully resisting the urge to say something if she does something similar again. I guess I'm worried complacency with her negative opinions will lead to her openly insulting and hurting our family members and friends.

For example, one of my cousins recently got in trouble with the law. He's still a teen though, but he's somewhat proud of his street cred. While I understand the need to discourage his behavior when he's being a prick about it. She stoops to cussing him out or low-blow insults (even in public and in the presence of strangers). In these situations, where I feel she has no place to insult him and it's not the time or the place what should I do? I know what articles are telling me to do, but I want to understand what real people do to avoid arguments.

Thanks for listening! Sorry about the self-righteous monologue!  Especially, if this wasn't even the way you are supposed to introduce ourselves. Sorry in advance!

[Kwamina]

Hi existentialrhyme

Welcome to our online community and thanks for the introduction

On here we sometimes say 'it takes two to tango'. Regardless of how our BPD family-member behaves, our own responses are also crucial in the relationship dynamics. From your post it becomes clear that you are also realizing that it might be beneficial to focus on your own responses to your sister.

Verbal and physical abuse are definitely things I consider unacceptable. Setting and enforcing/defending firm boundaries with your sister will be very important going forward. The physical violence between the two of you, is it always started by your sister?

Has your sister ever expressed how she feels about the arguments that devolve into (physical) violence?

The Board Parrot

[Pilpel]

Welcome to the board, existentialrhyme.  If you go to the main BPD family page, there is a drop down menu with Tools.  I think that's a good place to start. 

Are you both agreeing that you want to watch the same shows?  She can't literally be antagonizing characters on the screen.  She's antagonizing you.  It could be a problem if she's usually negative and sarcastic.  But it just be a different style of watching tv.  You like to get into the story.  And she likes to poke fun at things.  And both are valid ways of watching tv, they just don't get along watching together.  There's a whole genre of movie riffs.  Like Mystery Science Theater 3000, that is all about poking fun at bad movies.  Maybe that's her style.  My husband and I have mostly similar tastes in movies.  But every now and then he won't be into a movie, and he'll start to make comments about the implausibility of the plot or how dumb a character is, and I'll have to tell him "Quiet, I'm actually getting into this story."  And vis-versa.