Safety Plan

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I’ve been posting on the Bettering board for a bit now, and have been really working on the lessons there. If I’m being honest, I am conflicted about this relationship at best, and due to recent homicidal ideation, which I’ve gotten great advice for, plus fairly frequent rage incidents, I am working on a safety plan. Perhaps members posting here have some experience with planning? The way things are going so far today I might need help ASAP. My question is:

If my husband is *just* raging, and I don’t want to take the emotional toll, or if he gets violent with things - not people/pets- (for example- he kicked out part of our door a couple weeks ago and it terrified the kids) and I want to leave, do I tell him where I’m going so he doesn’t think I’m kidnapping the kids or something else sinister (when he’s like this, reason is not a strong suit)? If HI (towards me especially, which, as far as I know has not happened yet), I leave and DON’T say where we’re going. Or do I never indicate where we leave to?

Any and all advice is welcome. Thanks in advance.

[Ray2017]

I’ve been posting on the Bettering board for a bit now, and have been really working on the lessons there. If I’m being honest, I am conflicted about this relationship at best, and due to recent homicidal ideation, which I’ve gotten great advice for, plus fairly frequent rage incidents, I am working on a safety plan. Perhaps members posting here have some experience with planning? The way things are going so far today I might need help ASAP. My question is:

If my husband is *just* raging, and I don’t want to take the emotional toll, or if he gets violent with things - not people/pets- (for example- he kicked out part of our door a couple weeks ago and it terrified the kids) and I want to leave, do I tell him where I’m going so he doesn’t think I’m kidnapping the kids or something else sinister (when he’s like this, reason is not a strong suit)? If HI (towards me especially, which, as far as I know has not happened yet), I leave and DON’T say where we’re going. Or do I never indicate where we leave to?

Any and all advice is welcome. Thanks in advance.

[Cat Familiar]

Where are you planning to go, should another violent episode occur? Hotel, friend’s or family’s house?

Do you have a safe place to stash a go bag with clothing, medications, cash, for yourself and the children, where he won’t be able to find it?

[Ray2017]

I’m just starting the plan this week... Mentally I know to get clothes and meds. I didn’t think about cash (I never have any on me), so thank you for that. I know where I’d put the bag - a place only I have access to.  My parents would be great, but they don’t have a ton of room. My mother-in-law does, so I’d probably go there (she knows the situation-ish - not the HI, but knows the rage- and has said in the past we’re welcome there). My plan was to put this together this afternoon when the kids and i are supposed to be alone. He’ll be home unexpectedly in a few minutes which pushes my gathering back. I just don’t know if I tell him where we’ll be or just leave and turn off location services on our devices when it’s “just” rage/destruction of property.

[Gemsforeyes]

I’m so sorry, Ray.

If you’re leaving in an emergency situation or feel any threatening behavior at ALL (which IS the catalyst for a SAFETY PLAN), you do NOT tell him where you’re going.  And you call 911 ASAP.  No secrets from the outside world, I believe.  Actually any secrets at this point is too heavy a burden for you.  And potentially dangerous.  My opinion. 

You’ll inform your H that you’re somewhere safe after you ARE somewhere safe and that you and the children all love him.

Others’ thoughts?

If your H is on any location app tied to you or the kids’ phones / other devices, you disconnect him from that.  But it’d be best to let authorities, your moms, LIMITED TRUSTED family members know you’re safe and be able to track your whereabouts.  The DV people can provide protocol on this aspect.

In an emergency situation, would it be SAFE to go to his mom’s house, or your parents’ for that matter?  You may end up there, but the initial place needs to be “hidden”.   

Have you made contact with any nearby DV shelters for their input?  That type of confidential contact for advice is recommended when making your plan.

May I ask... what psyche services is he receiving?  I recall that when you first joined, your H was just about to exit the hospital.  Is he receiving any serious follow-up care?  Does anyone aside from you know about the HI threats?

I understand he’s a first responder, but at this rate, trying to “protect” his “persona” or reputation is sadly irrelevant,  and may be putting people in danger.  If he’s refusing available help, you cannot “save” his reputation by hiding what’s happening.

If you haven’t done so already, please take a look at the SAFETY FIRST link.

Finally, is there anything specific you can put your finger on that may have triggered his current escalation?

Again, I am so sorry, Ray.  I know it’s devastating just having to think in these terms.  Perhaps tell at least one of the guys he works with?

Please keep posting and let us know what you think and how you’re all doing.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Ray2017]

How we arrived here? We had a sizable, days long storm in our area, with high winds. With our daughter breaking her arm last weekend, we didn’t see the forecast, and therefore didn’t pull our boat off its mooring. By the time we understood the severity of the situation, it would be dangerous for anyone to try and pull it. It made it through the first 2 1/2 days of the storm, but when I checked on it this morning, it was capsized. Total loss, plus the difficulty of righting it and getting it out (it was old, so we didn’t have any insurance on it). It’s co-owned with my dad, who’s away, and there’s already tension between them regarding the boat. My H’s reaction is not good, but it’s only been suicidal ideation, at least to me, no HI spoken out loud.I have told his T in the spring about the Hi, the social worker at the hospital, and my T (and here- there’s a thread on the Bettering board about it). The HI is why I need a safety plan. Right now I don’t feel in danger, but I will get me, the kids, and the dogs out if I feel in danger. I hope it doesn’t come to that.

He (in a veiled way- enough our 10 year old got it) threatened suicide in front of the kids. I am so upset about that. I wait to say how that’s not ok rather than right now?

Will type more when I can. I certainly don’t broadcast that I visit here. Thanks for your help, Cat. I truly appreciate it!

[Ray2017]

I had a private minute, so I’ll answer the question about his current psych care. Same T as pre-hospitalization, he did not pursue any treatment (like DBT) though they did try and set him up with a new therapist that did DBT. Prescribed anti-depressants -and Xanax for emergencies. He thinks his reactions to events are entirely justifiable based on how “others” (supposedly) treat him. This has only gotten stronger in the last couple years. When he first started getting help, it was because he knew HE needed help. I don’t know if he believes that any more.

You’re right about secrets... I want to be an ostrich, stick my head in the sand and make it go away. I know that’s not reality. I need to be brave. One foot in front of the other.

[kells76]

Just poking my head in quickly from Family Law...

What one member there did, after needing to leave quickly with her son (and important documents etc), was once they were in a safe, UNDISCLOSED location, she had her son call his dad and talk. That way Dad could hear Son's voice and that Son was OK, without Mom "having to" tell Dad "Hey, we're at 123 Main Street, and fine" -- which would have defeated the whole purpose of taking off.

I'd invite you to consider that as an option -- depending on your kids' relationship to their dad.

And, the advice about turning OFF tracking/location on electronic devices sounds safe.

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi Ray-

How are things now?  Has your H settled down a bit? 

If possible, try to “share” responsibility with your H about not being tuned into weather reports about the coming storm.  Tell him neither of you controls the weather, stuff happens and sometimes we’ve just got to let it slide.  Thankfully, in a storm like that... no one in the family was hurt.  Let’s sign our daughter’s cast!

Can you get support from your dad to PLEASE not make any big deal about the boat capsizing?  That it was old, your hands were full with his granddaughter’s injury (play that UP!) and there just wasn’t an opportunity to pull the old boat out before that huge storm hit.  No one knew the extent of the storm, blah blah blah...

This will sound odd, I know.  But I kind of consider (I’m only half joking) how some people I know very angrily “personalize” weather to determine if they have personality disorders.  I quietly chuckle and think, “yea, right... it’s ONLY raining to ruin YOUR plans, YOUR life...”

I have one friend who cannot live ANYWHERE, due to weather.  We could laugh hysterically if it weren’t so sad and twisted.

Sorry, Ray.  Gotta laugh when you can.

Please let us know how you are.

Warmly,
Gems

[Ray2017]

Thanks, Kells76- that sounds like a great plan. My h and daughter are very close, and as she’s a bit older (10) she has a better, age appropriate, knowledge of what’s going on than our 4 year old.

I will start by saying things are much better. H has been completely back to normal since yesterday afternoon. Went from his 6th threat (veiled, but specific enough) of suicide in 24 hours, in an extra manipulative way, to being downright cheery in the course of 3 hours. Most of this was due, I’m sure, from he and a friend getting the boat upright and out of the water. I had (and have still, a bit) of whiplash, but I’m not complaining. None of this back to normal stuff will deter me from completing my safety plan now, rest assured.

As for my dad- he’s honestly great at dealing with my H (my H doesn’t always see it that way, but then again, he has trouble with literally every person he’s ever met). The tension mainly comes from my H not liking my dad to share his suggestions on the boat they co-own. My dad doesn’t love not being included in decisions, but he only mentions them to me, not my H, and only every so often. My mom read Stop Walking on Eggshells and has given my dad a rundown. My dad also runs everything by me before he talks to my H. I don’t often love being in the middle (my dad vents to me about my H sometimes, and I feel embarrassed for some reason), but I appreciate how hard he tries. And Cat- as for the weather, my H took this Nor’Easter we had as the universe literally targeting him. I asked him if he really meant it, and he did (at the time anyway).  It was the universe destroying the only thing in life he enjoyed (boating). I did patiently remind him that no one was hurt, and although they are expensive, boats are replaceable. I used it as part of SET and I don’t think it really helped, but the reminder was out there.

Thanks for sticking with me.

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi Ray - it’s Gems, not Cat.

I’m really glad your parents are getting on board with you around this diagnosis and supporting you, even though you’re feeling “in the middle”.  That’s their fear.  Maybe in time they’ll go direct.  And their fear is based on not wanting to hurt anything positive you’ve established with your H.  Not wanting to cause unintended damage or unintended consequences for you.  You get that, right?

And I know you’ve got that feeling of emotional whiplash.  What kind of actual support for YOU do you have?  You need and deserve that, my friend.  I know even here, our focus is on what you can do for your H.  I’m sorry.

So glad they up-righted the boat.  Things are usually not as bad as they first appear.  In a quiet moment, perhaps you sit with your H, and tell him that “let’s ALL see if we can stop “catastrophising” things... let things settle out, shake out, assess what’s real damage from what we project as damage.  See what he thinks?  Ask him how that may feel...

Sounds like a pretty good day!  Yum.  Maybe Bake cookies with the kids. Your H can sit in the kitchen with you.

Somehow remind him that happiness even “smells” good.  I like to bring these things to all the senses.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[AskingWhy]

Please take the MOSAIC inventory on your safety.

It's free and anonymous. 

https://www.mosaicmethod.com/

[Ray2017]

Gems - I'm so sorry.  I knew I was replying to you, yet my fingers still typed Cat.  My parents are supportive, for what I've told them (I haven't told them everything because I don't want them to worry).  I have my T, who I have told everything, along with a cousin who I can tell everything to, but she's going through a rough patch herself, so I'm trying to limit my stuff as I don't want to overwhelm her (she deals with fairly severe depression).  I know I should have a larger support network.  Working on it during all of the chaos.  

AskingWhy - I have taken the Mosaic assessment, after advice on a post I made on the Bettering board.  It's 6 out of 10.  I let my T know the score as well.