Hard time disengaging

[Blueish]

I could use support in getting closure after a breakup with someone whom my therapist thinks has BPD. I think so too, now (although I had not figured this out before I left; I just knew I felt like Alice in Wonderland all the time, and felt crazy, and that I was putting aside crucial parts of what I needed, to preserve the relationship. But even now, I doubt myself about this). So many of the BPD characteristics, when I read them, made things come together for me: the idealization, sudden onset of rage, projecting emotions onto me... and so much more. Ohhhh... it all makes much more sense now.
Intellectually, I am very clear that the relationship was going down the rabbit hole, and that despite my best efforts and using all of tools at my disposal, that the dynamics were not good for me, and that they weren't going to change.
However, I can't seem to catch up emotionally. I feel stuck. Like my ex has a hold of me emotionally. I do know about myself that it's hard to let go - but it has now been a year and a half. I have blocked her on social media and don't interact. I'm now facing having to quit going to some activities with friends that I enjoy because if I am really honest with myself, I just can't handle going to these events. It's emotionally too hard, and it's not working for me to self-soothe, and go anyway. It's not worth the misery to me. She has inserted herself into one of these events (that I invited her into initially) and made herself an seeminly-indispensible volunteer, so that if I want to attend the event and have space from her, I cannot attend at all. She will not compromise and split her time there with me. "They love me and they want me to be there." This breaks my heart. This is at a time when I particularly need community.
I've never done an online message board but thought I'd give this a shot.
I'd love to learn from someone else's experience on this.

[mart555]

I'd say give this book a read: https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Caretaking-Borderline-Narcissist-Drama/dp/1442238321 so you can stop feeling guilty about all of this

[worriedStepmom]

I'm really glad that you are seeing a therapist.  That is a good thing!   Has your therapist or a doctor evaluated you for clinical depression?   

It's okay to leave behind gatherings that your ex has taken over.  It's okay to find new friends or groups to join.

[turtleengine501]

I completely understand how you’re feeling. I am attempting to disengage from my spouse who I’ve been with for 26 years. It’s definitely a slow and painful process. When talking to a friend I said it’s like having an octopus grab you by the tentacle and as soon as you get one tentacle off of you another one grabs you. Have you been able to talk to your friends about not including her in these events? Or is she just finding out about them and showing up?

[kells76]

Hi Blueish, welcome to the boards! Glad you reached out for some support.

It's so difficult when a disordered person in your life seems to not recognize "your" spaces. My husband's ex (& her then-new husband) went to our church... and the kids' school events... and coached the soccer games... and went to our mutual friends' birthdays... it seemed incessant and really ratcheted up my anxiety. That was 6-ish years ago when they were just EVERYWHERE.

They've since stopped going to our church, and we don't go to many big birthday gatherings much any more. They're still at the soccer games though, and drop offs/pickups.

With church it was especially hard, because there's always a Q&A session at the end. Stepdad has some NPD-type behaviors and listening to him talk was excruciating.

I decided to focus on picking out the people at church at that moment who knew the truth about the whole situation, and I would visualize "drawing strength from them". I would not have expected it to help, but it did - just felt less alone and more like "Bill (or whoever) is going through this too and knows that Dave's image of sophistication and wisdom is false and deceitful".

Soccer was tough; I still really have to "grip the arms of the chair" when I'm there. Most of the other people there are "on Mom's team" as it were, so I do a lot of laser like focus on the kids, tunnel vision on the field, counting down until the game is over, thinking of nice things to do in the future, etc.

So much of dealing with these situations is being real with ourselves about what we're up for and making conscious choices about what works for us. It wouldn't be "wrong" to say to yourself "I'm not up for going if Ex is there. I just don't have it in me today." It also wouldn't be wrong to say "I plan to go. It is going to be extremely difficult to be there. I assume Ex will be there. Ex will be laying the charm on thick. I plan to avoid Ex and have a laser like focus on Friend/Activity. I will check in with myself after 30 minutes and see what I want to do."

Turtleengine501 asked some good questions about working with your friends to manage these events. Could be worth going through the "list of possibilities" for making it work -- maybe there is a way that Ex wouldn't go in the future.

You're definitely not alone in dealing with this type of situation, and I know the feelings that come with seeing the ex/connected people in "your" space. Hope some of these thoughts are helpful, and do keep posting when you're up for it!

kells76