My Daughter's BPD Is Doing My Head In

[Juki]

My daughter has always been a challenging child and is now 25 years old with a recent diagnosis of BPD.  Over the past 12 months her behaviour has gone from bad to worse and unfortunately I am her primary target.  This is probably because I have the closest relationship with her and have had the poorest boundaries.  I have fundamentally been a people pleasing enabler in my attempt to appease the beast.  I am now trying to enforce the simplest of simple boundaries and she reacts like she is possessed by a demon.  She becomes extremely offensive, abusive, disrespectful and then blocks all communications with me for days on end.  I have been able to remain calm and not buy into her toxic tirades, but I think this irks her even more so she takes it down another level and strikes at my deep vulnerabilities and emotionally triggers me.  I never let her know how profoundly she has hurt me and suffer in silence.  This is when my defences start breaking down and I allow her and the whole situation to upset me.  Then we have the whole cyclical thing where she is nice and I rise to being the best mum and then without warning I fly back to being the meanest, most unavailable, emotionally absent, selfish, toxic and crap mother that ever existed.  I'm lucky if we can sustain 2 consecutive days of good behaviour and relations and it has become quite exhausting. 

I know I shouldn't let her get under my skin but there is only so much I can take.  Our relationship as it stands is not sustainable and if I don't get relief from this intense, emotionally draining and harmful situation I will crack well before she does.  Any tips on how to stay sane whilst simultaneously being available and supportive?

Thanks 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Isanni]

It's sounds like you are frustrated - you give,  you're patient, you're trying to do the right thing by applying boundaries (it's the right thing for your daughter too), yet you feel things get worse. It's a tuff ride to be on. If there is a bpd therapist nearby, it might be good for you to make an appointment to learn how best to respond to your daughter. It's hard to let go and accept her state and that it may not change for some time.
As hard as it is, if you can fill your life up with good things - friends, hobbies, work, exercise - and keep boundaries in place while still being available when your daughter is decent, you might feel better long term. One of the hardest things to come to grips with is that your daughter is not going to change back or perhaps change a lot - over night or with time. So it might be best, given her age, to create a bubble around yourself. Your boundaries will allow her full contact with that bubble when she is respectful. She can feel like a mess inside and respectful to you at the same time.

OUr daughter rebelled when we first set boundaries - like a teenager would. Once she knew we were not changing, she adjusted. (and surrounds herself with those with few boundaries - of course, those relationships end in time.) We also don't have discussions about this when she is emotional. We wait until she is calm and explain we understand she feels a certain way (frustrated, anxious, mad, sad) and know too she can still be polite and use other methods to deal vs. target her frustrations at us. WE also have learned to not show any strong emotions as a reaction to her - regardless of what she does, says, we remain calm and rational. (easier to say than do!)

My heart goes out to you. Respecting  yourself via boundaries is the best thing a mom can do to show her kid how to take care of herself...

[Juki]

Thanks Isanni for your reply.  I really appreciate it.  Enforcing boundaries is difficult because of the reactions but I know that they are essential for my well-being and also for hers.   Every day presents with new challenges and I am already dreading celebrating xmas together because of the fear that she is going to ruin it for everyone because of some twisted and contorted perception or unreasonable demand.  I am hoping to get her into DBT groups in 2020 and hope that these will help.  I think I just needed to hear that there is nothing wrong with enforcing boundaries because she makes me feel so guilty for simply wanting healthy, respectful communications and behaviour, which is something I should have done years ago.  Unfortunately, her father (we're now separated) suffers from NPD and always undermined me and allowed his princess (the Golden Child) to get away with everything which is why such simple boundaries are being met with such extreme reactions - she's never heard of the word "No" or been called-out for behaving poorly.  Thanks again 

[Etsy]

Hi Juki, have you heard of NEA BPD ? I completed an online teleconference course, back at the beginning of the year - 12 weeks 1 ½ / 2 hours a week about 12 if us including 2 facilitators. It's based in America  but there were about 5 of us from the uk (they are now established in the uk, think in may or June of this year so better if in uk if time difference a problem) it was fantastic  very educational, with a wealth of electronic information to back up your learning. I highly recommended it. It did alter the dynamics in the house and there was less arguments (although I could do with a refresher - as things have been tough lately. Here is the link https://www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.org/family-connections/ the course was developed by highly skilled and qualified professionals ..  I think it is affiliated with McLean hospital and based at Harvard university. The facilitators on my course were superb, and had loved ones with BPD, so really do understand.

[Juki]

Hi Etsy

Thanks for that info and the link.  The time difference could be a big problem though as I am in Australia but I will check it out.  We're in an OK phase at the moment, but that's the problem - in a blink of an eyelid things can change dramatically.  Thanks again and have a wonderful Xmas & New Year x

[Juki]

Hi Again Etsy - I just checked out the link and after a few clicks I was redirected to NEABPD Australia  .   I'm going to register for the family connections program and take it from there.  Nothing to lose and what's even more impressive is that its free!  Thanks again xx

[Etsy]

Just read your first post, and was about to reply, that I was aware of Australia having their own branch of NEA BPD. Would love to know how you get on? I had about a 2 or 3 month wait, but maybe because I did it via America. Yes course is free, with a suggested donation. The standard and education, was better than anything offered under our health care system here.

Initially I Wasnt sure about the teleconference thing and how i would react, but actually seeing peoples face/and the interactivity was very connecting, ( in our isolated world of being a carer of a loved one with BPD) as you would speak, you could see from peoples faces that they got you,  they understood you, they felt it (which as know not all professionals do !  best wishes ... for dare i say it a relaxed christmas. Takecare Etsy

[wendydarling]

Hi Juki 

Welcome. 

It's like training for a marathon, building resilience, muscle for the both of you.   Small steps...

I am now trying to enforce the simplest of simple boundaries and she reacts like she is possessed by a demon.

Does this sound familiar Juki, let us know what you think? BEHAVIOURS: Extinction Bursts The resources here follow the Family connections programme, you are in good hands  The resources and wisdom of the wonderful people here has been life changing for me and many others, we have to do the work though and be gentle, kind, loving and patient with ourselves. Have you read? Loving Someone with BPD by Shari Manning It's rated no 1 with members here, our first step to diving in.

What I struggled with the most when my DD was diagnosed at 26 was understanding where she fit in the broad spectrum/co-morbid. She acts inward rather than the classic acting outward that is generally written, talked about.

Along with others I look forward to getting to know you, learning more of your situation and how we can help, support you as you learn, to a better place, where your DD is not doing your head in and you can see the path forwards.

How did your DD receive the dx? Is she working, independent, or living at home?

WDx

[Juki]

Hi WDx,

Thank you so much for replying to my post.  Yes! "Extinction Bursts" perfectly describes what is going on. Thanks for that link.  I haven't read Loving Someone with BPD but if this is the book that is rated no 1 by members, then I'm definitely going to read it.  I have only read Stop Walking on Eggshells and thought it was OK but not great.

My daughter is 25 and also does not fit the classic picture - she perfectly fits all the DSM criteria, but does not engage in overt impulsive/self-harming behaviours (such as cutting) and has never been suicidal or threatened it.  However, she does drink quite a bit of alcohol (binge type social drinking to the excess), takes recreational drugs (socially), has developed a habit inhaling nitrous oxide (aka nangs or hippie crack) and eats a lot.  She has doubled in size from a tiny Size 8-10 to a 14-16 in just over 12 months.

My daughter received the diagnosis from her clinical psychologist after approx. 5 years receiving therapy to overcome a host of problems. She also has severe anxiety.  I had already come to the BPD diagnosis within my own mind and felt relieved that she had come to the same conclusion and got it out there.  My daughter also agrees with the diagnosis.

In answer to your questions:

My daughter is very high functioning and covert with her BPD behaviour.  She's a classic home devil & street angel. She used to live with me but around 16 months ago she developed an extreme sound hypersensitivity where she could not tolerate the normal every day sounds of living in the same house as other humans.  This resulted in several panic attacks where she would literally flee the house.  Her hypersensitivity was extreme - the sound of a glass clinking on a glass table, or a muffled, barely audible voice from another bedroom was enough for her to call an Uber at midnight and leave in her pyjamas!  She decided to leave permanently and now resides in a small cabin (granny flat) just 6 houses away from me. Despite living away, she is still not independent as such and depends enormously on me and her grandmother to help her with almost everything.  She is embedded in helplessness and loves to be babied. She has studied at Uni and obtained a Bachelor of Liberal Arts & Science majoring in Socio-Legal Studies and then obtained a post-graduate Diploma in Psychology.  She is now completing a Certificate III in Business Admin (medical).  Her professional goals sits somewhere in the field of psychology fused with spirituality.  She has barely worked, only ever enough to scrap through, and never worked a regular 9-5 job.

Thank you so much for your reply.
Juki

[Etsy]

Hi Wendydarling,

What I struggled with the most when my DD was diagnosed at 26 was understanding where she fit in the broad spectrum/co-morbid. She acts inward rather than the classic acting outward that is generally written, talked about.

I totally relate to that! To the outside world there is a lot of bravdo!  It's in the safety of their own home that the full impact appears, where they can let go of the bravado... and you are on the receiving end of the chaos, encounteres, wide and varied ruminations etc of the day!  ... is that what's known as high functioning?
It doesn't help when you have well meaning people saying if she can control herself outside of the home ...
Of course when it is really bad there is no getting away from the social isolation and major depressive episodes.
Etsy

[wendydarling]

Hi Jiku

Thanks for sharing more about your DD, it's great she agrees with the diagnosis. I dearly hope your DD engages. Has she been offered, recommended treatment yet? You mention DBT...

I'm pleased the 'extinction burst' link resonated with you. I'm also concerned you feel if things don't change, you'll crack before she does. We can only change what's is in our control and you've taken that first step, support from others is super critical. In addition to us, have you considered gaining support of a therapist experienced in BPD? And yes you can be available and supportive to your DD as you make changes, as you fill your tool box with the skills and learning you pick up here and build your confidence.

Gosh that is extreme sound hypersensitivity you describe, she found a solution by moving out and while not independent yet, it sounds like a good starting point me.

Jiku I set out a simple plan for my situation.
1) Treatment DD has attended 20 months of weekly DBT (14 months, then a year break followed by 5 months skills refresher). Since July is with a very competent and experienced therapist. DD no longer drinks (recently told me alcohol is danger for her  ), no longer smokes, no longer suicidal, no longer self harms. Panic attacks and her anxiety is under control (no longer ruminates, catastrophises...) and her most recent achievement is she is no longer bulimic, from size 6 to 12 in the last 12 months, she's 5ft8. This is progress over the last four years. Juki I questioned whether we'd get here, we have! So yes, our children can make changes too.
2) Get back to work - yet to be achieved, though this is a goal, she's working with the T on her life goals. DD gave up work Dec2016 to focus on getting well, she's in remission, when no 2 and 3 are achieved she's in recovery.
3) Live independently for the first time once she's back in work, or long term disability benefits (I now doubt the latter, though when she was very ill it was important to me to radically accept this maybe an outcome).

Etsy you ask about high functioning, see here explained under spectrum of disorder, both low and high functioning.
I think it's borderline personality disorder Does that help?

How did Christmas go Juki?

WDx

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Juki]

Hi Wendydarling,

Christmas went quite well as my daughter behaved herself, although I found her mood to be rather odd - quiet, pensive, and a little down - quite the opposite to the usual highly strung, hypersensitive, anxious person she usually is.  I'm so grateful that we managed civility and that there were no emotional outbursts.

We are hoping to get my daughter into weekly DBT Groups commencing in February and running for 20 weeks, together with weekly individual therapy with her psychologist.  My daughter is actually looking forward to the groups because she said it will feel good to know that she is not the only one dealing with emotional dysregulation and may make some friends.  She is desperate to make friends and find just 1 person who she can connect with.  I'm thankful that she acknowledges her BPD and is very enthusiastic and willing to get help.  It was also recommended that her and I attend another psychologist to help us with our relationship issues and I'm all for that, however, my daughter seems less enthusiastic about that.  I think this is because she may not be fully transparent about her behaviour and is concerned that I will reveal all

At the moment she is studying for a Certificate III in Business Admin (medical) and hopes to get a job in the medical field as a secretary/receptionist, etc.  This is not her ultimate career goal but she wants a steady and secure job while she continues further studies in the future - she's still keen on something in the psychology field but not sure exactly what.  Over this past year she was working for a large global company related to artificial intelligence as a casual transcriptionist on contract for companies such as Apple and FB.  The problem with this was that the work was inconsistent and that inconsistency led to massive anxiety for her as there would be weeks with hardly any $$.

2019 has certainly been a tough year, full of emotional upheaval and drama, drama, drama. My daughter formally received her BPD diagnosis and I'm really pleased that she has accepted this and is willing to do something about it.  As much as her behaviour affects those around her, the person who suffered the most is her as she was perpetually in crisis and was exhausted.  I'm also grateful that BPD was put on the table as I knew and suspected that this is what was going on but wasn't game enough to say anything.  Once you know what beast your dealing with you can better manage it and get the most appropriate therapy.  I'm hopeful and confident 2020 will see improvements.

In terms of myself I see a great clinical psychologist who is helping me not only with my daughter, but with my son and other complex life issues.  I know this sounds incredulous but I have an exH who has full blown NPD, a 20 yo son with Avoidant Personality Disorder and Major Depressive Disorder, and my daughter with BPD.  Life is hard and complex as I feel forever engulfed in dysfunctional dynamics which can become overwhelming and are exhausting. I get through most days just focusing on that day, putting one foot in front of the other and getting support as required.

Hope you had a lovely Christmas
Juki xx

[Etsy]

Thanks Wendydarling,
Re your words ...Etsy you ask about high functioning, see here explained under spectrum of disorder, both low and high functioning.
I think it's borderline personality disorder Does that help?
I will read this now.

[Etsy]

Hello again Wendydarling,
And thanks again, I have just read the article, which was helpful. It has helped me to process my thoughts, and have some clarity on focus, especially towards "re balancing" I have been so emotionally drained for so long that I feel lost. I think it is time to put my oxygen mask on and practise some regular self care.