BPD and aging - you ok? what do you see?

[pursuingJoy]

   So many of us on this site anticipate the weight of having an aging BPD parent but don't know where to begin. Many are already navigating the aging process of BPD parents. Some parts of the aging process are normal, other parts seem exacerbated by BPD. I thought I'd start a thread going for those of us that are struggling with some of the same questions. How are you? What are you dealing with? Here are a few questions to get the ball rolling:

1. How old is your parent, and what is your living situation (cohabitation? independent living? care facility?)

2. Do you feel like you are the only resource or family member your BPD parent has?

3. How have they changed as they've aged?

4. What parts of aging do you think are normal, and what seems exacerbated by BPD?

5. I've heard other children of aging BPD parents express feelings of guilt, anxiety, pressure, resentment, and exhaustion. Some have expressed joy, as their loved one's BPD seemed to abate during aging. What emotions do you feel most, and when?

6. For those of you that are navigating or have navigating aging, what resources are/were most valuable to you? If you could go back and give your former self advice, what would you say?

7. Can you share stories of moments when you successfully set and maintained healthy boundaries with aging BPD parents?

8. What is the biggest challenge in the BPD aging process?

I look forward to hearing from you!

pj

[Methuen]

  I'll go first as I'm in this situation right now, and really struggling.

1. How old is your parent, and what is your living situation (cohabitation? independent living? care facility?)

 
Mom is 83 and lives independently.  Well "independently" with our (mine and husband's help).  We do her banking, mow her lawns, fix all her technology problems, take her to appointments, bring her meals, and a million other things including take her on trips (in the past).  Without us supporting her, she couldn't cope.

2. Do you feel like you are the only resource or family member your BPD parent has?

We are certainly her primary support.  I am an only child.  She has always been a very social person (it feeds her need to be the center of attention, and gives her much needed validation).  Her friends also help her, although I suspect that she burns them out too.  But she always manages to find new ones somehow.

3. How have they changed as they've aged?

Mom was most "high functioning" in her "middle" age - after she was no longer responsible for child rearing, and before the problems of old age set in.  After my dad passed away, my life changed and became much more difficult.

4. What parts of aging do you think are normal, and what seems exacerbated by BPD?

I have just had all my concepts of normal blown away as I have fully come to grasp and understand what my mom's BPD means to both her and me this past summer.  I'm panicking a little at this question.  I don't know what normal is anymore.  At the moment, her eating disorder which has led to extreme frailty comes to mind.  In a month, it will probably be something else.

5. I've heard other children of aging BPD parents express feelings of guilt, anxiety, pressure, resentment, and exhaustion. Some have expressed joy, as their loved one's BPD seemed to abate during aging. What emotions do you feel most, and when?

At the moment, it is overwhelming resentment.  Also anger, frustration, grief, and a sense of hopelessness with her.  The pressure never goes away.

6. For those of you that are navigating or have navigating aging, what resources are/were most valuable to you? If you could go back and give your former self advice, what would you say?

Currently in the process of setting up community supports after I asked for a referral from her family doctor.  Eg. Meals on Wheels, meal assist (which she is resisting/refusing), bathing, Lifeline (push a button if she falls), and also a RIE assessment.  

7. Can you share stories of moments when you successfully set and maintained healthy boundaries with aging BPD parents?

She already has a gardener and a housekeeper (she wanted me to do those things but I never went down that road). I said no to those things.  She really likes those people, and one of them is now her closest friend.  

8. What is the biggest challenge in the BPD aging process?

Having a life separate from her.  It's suffocating.  It can suck the joy and happiness right out of life.  The last time I felt lasting joy was when I left the country for a month with husband and 2 adult children.  That tells me something.

[pursuingJoy]

Methuen, you are carrying such a heavy load. I'm so sorry. Thanks for sharing. It's important to share feelings, resources and stories. You've already helped me!

After my dad passed away, my life changed and became much more difficult.

This is our reality too. My husband is an only child and when his dad passed away, he and his mom assume that he should now play all roles to his mom - husband, friend, son, caretaker, you name it. He feels tremendous pressure to meet her needs and major anxiety when he is unable to do something for her. The only child thing is so hard! In my husband's case, I wonder how much of it needs to be a reality, and how much is simply taken on because it's expected.
 

I'm panicking a little at this question.  I don't know what normal is anymore.

Maybe the question is unfair. So many things can happen during the aging process, and not many of us are experts, yet we're asked to navigate it. That's part of what's so hard about it.

 At the moment, her eating disorder which has led to extreme frailty comes to mind.  In a month, it will probably be something else.

I can't imagine. This sounds so tough to deal with.
 

Having a life separate from her.  It's suffocating.  It can suck the joy and happiness right out of life.  The last time I felt lasting joy was when I left the country for a month with husband and 2 adult children.  That tells me something.

This hurts my heart! I'm so sorry. I am cheering for you, that you work to find peace and joy in pockets of life that are separate from her.  You can, and you should!

The proximity to your mom is what worries me about my situation with my MIL. She and my husband desperately want her to move in with us. I keep trying to explain why that is such a bad idea. She is currently 2 hrs away and it's the only way I keep my sanity.

What is an RIE assessment?

[TelHill]

1. How old is your parent, and what is your living situation (cohabitation? independent living? care facility?)

My bpd mom is 91. Living pt from 50% to 75% of time with her & 90 year old non-pd (enabler) dad.

2. Do you feel like you are the only resource or family member your BPD parent has?

Yes. I have an older brother who is divorced with an adult, independent daughter. His home is closer than mine is. He declines to be involved.

3. How have they changed as they've aged?

Still the same behavior: reserved, social phobic, controls through manipulation & rage, dissociates a lot. There’s a bit of age-related memory loss. She has an added stress of fear of dying. She is crying almost every day. She is organizing and reorganizing her clothing. She offers me her clothes to keep. She is wearing her engagement ring with wedding band. She’d only wear the set for a special occasion. She is preparing herself in case she passes away suddenly, I think.

4. What parts of aging do you think are normal, and what seems exacerbated by BPD?

All the aging is normal. I’ve seen normal people be afraid of death.

5. I've heard other children of aging BPD parents express feelings of guilt, anxiety, pressure, resentment, and exhaustion. Some have expressed joy, as their loved one's BPD seemed to abate during aging. What emotions do you feel most, and when?

Exhaustion and being frozen/scared to disobey her when she rages when I leave the house. Resentment due to lack of help & being raged at. Guilt for thinking of leaving because they are old and have no company.

6. For those of you that are navigating or have navigating aging, what resources are/were most valuable to you? If you could go back and give your former self advice, what would you say?

I‘ve researched and been disappointed. They don’t qualify for aid, refuse to socialize, and want care in home. For me, am searching for a therapist and have sought in vain for caretaker support groups. NAMI seems like a good resource but they don’t meet often. I really should go.

https://www.nami.org/find-support/family-members-and-caregivers

7. Can you share stories of moments when you successfully set and maintained healthy boundaries with aging BPD parents?

Analyzing the timing of when I leave the home. She is difficult if not impossible to be near at breakfast. She takes psychotropic drugs with breakfast  which blunt the edge of anxiety/depression a bit. They take 2 hours to kick in I leave before she gets out of bed (have become inured to her screaming insults) & return 2 hours later. Do not respond to straight out insults or goading that my brother, cousins are great and I’m dirt. Avoid eye contact with her. Avoid JADE-ing.

I knew I made a dent one day. We were saying a televized Catholic rosary. They show pictures of Jesus and Mary to make it visually appealing. She ridiculed Jesus for having an open mouth. Has never happened ever! She ridicules me & dad for this due to our deviated septums. She hit on Jesus. Both dad & I ignored her insults that day.

8. What is the biggest challenge in the BPD aging process?

From the poem If by Rudyard Kipling— “If you can keep your head when all about you  
    Are losing theirs and blaming it on you.”  

Thanks to Sister Agnes for making my 5th grade class memorize this and recite it in front of our classmates.  I thought it was a waste of time then. It was a gift in hindsight. High five to Sister Agnes!

[Methuen]

If by Rudyard Kipling— “If you can keep your head when all about you 
    Are losing theirs and blaming it on you.”

Reading this quote was my moment of the day (after mom raging at me again today).  The quote was perfect timing.

[pursuingJoy]

1. How old is your parent, and what is your living situation (cohabitation? independent living? care facility?)

My MIL is 72, lives independently two hours away. She is desperate to move in with us, but becomes paralyzed by fear out every time her house goes on the market. Once she realized that I was not going to serve her and take care of her the way she wanted me to, she started grooming my husband to drop his life and take care of her.

2. Do you feel like you are the only resource or family member your BPD parent has?

I don't, husband does. She is very resourceful and finds people to take care of every  need. My husband feels he is her only hope.

5. I've heard other children of aging BPD parents express feelings of guilt, anxiety, pressure, resentment, and exhaustion. Some have expressed joy, as their loved one's BPD seemed to abate during aging. What emotions do you feel most, and when?

Dread. I fear that her aging needs will take priority over our marriage and I'll lose my husband.

7. Can you share stories of moments when you successfully set and maintained healthy boundaries with aging BPD parents?

This is currently a major battleground for us.

[pursuingJoy]

I've been following your story on other threads, TelHill. So sorry you're having to deal with all of this.

He declines to be involved.

This would be so frustrating, especially considering his role as the Golden Child. I'm not going to pretend I understand why you're expected to do it all. Do your parents give him a pass?

She has an added stress of fear of dying. She is crying almost every day. She is organizing and reorganizing her clothing. She offers me her clothes to keep. She is wearing her engagement ring with wedding band. She’d only wear the set for a special occasion. She is preparing herself in case she passes away suddenly, I think.

I'm so curious about pwBPD's fear of/fascination with death. My MIL talks about and prepares for her own death constantly, frequently changing her will, depending on who's pissed her off, dropping comments like "You can do that when I'm dead," telling us what to do with her furniture when she's dead, and constant musing about it. I was close to my aging grandmother and my own mom is just a little younger than MIL and neither ever exhibited the same obsession with/anxiety about death.

Exhaustion and being frozen/scared to disobey her when she rages when I leave the house. Resentment due to lack of help & being raged at. Guilt for thinking of leaving because they are old and have no company.

I'd love to hear you unpack this a little more, give maybe examples? If you're simply exhausted and can't right now, please know that if I could, I'd send courage, strength and peace in a care package. You're carrying so much, TelHill.

I‘ve researched and been disappointed. They don’t qualify for aid, refuse to socialize, and want care in home. For me, am searching for a therapist and have sought in vain for caretaker support groups. NAMI seems like a good resource but they don’t meet often. I really should go.

https://www.nami.org/find-support/family-members-and-caregivers

The lack of resources has got to be so frustrating. I'm not looking forward to these days.

Go! I know a number of people that volunteer with NAMI and they're a great organization. I'd love to know more about your experience if you do go.

Analyzing the timing of when I leave the home. She is difficult if not impossible to be near at breakfast. She takes psychotropic drugs with breakfast  which blunt the edge of anxiety/depression a bit. They take 2 hours to kick in I leave before she gets out of bed (have become inured to her screaming insults) & return 2 hours later. Do not respond to straight out insults or goading that my brother, cousins are great and I’m dirt. Avoid eye contact with her. Avoid JADE-ing.

What is your motivation to endure this?

High five to Sister Agnes!

Yes Sister Agnes, sharing wisdom beyond her years. We all high five you.

Take care.
pj

[Methuen]

PJ: a RIE assessment is an assessment tool used to ascertain needs for ling term care for example assisted living or complex care.  It takes about 1 - 11/2 hrs to complete.

[pursuingJoy]

Thanks Methuen, I had no idea!