Crisis at work-targeted by ubpd coworker

[Depression = 72% of members]

I have been away from here for some time.i grew up with a borderline mother but totally blamed her moments of irrational cruelty to me on stress from my alcoholic father. It took me decades to find the important puzzle piece.

I found this site at a time when a coworker unleashed irrational fury at me and threatened to hit me. We worked the late shift alone. To my horror no one chose to believe me. He was popular and manipulative. The company feared litigation so best to minimize it and take his side. I couldn’t afford to lose the job so I went through a period of being Hester Prinn, shunned by my coworkers for ratting him out. They made us continue to work together ignoring my protests. He finally left the firm. Soon after I was told he had been fired from his last job for physically threatening a female coworker!

Over a week ago I squeezed a Halloween decoration toy I had brought in. A smiley pumpkin. I squeaked it twice in front of the work room. A male coworker I have gotten along well with who I could see has “issues” over last year flew into a rage and leapt out of his chair ranting I had broken his concentration.  It was the annihilating anger of a bpd — his words vicious and humiliating, his body threatening. Half an hour before he had been playfully running about the room distributing Halloween candy. Interrupting his coworkers.

I apologized before he stomped off. Met up with him minutes later at the elevator and tried to talk to him again.  He was still enraged.  He came back to the workroom and clocked out early.

My supervisor had fortunately witnessed it and comforted me I of course had done both wrong.

I was stunned. The next time I worked with him he was sullen and wouldn’t talk to me or look at me. We were mostly alone. His brother works at the firm and when I asked him about his brother he said his brother was extremely angry at my breaking his concentration and intended to never speak to me again.

This has been traumatizing. Another work night with his icy hostility.

I finally reported him to HR since my supervisor  at first sympathetic suggested I just move on and ignore him.  Meanwhile his anger at me continues to grow. Hard to ignore a volcano still boiling up.

He was reported for raging at a woman when he started. She reported him then. He should not be flirting with job danger acting so irrationally toward me, but he is out of control and irrational and seems to have serious anger management control.

I don’t want to be his punching bag. I don’t want to walk on eggshells especially alone with this guy. I have a meeting on Monday with manager and HR rep. The HR rep pulled manager into loop immediately which made me less trusting of her since I really need to process emotionsally this surreal and hurtful event.

Last time supervisors and HR Reps did everything they could to torture me for trying to defend mysel.

I can detach from this guy during work now. But I don’t want my trauma swept under the rug. Or him ambushing the next coworker trying to be nice to him or joking around and getting his wrath.

I often enjoyed his company. I also like his brother who will be unhappy I officially reported his brother and I suspect our relationship will suffer though he admitted his brother is a roller coaster of mood swings.

I am sick with flu this week, trouble sleeping over this sudden targeting by someone who seems paranoid and off the charts irrational.

Thanks for listening.

[bethanny]

I have been away from here for some time.i grew up with a borderline mother but totally blamed her moments of irrational cruelty to me on stress from my alcoholic father. It took me decades to find the important puzzle piece.

I found this site at a time when a coworker unleashed irrational fury at me and threatened to hit me. We worked the late shift alone. To my horror no one chose to believe me. He was popular and manipulative. The company feared litigation so best to minimize it and take his side. I couldn’t afford to lose the job so I went through a period of being Hester Prinn, shunned by my coworkers for ratting him out. They made us continue to work together ignoring my protests. He finally left the firm. Soon after I was told he had been fired from his last job for physically threatening a female coworker!

Over a week ago I squeezed a Halloween decoration toy I had brought in. A smiley pumpkin. I squeaked it twice in front of the work room. A male coworker I have gotten along well with who I could see has “issues” over last year flew into a rage and leapt out of his chair ranting I had broken his concentration.  It was the annihilating anger of a bpd — his words vicious and humiliating, his body threatening. Half an hour before he had been playfully running about the room distributing Halloween candy. Interrupting his coworkers.

I apologized before he stomped off. Met up with him minutes later at the elevator and tried to talk to him again.  He was still enraged.  He came back to the workroom and clocked out early.

My supervisor had fortunately witnessed it and comforted me I of course had done both wrong.

I was stunned. The next time I worked with him he was sullen and wouldn’t talk to me or look at me. We were mostly alone. His brother works at the firm and when I asked him about his brother he said his brother was extremely angry at my breaking his concentration and intended to never speak to me again.

This has been traumatizing. Another work night with his icy hostility.

I finally reported him to HR since my supervisor  at first sympathetic suggested I just move on and ignore him.  Meanwhile his anger at me continues to grow. Hard to ignore a volcano still boiling up.

He was reported for raging at a woman when he started. She reported him then. He should not be flirting with job danger acting so irrationally toward me, but he is out of control and irrational and seems to have serious anger management control.

I don’t want to be his punching bag. I don’t want to walk on eggshells especially alone with this guy. I have a meeting on Monday with manager and HR rep. The HR rep pulled manager into loop immediately which made me less trusting of her since I really need to process emotionsally this surreal and hurtful event.

Last time supervisors and HR Reps did everything they could to torture me for trying to defend mysel.

I can detach from this guy during work now. But I don’t want my trauma swept under the rug. Or him ambushing the next coworker trying to be nice to him or joking around and getting his wrath.

I often enjoyed his company. I also like his brother who will be unhappy I officially reported his brother and I suspect our relationship will suffer though he admitted his brother is a roller coaster of mood swings.

I am sick with flu this week, trouble sleeping over this sudden targeting by someone who seems paranoid and off the charts irrational.

Thanks for listening.

[bethanny]

My supervisor had fortunately witnessed it and comforted me I of course had done nothing wrong.

[Kwamina]

Hi bethanny

Long time no see

Your co-worker does seem to have certain issues, him snapping like that is a major red flag and also him holding on to his anger and according to his brother saying that he intends to never speak to you again.

Especially considering your past experiences with a male co-worker raging at you and threatening physical violence, I can see how this new experience would be particularly unsettling and triggering.

I am glad you are taking actions though to protect and assert yourself

Since you are also sick with flu, I think it's even more important that you take time to rest and practice self-care this weekend.

Are your supervisor and manager the same person?

The Board Parrot

[bethanny]

Kwamina,

How lovely to see you again. Thanks for responding.

 I am stunned that this unstable person with whom I have had a pleasant relationship with has so violently ambushed me for being lighthearted at work in squeezing a toy for two seconds. I am not someone who distracts others as a habit. The fact that his rage has continued and intensified over two weeks is very disturbing. The silliness of the triggering incident he seems to be trying to make serious with the intensity and sustaining of his rage.

His brother is making lots of excuses for him though got him the job but has very difficult relationship with him. The brother will probably resent me but so be it. I don’t want to enable bullies.

The manager is not my supervisor and not always supportive of me. Does not like to have to deal with any problems. Directly hired this guy and indulges him. My supervisor will be away but she is very maternal with this needy guy as I have been. And she was advising me to keep my head down and ignore him.  He wigged out in front of her. 

I think she will be frustrated I reported him officially.

His anger management issues are gobsmacking and to be asked to ignore it by someone I respect and count on is so disappointing. Though being the target of paranoid rage is quite different from witnessing it from a safe distance.

I have been watching YouTubes by Ross Rosenberg of handling pathological narcissists and it has expanded my awareness. I didn’t realize suddenly out of the blue I would be irrationally attacked by someone I considered a friendly acquaintance.

I feel sorry for this individual. He has told me a lot of outside work stories of people “victimizing” him. I had a suspicion he was bpd and paranoid. I thought I wasn’t in danger of the line of fire. Naive.

I just need to put this on the official record when I meet with HR. I have no optimism after what I went through before but I don’t regret standing up for myself. This website was a godsend in its understanding and support. I am sorry I detached for so long. I recently went back to Alanon which will help.

I hope I can avoid being alone with him in the office. We work nights. The other woman demanded these boundaries and they assented.

This guy has obvious PTSD.

I have been devoting myself to recover from complex PTSD I suspect. I was a prisoner the first 30 years of my life to serving 2 parents who were Jekylls and Hydes.

 I feel like this guy’s inner child slugged my inner child in the nose. And seems to be wanting to keep it up, his metaphorical fist still poised to keep it up. So much malice pouring out of him at me.

The degree of horror of my situation seems to escape a few people I counted on as friends at work. As long as he is relating okay to them it is not a problem.

I can coexist with him if he ignores me and I him at work. Now that I know the depth of his issues. I will miss the serenity I had been enjoying at the workplace. I am grateful for the awareness I now have to appreciate the ferocious degree of irrationality in an unrecovered bpd and the problems they can create.

Nice to come to a place that gets it! Thanks again.

Trying to sleep off my cold and flu. Xxxx

Thanks again!

[Kwamina]

Hiya

Glad to hear you are trying to get some rest and sleep

We are indeed here to support and advise you as you deal with this new situation, and also with everything that you've been through before. I remember your story quite well and how difficult things were for you with your parents

You mention complex PTSD, on this site we often quote from the work of Pete Walker. As you deal with your triggers, it might be helpful to go through Pete Walker's steps for managing emotional flashbacks:

Managing Emotional Flashbacks

Dealing with trauma: PTSD, C-PTSD and emotional flashbacks

Going through and applying these steps can help you calm down and manage your triggers and possible emotional flashbacks.

How are you feeling today? Take care

The Board Parrot

[zachira]

It is heartbreaking what you are going through now with being abused again by another coworker. In both instances, you have been courageous in reporting the abuse by the coworker which has helped you and others. I too grew up a very dysfunctional family and am a work in progress in not attracting abusive people into my life. I often have felt like I am a target for those who abuse others, and I have learned by standing up to the abuse that I become less of a magnet for abusive people, and start to attract better people into my life. I am wondering if you are questioning how this happened to you again. Can you tell us more about what kind of people you would like to work with and have as close friends? You sound like someone that many people admire for your courage because people often just take the abuse and say nothing, especially when it occurs in the workplace.

[bethanny]

Kwamina, thanks again for your response. I will follow up on your links soon.

This website community and people like you deserve so much credit from me for fortifying my spirit during that last crazymaking corporate experience. That was quite a number of years ago.

The perpetrator in that case remained, staff consensus decided I lied which broke my heart but I weathered, I was forced to work alone with him despite my protests to management, i had a manager with a personality disorder herself then, I couldn’t afford to quit or risk changing jobs, and after the perpetrator ultimately left the job long after voluntarily I happened to find out the job prior to the one with me he had been fired from for physically threatening a female coworker.

I am taking another sick day off from work.  I don’t want my cold to enter my chest. Bed rest will help.

I spent years in 12 step rooms and I believed “tough love”
can restore relationships to healthier groundings. I am sure that is true for healthy enough people but when you have personality disordered people and the “narcissistic injuries” are so profound tough love has little power. It took me decades of pain trying to communicate with an unrecovered borderline mother to give up hope of ever achieving true understanding from her.

It is a relief to miss this particular work night since my present perpetrator’s brother is on the shift and very driven to induce me to not defend myself formally against his very disturbed brother. He is an enabler of his brother and my current victimization is of course not a priority though he seems a decent guy and expressed sympathy when I last saw him. He knows even more than myself the pathology of his brother.

Re this disturbed brother as they say in the 12 step rooms, “I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it, I can’t cure it.”

I will stay close to this website since it is a comforting and wise base to come to after the slings and arrows of disturbed people and their too many enablers.

Thanks again.

Best,
bethanny
Xxx

[bethanny]

Zachira,

I do think people from dysfunctional families can be vulnerable to abuse by predatory and/or highly disturbed people. We may inspire them to try to exploit our excessive tolerance and capacity for good will.

But I think we also need to be careful of victim blaming.

In my case with my first perpetrator we worked together alone on a late night work shift. Random staffing. I was the only convenient human and perhaps female punching bag for his extreme mood swings. I was an open and friendly person which may have made him feel more secure in acting out with me but i assuredly wasn’t his first victim or last. He was an actor who once bragged that his having multiple personalities contributed to his acting talent. He was charming and charismatic. Easy to like before his Mr Hyde showed up.

The present perpetrator is another randomly staffed late night worker. We have a small shift again and some nights only three of us. Rarely only the two of us.

This guy has acted out not as surreally as in my case perhaps, but  to most half the staff members so far. Most  give him a wide berth, which I will certainly do now that I have seen the degree of pathological irrational behavior he is capable of.

What stupefies me is the continuing enabling of him by those who actually witnessed his meltdown with me. Though, when you are not the one being “tased” by the irrational annihilating anger it does make a difference.

Tomorrow I meet with management whose priorities will be the convenience of the firm and their own roles in the firm. These are new people since the last ethical freakshow I had to endure.

I don’t expect justice from them but I pray things will not be as surreally cruel and unjust as last time. I just want my incident on the record until the next time this guy is majorly set off. Another coworker reported him almost a year ago. There were no witnesses but they let her change seating and then her hours to work away from him. My coworker has more clout politically since is personal friends with someone in top management.

HR and my management are different now than my last incident with that other guy. My immediate supervisor even witnessed the incident. I was comforted by her sympathy for me. Now I am alarmed for her pity and sympathy for my perpetrator. She wants to dust his gobsmacking still ongoing freaking-out under the rug.

One more roller coaster.

I have delved a lot into psychology over the decades due to my own severe struggles growing up in a dysfunctional family. This lady decade I have delved into politics more closely. Anti-war issues, etc. and the nightmare of our (many) pathological world leaders. The global dysfunctional family. Capitalism always putting profits over people.

My consciousness raising with the psychology helps my political analyses. I am discovering now there have been leaps forward in psycholical analyses  since my decades of compulsive self help reading. I want to devote more time to catching up and am excited about it.

I remember this website advanced me so far as did reading Understanding the Borderline Mother by Christina Lawson. A huge puzzle part of understanding my history was disclosed. I had blamed the stress of my dad’s drinking on my mother’s Jekyl Hyde personality. She was a disordered borderline personality and tyrannizing my life manipulating me with my pity for her misery and my denied for too long terror of her!

Thanks for caring and responding, Zachira!

Best,
bethanny
Xxx

[bethanny]

Folks,

I am still recovering from the flu so I had to miss my appointment with HR rep and manager today.  In my email to the HR rep I wrote that the word I never used but applies to my situation is “paranoia” that this coworker is exhibiting about me  and that makes this situation so saddening and rather frightening.

I go back to work Friday afternoon and have the postponed meeting then. Just after, I may be in a position to have to work alone with the coworker so enraged with me, since my supervisor will be away.

One day at a time.

Best,
Bethanny

[Kwamina]

Hi again bethanny

Thanks for the update. Hope you'll recover from the flu soon and yes, please stay close to this place, we got your back

Indeed, one day at a time, one step at a time...….one parrot at a time

The Board Parrot

[bethanny]

Kwamina,

Appreciate your support and spirit.

Thanks to this wonderful site and its collective and individual courage and wisdom.

I want to explore more the analyses provided here.

Also, getting back to my renewed 12 step meetings as soon as I lose the flu.

I also discovered interesting therapist on YouTube Ross Rosenberg who specializes in dealing with people suffering from pathological narcissism disorders. Recommend.

To be continued. 

Bless you guys!

Best,
Bethanny
Xxxxx

[zachira]

I hope you are soon feeling better and the meeting at work goes well.

[bethanny]

Zachira and Kwamina,

Thank you for your kind thoughts.

Something rather wondrous happened and yet I have not been back to work yet or had the HR meeting.

I woke up yesterday morning and all my anxiety had lifted about this troubling situation.  I felt grounded in myself and prepared to take on whatever will happen with inner peace.

I had gone through this tunnel of anxiety. I had reached out to others like on here. Wed I got out of my sick bed and went to a 12 step meeting and after got a deep tissue massage. I spoke on phone after to a supportive sibling.

I go in to work in a couple hours to face first the HR meeting and possibly working alone part of the night with the troubling coworker. I can’t predict what will happen at all. But somehow I got some amazing grace to deal with it all. The serenity prayer spirit is so with me now.

I will be back to report what happens.

I thank you and this precious website for helping me with all this!

Best,
Bethanny
❤️

[Kwamina]

Hi bethanny

I hope your HR meeting and subsequent shift went well and that you were able to maintain that grounded feeling