Its been a year and I feel trapped..she has me in her sights (I think)

[OLR1986]

Hi everyone

I left this forum about a year ago, my ex left me for the second time and it wasn't until shortly after our break that I visited a therapist. He assumed that my ex wife has BPD, this forum helped a lot then and I always appreciated the advice and feedback here..I am sure like most others the hurt, separation, them coming back and then leaving can be hurtful and cause some trauma.

To keep things as short as possible, my ex-wife just recently "separated" from her fiancé, she met him 4 months after her and I separated. They got together about a year ago, six months in she convinced him to spend his savings and buy a house. Without being married they both signed their names to that mortgage, he has a son and her and I share 50/50 custody for our daughter who is 5 years old.

From my perspective, everything looked amazing for her..A new house, new cars, a family. During this time and still currently I have been in therapy for severe depression, our divorce is and was very hard on me. I still love her and have been known to save her when I shouldn't..if she's in trouble she comes to me, most of the time.. I thought I was wrong and what my therapist has been trying to warn me about was wrong..That she would repeat the pattern and reverse the splitting mentality and seek me out again.

She has taken me out of this dark perspective and now I am good, which means she's texting me things that are innocent and playful but way out of her normal behavior. She has asked for my help and support during her separation, has asked me if she can join my family plan for iTunes (not a big deal) and recently asked me what my credit score was like..She wants me to co-sign on an apartment which is honestly out of her price range, but she's set on her choices. I wish I was better at saying no to her, thankfully I haven't told her a yes on that yet..

A big red flag for me is that she has requested to work in my department at the company we both work in. I manage that department..She is an asset and would be great but I don't see why she would want to now out of nowhere deiced to be managed by me..who she HATED for a whole year.

I feel like I am going crazy but this is a large plot that keeps building each day. If things don't work with her situation that she has built this web, where I become the White Knight who saved her  and fall for her again. I am weak to her, she is my kryptonite..I need to set boundaries now just be sure..I just don't want to set her off and for me to come out as the crazy one for bringing anything like this up..I know better then that

As much as I am and will most likely will continue to be in love with her..I need to cut her off and prevent myself from returning to this relationship..Its so difficult, I want to save her and make sure my daughter and her are okay..I wish I could help her see what she is doing and our family will come back together again..I know better then that and its out of the picture now. I just don't know how to tell her how I cant be the support she leans on, that my support comes with all these unsettled emotions and all the emotions of our divorce and marriage resurface.

I am afraid she will overreact and label me bad again..What will that mean for my daughter? I have built this successful co-parenting relationship by following the advice here and from other sources..Am I going to put that all at risk but denying her and not letting her take advantage of my feelings towards her? Worst off, if I mention how I feel she behaves as if she didn't hear anything I said..I feel like I have to sit her down and tell her how I feel and how I cant help her with these personal decisions that she's made, even if it impacts my life at work as a father and in general.

[Blast000]

It might be difficult to tell her that you want to back off the relationship. How would she take that if you said that?

Maybe the solution is in reacting less to her and never proactively helping her. Meaning, if she asks to use your Itunes then try and respond but don't go out of your way to help her. I would wonder about how much help she really needs versus how she might be manipulating you, especially since you love her so much.

Does she understand the damage that she has done from her behavior?

You are kind of trapped because of your daughter. But I don't think this means that you need to be victimized. Your daughter would fair better if she had a father who was healthy, who made healthy choices, and who had healthy boundaries compared to a father who cosigned loans, etc.

The part you said about her wanting to work in the same department is also difficult. How might it be bad if she worked in the same department? Or wouldn't it?

[OLR1986]

Thank you

I am not sure how she would react, I imagine she would feel alone and abandoned, I am more aware of how she operates and more sympathetic to it..I don't want her to feel that way, I just don't want to be taken advantage of. This can be dangerous..will she fall into another relationship quickly because of it..Will the new guy be kind or respectful to my daughter, it's a monstrous fear of mine.

I think you are right, she doesn't need me but rather defaults to manipulation..I don't think it's malice on her part it's just her behavior.

I don't think she knows, and I hope to at least try to help her understand how I feel and what has been the result of all of this. I don't plan to hurt her, criticize her or place blame on her. I just want her to know my reality, I do fear this will trigger her..

Yes you are right, and this is part of my goal. I want to create healthy boundaries in a respectful and peaceful manner

I don't know, will have to see. I don't know of she really wants this position or if this is a way for her to connect with me more. This is not really a concern but more of looking at the bigger picture, is it genuine interest or of another intent. Something I don't think I can ask her..

[Cat Familiar]

It appears that she has little to no awareness of how her past behavior has impacted you. And now that her rebound relationship has crashed and burned, she's asking you to rescue her.

If you weren't "in love" with her, it would be much easier to set healthy boundaries. As you want to protect your daughter, this all gets very complicated.

So she's wanting financial assistance to acquire an apartment that's beyond her means. She expects that it's a reasonable request to ask for a job in your department.

You fear if you don't give in to her requests that she will label you "bad" once again.

What advice would you give a friend if he found himself in this position?

[OLR1986]

I honestly cant thank you enough for talking me through this, its beyond appreciated and helpful.

Thats a great question.. I would honestly have to say that its time to sit down and have a honest conversation. I would recommend to address the outcome of these moments of salvation I offer and true reason why they impact me in ways she may not be able to understand. I wouldn't recommend to "cut her off" because of our daughter and work life but more so find more tactful ways to help her find her own solutions? Most importantly, I think it's time that I retire as the white knight and deal with some of the short term consequences.

[Longterm]

 

  It appears that she has little to no awareness of how her past behavior has impacted you. And now that her rebound relationship has crashed and burned, she's asking you to rescue her. 

Yes, it also appears that she has little interest in hearing how you feel.

You are the safety net, she knows you are not yet healed and can be easily manipulated. She has sought you out and painted you white because that way she can get her immediate needs met.

I think it may be important to stop and think things through here. I'm guessing your marriage did not end in a peaceful, non dramatic way? The painting black is brutal to say the least and it appears you have achieved coparenting which is great. You are afraid to rock the boat because of your child? The problem with this is that if you keep on giving, she will continue taking. You could at any moment be the "devil" again so I would be very careful of what you may sign.

LT.