What to expect when exBPD/NPD finds out about dating and parenting?

[Newyoungfather]

Hello All,
Just wanted to restart one of my older threads.  I believe I finally found someone that I can settle down with.  I've been single for more than 4 years figuring out myself and my own issues.  My future partner has experience with children, a lot of experience.  Sooner or later my son is going to start talking about the person I am with to his mom.  Should I break the news to her right after I pick up my son for our 1 week on, 1 week off.  That way she can rage with my son being with me.  How did other's ex bpd/npd deal with the fact that about us non borderlines moving on.  Anything I should watch out for, I was going to keep it on the DL but my L said if someone is living with me than I should inform the ex.

[worriedStepmom]

Congratulations!

I believe H told his ex about me via text or email (not in person!).   I found out my xH was getting married from our 5-year-old. (When h and I were engaged, I sent xH an email with his name and occupation.  I thought that was more considerate.)  I would definitely send the notice when your S is with you.

H's uBPDex was fine until we got engaged.  Then she flipped out; she saw me as competition for her daughter.

[livednlearned]

I would spend as much time thinking about telling your ex as preparing your new partner what to expect.

What does she know about your ex?

[Newyoungfather]

I actually haven't told her too much about my ex in great detail.  I knew this day was going to come I just didn't prepare for it.

[kells76]

Should I break the news to her right after I pick up my son for our 1 week on, 1 week off.  That way she can rage with my son being with me.

Good idea for protecting your son from Mom's roller coaster.

Probably email is best, versus in person or phone call.

How did other's ex bpd/npd deal with the fact that about us non borderlines moving on.

I suspect that DH's xW still doesn't see me as a "real adult". It may be safer for her feelings that way, as then I'm not "really" competition. I am younger than the other adults, so xW and Stepdad tend to take the "you're just SOO nice and cute, but not one of the real parents like us" perspective. Pretty patronizing.

Also, Mom & Stepdad tried to manage when we would get married. They were already married. They said it would be too hard for the kids. Wish the "eyeroll" emoji were still here.

H's uBPDex was fine until we got engaged.  Then she flipped out; she saw me as competition for her daughter.

So there's a theme of "not accepting reality" in both our stories. With DH's xW, she can't let herself see or accept that I also do mom-type things with the kids, so she minimizes me. With WSM's DH's xW, she does see the competition, and rages/flips/micromanages (I remember the "you can't make lunch for my daughter" story...)

There's also a theme of "the rules for ME are different than the rules for YOU". I think DH and I spent a lot of time back then (before we really knew what was going on) trying to "logic" with Mom and Stepdad about that, but it didn't go anywhere.

my L said if someone is living with me than I should inform the ex.

Are you guys living together at this point? Or is this still in the future?

[kells76]

You might also ponder giving your GF's email address only, versus phone number, at this point. So, you're offering some contact, but not the main line.

[worriedStepmom]

You might also ponder giving your GF's email address only, versus phone number, at this point. So, you're offering some contact, but not the main line.

I wouldn't even do this.  I don't have the phone number or email address for my kids' stepmom. 

uBPDmom has my phone number, but I've blocked her due to harassment.  Given what newyoungfather's ex has already pulled, I don't know if I'd want to subject his girlfriend to the potential deluge.

[dt9000]

There are lots of good suggestions posted above. Especially the points about preparing your new partner for the fallout.

My BPDex called my new partner after we had gone on a few dates and raged at her, calling her every name in the book and telling her how horrible of a person I was. My BPDex had already done enough stalking behavior to find my new partner's phone number, address, facebook, age, family members, employer and criminal background (she had/has none).

Fortunately my new partner saw this for what it was, but in hindsight it would have been better if I had provided a heads-up.

[kells76]

My BPDex had already done enough stalking behavior to find my new partner's phone number, address, facebook, age, family members, employer and criminal background (she had/has none).

I quit all social media after starting to date DH. xW is not an emotionally safe person to have my personal life info.

[GaGrl]

This discussion took me back to 2005 when I reconnected with my teen love/first love. At the time, his Ex had been living separately for 14 years and with her latest boyfriend for 4-5 years, had a completely separate life from DH, but was still legally married to him and came and went in his house as she pleased (their daughter and grandaughter lived with him).

The second time I visited his city, I walked in his house and saw photos set around the living room taken in the early years of their marriage. Talk about object constancy. He was amused -- she had engaged in constant and blatant infidelities since about 18 months into the marriage, their son is probably not his bio son, she has been arrested at least three times for DV related to boyfriends, and had told him multiple times that if he wanted a divorce, he could file. So for her to assert "ownership" was ludicrous. However, a number of their friends had expressed concern about how she was going to react to DH having a love life.

When he did file, what should have been a 60 day process took nearly 9 months -- it took telling her that a trial would be necessary for her to settle. Years later, there was one time when she nearly separated from her long-term boyfriend that she broached the possibility of a reconciliation and re-marriage. DH talked her off the ledge and gently coached her through her boyfriend issue (while clearly explaining that what she proposed would never happen). It was then that I realized she had never accepted that our marriage is real.

In the Ex's culture and language, there is the First Wife (which is the legal marriage and was often arranged) and one or more second/additional "marriages" that are recognized in the community but are not legally registered at the amphur (government office) -- concubine relationships, really, with their own households and children. My stepdaughter said her mother said once, "Well, I am the first wife."  Am, not was. That told us she sees DH's marriage to me in her cultural terms, and why she retained a sense of ownership with him that has taken years to alleviate.

[kells76]

It was then that I realized she had never accepted that our marriage is real.

Interesting how this comes up -- refusal to deal with reality.

NYF, though, circling back to YOU...

Your son's mom is going to do whatever she's going to do. As you've read here, there can be a range of responses, though some common themes.

What I see as important is -- how will you and your partner work on YOUR relationship? What tools will you use to grow your health? What professional support do you plan to have?

It's really difficult being in a stepmom position. Whatever hurricane your xW wants to start, I'd recommend redirecting any "response" energy to "building health for me and my partner".

[livednlearned]

Doesn't your ex have a BF already?

[GaGrl]

Kells, that is a terrific point and the strongest approach to take.

If you see that the Ex is not accepting the new relationship as "real," or seeing that she continues to consider herself in a priority position, do everything possible to nourish the new partner.

[mart555]

Have her read the book "Say goodbye to Crazy"...  I began reading it last night and it's bang on so far.

[ForeverDad]

A general rule you can follow is that once divorced there is no adult relationship from the marriage, that is, the old relationship is OVER and you are both free to have your own relationships.  As far as parenting concerns, other other parent cannot impose unreasonable demands for details.  You can provide name, etc but careful about aspects that aren't any of the other parent's business.  For child safety you can assure that your new relationship is not with a felon, criminal or on some offender list ordered by a court.

Some parents will demand exchanges are only with the other parent, not relatives or the new spouse/partner.  That's going too far since there can easily be an exchange where one isn't available.

Some have found to going to the other's home is received like invading the other's turf, so there should also be stated neutral locations where at-arms-length exchanges can be kept simple.

[Newyoungfather]

Thanks everyone for your responses.
I think I may buy a "burner" phone and call it my partners.  ExBPD is very spiteful and has fabricated numerous false allegations of abuse in the past.  I want to ask my L if I truly need to give ex the full name of someone living with me.  We aren't living together yet but I want a clear plan for when we do.
ExBPD has been very good at showing off her new husband to me and rubbing it in my face, I am taking the opposite route, I don't want to give any more information than I have to in regards to my personal life.