Advice Needed; how can I get past the guilt?

[starbxsam]

First I'd like to say how grateful I am for this community. I wish I would have found BPD Family a long time ago. For once I don't feel alone! Thank you to everyone for all of your kind words, advice, and support.

A little back story:
My BPD mother lives about a mile from me. She suffered a stroke 7 years ago that took away her peripheral vision, so she is unable to drive and only gets out when I take her places. Her sister doesn't help, and she has pushed all other friends and family members away. So it leaves just me to take her places and deal with her highs and lows. I am the only child and my parents divorced when I was around 12. She expects me to spend every Christmas and Thanksgiving with her. There's only been a couple Thanksgivings I haven't spent with her, and that's when she loved out of state before her stroke.

Fast forward to this year. My husband and I are going through a really tough time in our marriage. I had told my mother a couple weeks ago that I wanted to skip Thanksgiving this year. She was in agreement. Just today I told mentioned to her that Thanksgiving is on Thursday and that I'll need to take her tomorrow to the grocery store so she can get stuff for the rest of the week. She immediately started questioning me and making me feel guilty for not wanting to spend it with her. She told me she doesn't want to spend it with my husband but only me. My husband doesn't want to spend it with her. I feel like I'm stuck in the middle. I would love to spend it with just my husband. I think it will be good for us to be alone and to work on us. BUT I don't want to deal with the guilt and have to hear her say that I abandoned her or hear how lonely she is. I always give in to make her happy but it still never ends well (we always butt heads and argue). Last Thanksgiving was a complete disaster. My question is, how can I get past the guilt? I don't want to enable her, but I also don't want her to be alone. It's so very hard. I also don't want my husband to be upset with me and add to the issues we already have. Any advice would be so appreciated!

[Harri]

Hi!

I am glad you posted.  There are many of us here with a difficult family member ho struggle with feelings of guilt like you describe here.

Guilt can be worked through but it takes time (unfortunately).  Understanding the source of the guilt helped me to process it and develop some self talk when I felt it so I could deal with it head on.  For a lot of us here, guilt stems from a lifetime of conditioning where we were not just expected to care take our parents on an emotional level but also conditioned to do so.  Over time we learn to put them first as a way to stay safe and even survive. 

Breaking guilt down takes work and it is hard but so worth it.  For me it meant recognizing that making the choice to continue with my same behaviors resulted in the same old results (with everyone upset including me) and it was never going to change unless I changed.  A lot of time changing things means being swilling to sit with some pretty strong feelings of our own (anxiety, fear, etc).

Does any of this sound on target for you?

[pursuingJoy]

starbxsam, so glad you're back! I've been wondering how your Thanksgiving plans panned out.

First I'd like to say how grateful I am for this community. I wish I would have found BPD Family a long time ago. For once I don't feel alone! Thank you to everyone for all of your kind words, advice, and support.

I'm thankful for this community as well, and I want you to know you're appreciated, too. When you tell your story, it helps me understand the dynamics in my own marriage a little better. You've also commented on other threads encouraging people going through similar circumstances. We need each other. 

I would love to spend it with just my husband. I think it will be good for us to be alone and to work on us. BUT I don't want to deal with the guilt and have to hear her say that I abandoned her or hear how lonely she is. I always give in to make her happy but it still never ends well (we always butt heads and argue). Last Thanksgiving was a complete disaster. My question is, how can I get past the guilt? I don't want to enable her, but I also don't want her to be alone. It's so very hard. I also don't want my husband to be upset with me and add to the issues we already have. Any advice would be so appreciated!

Harri is right - thinking through this guilt stuff is really important work, and doing the same things will have the same results.

When I'm facing a challenging emotion, it helps to ask myself questions like, what are the other emotions that are tied to or behind the guilt? Is there a part of me that believes I'm a bad person for abandoning her, or an uncaring person that doesn't care how lonely she is?

On a practical level, where did you leave Thursday plans with your mom? Was anything decided? Have you and your husband made plans for Thanksgiving?

Please let us know how we can best help you, be it moral support, encouragement, or thinking through things to say to your mom, or optional ways to manage your situation. You're not alone.   

pj

[ProudDad12]

Harri and PJ make good points. In addition, these are two things that help me:

1) I remind myself that my sense of guilt has been warped and distorted by a lifetime of control by FOG. I'm basically wired for guilt to be my "shock collar" to jump into action to appease my mom, and it may be the same for you. Guilt is a layered thing for me because as a Christian I believe guilt is a built-in moral compass, so the idea of it being warped causes a lot of confusion and frustration. But at the end of the day, knowing my sense of guilt has been "compromised" gives me leverage to help dismiss it in the context of my mom.

2) I try to compare interactions and experiences with my mom to those of my wife and her mom. My MIL is a mentally/emotionally mature person. And based on what I've seen, if my wife and I chose to spend Thanksgiving alone without them, I have no doubt that she would be disappointed, and yet would be careful to not make that our problem. She respects us as adults and knows the world does not revolve around her. Contrasting that with my own mom shows me that my mom's behavior can be emotionally immature and not something I have to get wound up over.

That's not to say dealing with the guilt is easy. It takes a lot of emotional and mental energy and can be exhausting. But like any other muscle, it gets easier the more you flex it.

One more thing... when you are trying to enjoy Thanksgiving with your husband, and the self defeating thoughts sneak in, give yourself permission to dismiss them! You are not doing anything wrong to want to spend the holiday with your husband, and under your circumstances it sounds like a great idea!

Good luck!

[Methuen]

  starbxsam

I have been on this board for about 4 months now.  I still feel like a newbie.

so she is unable to drive and only gets out when I take her places

I have discovered with my ubpd mom, that the more I do for her, the less she appreciates it and the worse she behaves (including more rages).  I don't know why, but I am beginning to suspect it is because the more we do for them and cater to them, the more power we give our parent in the relationship, and they just feel safer to exert it.  I have realized, that for me, one answer to mom's manipulation and abusive behavior is to not ask "how high" every time she says "jump".

Does your community have something like a handi-dart service (for rides)?  I live in a small town of about 12,000 people, and we have a handi-dart.  My mom is still driving, so I haven't had to go down that road yet, but when I do, Handi-Dart is going to be one of her options.  If she chooses not to use it, that will be her choice.  Then she will have to figure something else out.  But I cannot be her personal chaffeur, at her beck and call (I would never do it well enough anyway).

She expects me to spend every Christmas and Thanksgiving with her

...and as long as you keep doing it, she will keep expecting it - maybe with less and less appreciation...

I had told my mother a couple weeks ago that I wanted to skip Thanksgiving this year. She was in agreement. Just today I told mentioned to her that Thanksgiving is on Thursday and that I'll need to take her tomorrow to the grocery store so she can get stuff for the rest of the week. She immediately started questioning me and making me feel guilty for not wanting to spend it with her.

...in hindsight, maybe mentioning this change of schedule the first time you discussed Thanksgiving with her and she was in "agreement"...could have been an opportune "window" to discuss which day you would take her grocery shopping instead...?  Hindsight is hindsight.  Happens to me all the time.   In your case, it could be that she needs more time to process and accept a change in plan (since she reacted and pushed back when you told her, even though she had agreed about Thanksgiving earlier).  A validating statement could be helpful.  I have done some learning about how to use a validating statement, and have committed one to memory for the next time I need it.  Borderlines react EMOTIONALLY, and a validating statement recognizes their FEELING.  So in your situation, maybe saying something like "Mom I can see you are upset and disappointed about the change in Thanksgiving plans this year.  Can you tell me more about that?"  It validates her and gives her a chance to explain.  And then you can follow it up and say something like "I can understand why you feel that way.  As we discussed a few weeks ago, we agreed that I would be spending this Thanksgiving with my husband.  Can we do a nice dinner together next week"?  So you are offering an olive branch and a solution.  If she continues to make a fuss, maybe say you could both use some time to think about this, and leave the situation (before it escalates).

She told me she doesn't want to spend it with my husband but only me.

This is clearly unreasonable.  It is her problem to solve.  You have a right to make your own decisions and live your life.  Don't enable her to make you feel like her problems are yours to solve.  Maybe discuss this with a counsellor?  This is exactly what I have spent 4 months working on.  I hope I am making progress.  I can see it in others easier than I can see it in myself. 

My husband doesn't want to spend it with her.

I don't blame him, under the circumstances.  He wants some peaceful time with you. 

I would love to spend it with just my husband.

Then do it!  That special time together is healthy for a marriage.  It would also be setting a healthy boundary with your mom.  But when we set boundaries, we must do it compassionately and lovingly, and not in a moment of angry reaction.  

I always give in to make her happy but it still never ends well (we always butt heads and argue)

OK so maybe it's time to try a different approach?  This is exactly where I was with my mom 4 months ago.  It hasn't been easy.  The approach I am working on with my mom, is validating statements, validating questions, and more empathy, as well as setting boundaries.  Boundaries include not doing things for her that she can do herself.  For me boundaries also means doing things to look after myself, such as going on vacation (I am also an only child living in the same town as my 83 yr old mom with complex health problems).

My question is, how can I get past the guilt?

I can only answer for what I am doing, which is to actually move forward with some of the suggestions on this board and "just do it", but with compassion and care.  After my mom's last rage, I went very LC for about 2 weeks, and then when I finally reached out to her, it was for a coffee in a public place.  I couldn't believe the difference.  In that two weeks, she had clearly done some self-soothing, because she was like a normal person when we coffeed in her favourite coffee house.  She also acted as if nothing had ever happened (she never apologizes).  I am feeling better, and apparently she is too.  As we learn these strategies to use with our BP's, and actually start to apply them to our daily lives, maybe we can learn to let go of the guilt a little?  I don't know...but that is my hope.

 

  

[starbxsam]

Thank you everyone for your kind and encouraging responses. I really appreciate everyone's questions, advice, and loving support.

Does your community have something like a handi-dart service (for rides)?  I live in a small town of about 12,000 people, and we have a handi-dart.  My mom is still driving, so I haven't had to go down that road yet, but when I do, Handi-Dart is going to be one of her options.  If she chooses not to use it, that will be her choice.  Then she will have to figure something else out.  But I cannot be her personal chaffeur, at her beck and call (I would never do it well enough anyway).
...and as long as you keep doing it, she will keep expecting it - maybe with less and less appreciation...

Methuen,
I've offered to order her a lyft or Uber to get her places but she refuses. I believe we have what's called Lift for seniors offered through our local transit, but it only goes certain places per day, and she wants to go where she wants, when she wants. There's definitely options out there but she only wants me to take her and refuses other help. She doesn't know how to get help (no internet), so she relies 100% on me which is mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausting. At least once a week I pick her up before work, drop her off at the shopping center by my work, the run and pick her up and take her home on my lunch break 4 hours later. This takes my whole lunch break and it's stressful. I also agree with you that the more we do, the more they expect. This is where I need to start setting more boundaries. My husband and I start seeing a therapist tomorrow and I will inquire with him about individual sessions for me regarding my mom.

My mom doesn't know how to express her emotions in a calm way without raging or completely shutting down. I can't say I've ever had a conversation with her where she was able to vocalize how she feels calmly and reasonably. I've tried being empathetic and compassionate, and every time the conversation always turns and she says something in a snarky tone like "You know what, I really don't care anymore." or "We just don't get along anymore do we?" At that point I know there's no point in the conversation and I just stop responding.

1) I remind myself that my sense of guilt has been warped and distorted by a lifetime of control by FOG. I'm basically wired for guilt to be my "shock collar" to jump into action to appease my mom, and it may be the same for you.

ProudDad12, your shock collar analogy is spot on. It's basically a demand when she wants something and I respond by jumping at that demand to appease her, which is also enabling her behavior and teaching her she can do that to me. I've done it to myself, but sometimes it's just easier to appease her than to deal with the backlash (name calling, yelling, and demeaning messages).

For a lot of us here, guilt stems from a lifetime of conditioning where we were not just expected to care take our parents on an emotional level but also conditioned to do so.  Over time we learn to put them first as a way to stay safe and even survive. 

Harri, what you said is completely on target.  My mom has told me that it's my responsibility to take care of her now that we're both older. Her words were "I took care of you when you were a kid, now it's your turn to take care of me." This is engrained in my head. My mom always expected my to take care of her on an emotional level. She leaned on me through so many emotional events in her life from as early as I can remember as a child. I obviously never understood it at the time being so young, but as I got older, it all came to light. My emotional needs were never met by her, but I was expected to be there emotionally for her.

 

starbxsam, so glad you're back! I've been wondering how your Thanksgiving plans panned out. On a practical level, where did you leave Thursday plans with your mom? Was anything decided? Have you and your husband made plans for Thanksgiving? 

pursuingjoy, I honestly don't really know where my Thanksgiving plans stand. Ultimately, I want it alone with my husband, and that's what I think the current plan is. I know that if I give in to my mom, my husband will be upset. I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place... but perhaps I'm putting myself in that position. My mom isn't talking to me after she hung up on me yesterday when I told her my plans. When I talk to her next, I plan on telling her that I'd like to spend it with her on a different day. Thank you for asking. I'll keep you updated.

[GaGrl]

One of the things I've learned with my mom (who is not BPD but has some traits) is that she takes longer to self-soothe than I do. Sometimes that means she withdraws and gives the silent treatment. My husband and I just keep on keeping on and let her get through it.

One thing that saves us is that my mom has a caregiver who comes in three days a week for four hours each day. She helps with all sorts of mom's needs -- shopping, social activities at their church, writing checks for bills, helping with baking, medical appointments. She is a trusted family friend and is a CNA. If there is any way you can help your mom qualify for caregiving hours, you can step back to some degree.

I like the boundary of not doing anything for her that she can do herself. Mom has said she wants to be independent with what is possible, so her caregiver and I respect that -- it's like a household value. Maybe you can couch things to your mom in terms of respecting what she can do. (My mom is legally bound due to macular degeneration, so I have to continually assess what she can and can't do.)

[Methuen]

I've offered to order her a lyft or Uber to get her places but she refuses. I believe we have what's called Lift for seniors offered through our local transit, but it only goes certain places per day, and she wants to go where she wants, when she wants. There's definitely options out there but she only wants me to take her and refuses other help.

Uge.  If this were me, and I shared this with my counsellor, I'm pretty sure my counsellor would respond with "it's your mom's choice to refuse Uber or Lyft for seniors. It's also her choice to come up with her own alternative.  It is not her choice for you to be the only person who can drive her.  That is your choice.  What do you choose?"    

Then she would start talking to me about how to set a boundary. Perhaps your mom has to learn to be a little more flexible?  And I suspect the only way she will learn that is for you to set boundaries.  Sure she will push back initially.  Guaranteed.  But I think that if we maintain our boundaries, our parents are more likely to learn to adjust than if we don't set boundaries.  Our parents are masters at making us feel solely responsible for them in every way.  But no matter how much we do, it is never enough (in quantity), and never good enough (in quality)...at least that's the way it is with my mom.   And then they take over our life, and we feel totally trapped.  I was in a state of total frustration and despair last summer.  I wanted to move away as I could see no other solution.  But, I started setting boundaries with my mom more recently.  That brought on a huge extinction burst and another rage.  That's when I went very low contact, because I needed time to heal myself and let my amygdula calm down (or so said my counsellor).  My next interaction with her I set up to be in a public place, and miracle of miracles, it went OK...after a boundary, and some low contact...I learned something from that!

I think the purpose of us setting a boundary with compassion and empathy, is to try to avoid escalation, but also assure the BP that we still love them (because they are afraid of being abandoned).  They will not respond to us in kind, with compassion or empathy, and I do not expect that of my mom (if she responded with compassion and empathy I don't think she would have BP).

I also like GaGrl's suggestion of bringing in home support or a caregiver.  I did that with my mom after a recent fall.  There were a lot of services coming in, because I was burned out.  Then as my mom was still recovering, she cancelled them all!  But I have held my boundary, and have not gone in to rescue her by doing all the services she cancelled. 

I hope things go well with your counsellor.  I had to change counsellor's once, because I just didn't feel a good connection with the first counsellor.  The one I have now I feel really good about.  She is super helpful and really challenges me to grow and understand how to interact with my BP mom.  I wish the same for you.

 

[pursuingJoy]

I share Methuen's hope that you connect with the therapist in your appointment tomorrow. I'll be waiting to hear how it goes!

Methuen, GaGrl and others here have walked this road and they have great practical suggestions. I'll be rereading these threads in the coming years, I'm sure.

My gosh I get the marital stuff. My husband, who is in your position, has often shared that same feeling of being between a rock and a hard place. It was never my intention to put him there, nor was it his to put himself there, but we both played a part. I've had to do some hard work on my own to learn how to effectively help and not hurt, work that your husband may also need to do. BPD is a unique creature and you gotta learn some important rules of engagement.

My husband is still very defensive of his mom so BPD hasn't entered the conversation with him but we are making sloow progress with setting some better boundaries.    You can work through this with your husband. This is tough stuff. It takes time.

Ultimately, I want it alone with my husband, and that's what I think the current plan is.

You wanting to spend the day with your husband is enough reason to do it because what you want, matters. Give your mom some time to self-soothe and see what happens. However you decide to spend Thanksgiving, you'll find support here. We get it, and we're in this for the long haul.

Let us know how tomorrow goes.

pj