Newcomer needing advice for mother

[Depression = 72% of members]

I am new to the BPD world and wish I had known about this my whole life. My mother exhibits symptoms of BPD, always has. In a large part because of this disorder, she has been living in my basement for 3.5 years with me, my husband and our 13 year old daughter. Things have continually gotten worse, to the point where I want her to move out but her only option is subsidized housing with a year-long waiting list.

I'm reading the book and have ordered the workbook, but a major concern is how to communicate with her. When she gets into her low moments, she continually talks over me and ignores all of my carefully crafted "I" statements. She simply refuses to listen. I sit and listen patiently, waiting to paraphrase and begin my part but she stops me in my tracks. When I get frustrated enough, my voice raises and then it's all over. How can I control this? Any tips?

[DesertRose77]

I am new to the BPD world and wish I had known about this my whole life. My mother exhibits symptoms of BPD, always has. In a large part because of this disorder, she has been living in my basement for 3.5 years with me, my husband and our 13 year old daughter. Things have continually gotten worse, to the point where I want her to move out but her only option is subsidized housing with a year-long waiting list.

I'm reading the book and have ordered the workbook, but a major concern is how to communicate with her. When she gets into her low moments, she continually talks over me and ignores all of my carefully crafted "I" statements. She simply refuses to listen. I sit and listen patiently, waiting to paraphrase and begin my part but she stops me in my tracks. When I get frustrated enough, my voice raises and then it's all over. How can I control this? Any tips?

[pursuingJoy]

DesertRose77, thanks for sharing a bit of your story. I'm pretty new to BPD too, definitely still learning. My BPD person is my MIL, so I have a slightly different perspective but I understand how difficult it can be.

Can you give an example of something you've tried to communicate about with your mom? Sometimes its helpful to have a little more context. This site has some really great tools to help you navigate emotions in the midst of difficult conversations. In my experience, this has been one of the more challenging things to do, but as I hear from other members here, it is possible!

Check out the "Tools" tab at the top of the page and look around to see if anything stands out. Wisemind is something I've been thinking a lot about lately.

Keep us posted, we're here because we understand and we care!

pj

[Harri]

Hi DesertRose.  I want to join pursuingJoy in saying welcome.   

She is right that the tools and strategies can help a great deal a lot of the time.  Mostly the tools are about us and helping us deal with our own emotions, to not make things worse and to help us have a better chance of being heard when we speak. 

I too would like some more details re: how a typical conversation with your mom goes and how you respond.  We can help with some suggestions and then you can see what might work for you.

I do have a question about the living arrangements, specifically the subsidized housing:  is she on the waiting list?  In some ways a year drags by and in others it flies. 

[Turkish]

What typically results in a confrontation, and how have things gotten worse in 3.5 years?