That's a good question. That's why we have talked a couple of times about him seeing his general physician regularly. From what I understand a yearly physical hasn't turned up any organic cause for his sudden change. No heart attacks, strokes or traumatic brain injury recently? No TIA's? Is there a family history of any neurological disease? His alcohol intake pretty reasonable? any reason to suspect recreational drug use? my mother was diagnosed bipolar but she also had a large arachnoid cyst in the brain. no one ever figured out how one impacted the other.
Oh, ok, got it. He does go pretty regularly. It’s been probably 2 years...but prior he was good about going every year to year and a half. He missed last year because we were traveling when he was supposed to go and then he wanted to lose weight before going. This year it got bumped because of pandemic.
Alcohol intake is minimal social level, no drug use (he doesn’t even like OTC). No family history that I am aware of, no TIAs or heart attacks.
His paternal grandmother was called “crazy” a few times. She was dead before I met him so I can’t provide any observational history. H’s dad had an affair and abandoned the family when H was mid 20s. His dad was super charming and I only really ever saw that side, but heard comments of some questionable behavior, besides the affair.
I put these comments in context of my own experience (my dad is so...) and either wasn’t paying attention or just plain too dang naive that I missed
after
. H also said things about mom and still has a weird “I hate you, but do all this stuff for you” relationship with her. She has some annoying traits and is opinionated, but I don’t see narcissism across the board. My older kids are convinced she is the cause of dad being f’ed up. It’s possible, but I haven’t put my finger on it exactly.
I feel fairly confident on narcissism and some BPD traits. I’ve spent a lot of time trying to understand. This was something I needed to feel comfortable proceeding. It may be a fault, but I take responsibility. Some may be eroded confidence in my view and just plain confusion. I accept that’s who I am.
But, I’m teetering toward more time on where I go from here, what my values are.
I feel negative physical, emotional and mental impacts. I’m not blaming him — I am responsible for myself. I chose to stick around on some delusion that things would get better or that my want and belief in our family would be enough.
The crazy thing is is that right now I feel how he’s been saying all this time. I don’t want to be here with him. I don’t think it’s good for either of us or the kids.
The question becomes, how much worse will it be if we separate, especially if I initiate?
So, I proceed slowly. I’ve detached about 50% emotionally. Still have to function. He’s finally talking about leaving the house so I can safely schedule a call with the L. Remembering it doesn’t mean we will divorce, but that I’m collecting info and preparing if it ends up there.
I’ve been pulling important docs (physical and electronic) and keepsakes that matter. I found a couple of storage options, just need to make sure billing doesn’t come to house. I can’t imagine what that would do.
I’m selfish (and borderline mean) that I hope he finds someone on Facebook so he’ll let us go. I know I can’t know exactly what he’s thinking, but he checks it all day, has told me no less than a thousand times it’s how people hook up with old flames and only ever tells me about what the “girls” he knows are doing/saying. It’s wrong to wish, but I still wish it.
Back to reality...just need to prepare for the worst.
I don’t think I have any way to feel the same or close to him again. The hurt is too great. Yes, things have been better, but I’ve also had more time to step back and really think about the behavior and make sense of some of it. And a gauge I use is what I would tell someone else in my shoes. What if it were one of my daughters? If my parents were here, what the f would they say? Get out. You deserve better. This isn’t love.
And here I am.
