I’m also new here. Trying something new. Expressing to others.
I can completely relate. One of the harder pills to swallow with my J is how he thinks that his words are law because he can see the logic in them and that his criticism of me is constructive. If I would only change my way of thinking, we could be happy. No disagreement is complete without him verbalizing how I just don’t get it and I continue to make him endure the same stupid behaviors. He genuinely believes that when he calls me ‘retarded’ he’s being easy on me because ‘it’s not a retard’s fault that they can’t understand.’
When I’m feeling feisty and refuse to relent, (usually on my stronger days) I give him a run for his money. I challenge him to get his satisfaction. I make him work for it. That sounds so ugly out loud. No one wins of course, it usually ends with the B word and how he never wants to see me again. Sometimes worse. But it helps me remember that I am not as weak as he says and more aware than knows.
Because I seemingly don’t operate as a fully functioning intelligent person in his eyes, it is also difficult to be expressive. I feel like I have to hide away the best parts of myself and behave as a drone to prevent the character attacks. An example is the music I listen to. It is either old and overplayed, too mainstream, or if it’s something he’s never heard, sounds like
PLEASE READ.
I have yet to go to therapy. I made an appointment once, but I got lost trying to find the office and arrived 7 minutes late. I was told to reschedule. It shouldn’t have deterred me, but it did. Proud of you for what you are doing for yourself!