What can I do to understand my son?

[Parents! Get help here!]

My son's wife has BPD. I've done so much research about her & BPD, I feel like I understand her now more than I do my son.
Like many others here, I've been outcasted. I'm no longer allowed to see them, talk to them, or have any contact with my 2 beloved granddaughters.
After 25 years of a wonderful, loving relationship, how can he discard me and his entire family like this? I refuse to accept that he doesn't have any moments of clarity in his thoughts, and remember who I really am. He's so brain washed, manipulated & controlled... I don't even know him anymore.
I don't know what to do. I don't know if there's anything that CAN be done. She's never wrong. Not at fault. No compromise, calls all the shots- and all the family is pushed out.
Why is this ok? I understand he no longer has ANY self-esteem, and can not stick up for himself, but this is just so excruciating! Thanks for the accusations and gas-lighting, but I've been thoroughly examined, and guess what- it's not me!
There's a lot of literature on the abuser and BPD, but what is out there to understand HIM or how to help HIM?  :'-(

[bemasoner]

My son's wife has BPD. I've done so much research about her & BPD, I feel like I understand her now more than I do my son.
Like many others here, I've been outcasted. I'm no longer allowed to see them, talk to them, or have any contact with my 2 beloved granddaughters.
After 25 years of a wonderful, loving relationship, how can he discard me and his entire family like this? I refuse to accept that he doesn't have any moments of clarity in his thoughts, and remember who I really am. He's so brain washed, manipulated & controlled... I don't even know him anymore.
I don't know what to do. I don't know if there's anything that CAN be done. She's never wrong. Not at fault. No compromise, calls all the shots- and all the family is pushed out.
Why is this ok? I understand he no longer has ANY self-esteem, and can not stick up for himself, but this is just so excruciating! Thanks for the accusations and gas-lighting, but I've been thoroughly examined, and guess what- it's not me!
There's a lot of literature on the abuser and BPD, but what is out there to understand HIM or how to help HIM?  :'-(

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

That is a tough situation Bemasoner. Of course you are not to blame. Your son is probably doing his best to hold on to his marriage and that means always siding with his wife no matter what. He probably knows deep down that you are not the evil person his wife paints you to be. But as long as she does he has a choice, you or her, and he is choosing her. This may change in the future but all you can do for now is try to have empathy for the position he is in and hope for better days.

[bemasoner]

Thank you kindly!

[FaithHopeLove]

I wonder. Have you learned anything about your son's girlfriend from the books you read on BPD that might help you to empathize with your son?