Sorry this may be long!
I have struggled with my mom for so many years, and I just recently am understanding that her entire perception is skewed. I always knew she had a bad childhood, but she always made me think she was my savior and that she was the best mom in the world. My dad and brother were always amazed at how I kept myself calm and collected around her when I was younger.. which I was capable of because she really thought I was the absolute best, most successful child with a prodigy-type athletic and academic career. I was always pushed harder by coaches and her until about age 13 when I broke and tore pretty much everything in my right leg. Following several surgeries, where I was very dependent on her, I had to find myself without a sport that had defined me since age 3.
It was like I let her down once I stopped gymnastics. It was the only thing we really had in common because she was so supportive of it (however I've come to realize she really just desires prestige- she REALLLY wanted me to be a doctor since I couldn't be a gymnast). After this, our relationship got worse every year after I started high school. She favored my brother over me but it wasn't obvious enough for anyone else to notice until I was about 16. My dad and brother began to see my perspective and see how she criticized my every move. They were good supports, thankfully. As I got older, I wanted more and more independence, something that she definitely did not want. She always was so convincing, like she had convinced herself that she really was being the best mom and giving me no control over my life would prevent me from making any mistakes. I got older though, and my last two years in highschool were a roller coaster.
It was always an ultimatum, I am either a 'good christian girl' or a girl who got back home a little past 10pm, AKA I must have been doing drugs or drinking, before I had successfully driven home. I began to lie when I was with friends, saying I was at work or library, etc.
She convinced me that I was so lucky that she cared and wanted the best for me like her parents never did. She was certainly emotionally neglected, and I do wish I could take that all away from her.
My dad had always just been there. I know it sounds bad, but he really just was. He enabled, he just did what was told, she ruined his finances, and nearly bankrupt him (a man that had a 6-figure income). He wasn't always a doormat, but over the years you could tell he had just submitted to her and given up. He had no friends or life. He came home from work, did what she said, and tried to hide in the basement otherwise. My last 2 years of high school were treacherous as I tried to grow independence and make more of my own choices. My dad and I made almost some sort of alliance after we both realized she was driving us both crazy. He would lie for me, he would back up stories so that we could both escape for a little. We were always excited when we got home from work/school and she wasn't there. Never knew where she was, but she certainly always knew where we were. I definitely got caught a few times and it was always an insane explosion, but a day or two later it usually was over. He one time got dinner with a male friend (that he had known for over 20 years), and she threw an absolute fit. I found out some time that year that she had reported him for domestic abuse once and had him put in jail when they were just married.
Getting caught in lies made things worse, and I started to just believe deep down that I really was just bad. I really just wanted to have normal friends, I wasn't trying to be an awful kid. I did get closer with my dad and we helped each other kind of stay in touch with reality. We both used to justify her until the last few years of living there when I realized that she was just like her mother in some ways. And he had come to the same conclusion.
My brother and I both at college had left her with an empty nest, and only one 'slave', my dad. He really is the sweetest guy, trying to just stay around because he felt obligated to. He couldn't even talk. They never had talks, it was orders and compliance. Eventually 2 years in, following his retirement and slipping into a deep depression as he wasn't at work most of the day anymore, she was demanding that he stop being so lazy and start working again. She has a great degree and at one point had a great income but she stopped working when I was about 3 because she got fired so often.
My dad leaving was the last straw, she clinged to my brother and I desperately. It got bad, and the divorce is never ending, she refuses to come to any agreements even though my dad has given her more than half of everything just because he is so desperate to escape. I have been able to mature and reflect on all of this in college thankfully. I myself struggled severely with depression for several years. Following a bad semester where I did nothing but lay around, I tried a medication that took things from bad to worse. I developed amnesia (and i dont want pity, im not a victim, this actually happened) and was hospitalized several times. I had severe short term memory loss, and I couldnt remember the last year. I had utterly dissociated and no one knew why. I stopped medication and tried another and another. Nothing got better, until it did. I had a lot of perspective on mental health following that year and it really helped me understand my mom, but I knew it was time to take care of myself, and finally she put a little focus on my health because it was quite obviously bad as I had withdrawn from school since I couldn't remember anything. Eventually my dad and I stopped trying to find a cause for the amnesia, and just looked for solutions. It took a long time but I can happily say I have never been better.
Once I was capable of functioning, it was pretty much just back to the same as my mom had been floundering without my dad for almost a year. She said she needed surgery, which she wouldn't tell us what it was for, and we found out it was an elective surgery that she really didn't need. She had been very obese for years at this point, and had weight loss surgery and everything, but she was very addicted to sugar. I think it was some sort of plastic surgery but I really don't know. She demanded we take care of her, literally the day before the surgery. My brother with a full time job, and me with a job and a full time student were left with no real choice. He helped much more than I because he knew our relationship was pretty strained. At this point she desperately wanted my attention that I had stopped giving much of. She called and called and when I answered she pleaded stories of how she was abused and raped when she was younger. I don't know what to believe, but she started talking about killing herself so I would come home, and it definitely worked. We had a talk because our relationship was pretty obviously bad. I remained calm and mostly quiet as thats what I had done in high school, until she started saying 'if our relationship doesn't improve, I will have nothing to live for, and I will to kill myself" and that made me snap and say "i feel like you're manipulating me". Obviously she didn't like this confrontation and after some yelling, I just submitted and went with the your right, you're the victim approach that always diffused a scenario. This was about a month ago.
Since the divorce, I had become close with my dad and brother, realizing we all have so much in common, but we had never been ourselves around each other. She blew up to my brother and I about him, and how she couldn't believe we weren't furious at him. She was so angry at me because I 'forgave him for ruining this family'. He was finally happy and out, and I was happy for him, but I started keeping our relationship a secret after that. The surgery was bad, she got infected, and had to have another surgery a few weeks later. My brother moved, she wouldn't let my dad around and I couldn't take care of her 3 dogs, 1 of which was a rescue from an abused background that would bite any hired help. My dad and I knew that dog needed to be put down in order for me to have any hope in college, so my dad took the dog and WITH her permission, had him put down. Following this he got nasty texts about having 'another death on his hands' and other such.
I am stuck taking care of her because literally everyone she knows, family and friends, has left. My dad helps in ways that he can, but its not easy for him to help without her knowing. I kind of don't know where to go anymore. I am finally doing well in school, on proper medication, in therapy, doing research and writing a thesis (neuroscience
), and have friends again (although no one will ever understand or believe me about any of this stuff so I don't really share it of anymore haha). I am much more optimistic, but I feel like a bad person and guilty because deep down I wish I could just walk away and forget about her entirely.
Anyways, not trying to have a sob story, I really feel like I have learned so much and have great people skills and a fulfilling passion in my career because of these things. I still struggle, and I really do need help figuring out what to do, but even just writing this all and talking to a therapist and getting someone to believe me or just hear me besides my dad is helpful:)
