My first post

[IsolatedinTX]

After getting an e-copy of "Stop Walking on Egg Shells", I am 100 percent sure this is what my wife has.  It's a second marriage for both of us and things have been very turbulent starting six months into our marriage 5 years ago.

We've been to two different marriage counselors but each time my wife decides to drop out after about 6 sessions.  I've found that both counselors started off focusing on me as the problem and had me do homework on reflective listening and communication skills; however, after about 6 sessions, they started asking my wife more probing questions and pointing out areas where her thinking is faulty.  She then refuses to go back to the counselor because she insists on being the victim and similarly insists that I'm the perpetrator of all her problems and afflictions.  This is something I've heard on a weekly basis for the last four and a half years.  I know it's only partially based on reality but I still take it personally.

Sometimes I feel like I'm losing my mind. Our last fight she freaked out because I used the wrong towel...no kidding...our dog was retching in the bedroom at 2 AM (she always goes to a specific corner to throw up if she's sick).  I went to the closet and found the oldest towel I could find (a beach towel) and put it in the corner.  The next morning she scolds me in front of my mom who happened to be visiting.  I just sucked it up and said I was sorry for using the wrong towel and asked what she would prefer next time.  She never answered me.  I thought this episode was over but then yesterday she brings this up again and says this is just one more way in a long series of events that I disregard her and that she may divorce me and that she's going to take the car, house, and everything in it (note: she does not work because she's depressed and it' apparently all my fault too).
She then states that she is the giver in the relationship and now she's going to start receiving whatever she wants.  (This is a bald faced lie as I had just cleaned the entire house and master bathroom nearly all by myself plus I did the majority of cooking over the weekend and the dishes too).  At that point, I told her she was being a "B" and wasn't going to hear any more of her arguments.  I said if you're this angry over a towel, then this proves to me you were already in a pissed off mood and you just want to find a way to blame me.  I ended up leaving yesterday afternoon to a hotel because I told her that she was being toxic.  My experience is that if I stay in the house, she will enter whatever room I'm in and drop verbal bombs (you're just a selfish psychopath, you never consider me, you just want a replacement for your first wife, I see why your first wife left you.)  Fortunately, my work has me traveling on the road for 7 days.  She told me not to call but wanted to know what hotel I was staying at.  I refused to tell her and then she said something to the effect of I hope you go "F" your girlfriend.  BTW, I've been completely faithful to my wife and work in a male dominated job.

She becomes irate and threatens divorce when I call anyone for help (pastors, counselors, etc).  I feel very isolated.

I think I need help coming up with some boundaries.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[strugglingBF]

This sounds a lot like my uBPgf.  I am been reading on this site a lot about abandonment, splitting, etc. being the cornerstones of BPD.  While I see those in my GF, the thing I see most often is good ol'fashion short-fused intense anger and temper tantrums.  My GF has literally gotten mad at me for her inability to keep a schedule, or do her homework (she is a college drop out that is currently going back to get an associates degree at 46).  She will get absolutely irate over very small miscommunications or disagreements.  She will get mad at me for not thinking of something she needed for a particular trip or event.  She goes immediately to cussing at me, calling me every name in the book, repeatedly hanging up on me (then continuing to text me books and books of nastiness while telling me she doesn't want to talk to me), attacking the character of my kids (my kids are actually very well behaved and her kids are actually very high maintenance).  After spending more and more time on this site, and doing more and more research, you start to take things less personally.  That is by no means an excuse for tolerating disrespectable behavior.  One thing you will hear over and over from people on this site is to set boundaries and stick to them.  I have not mastered this yet as it can be tough when dealing with the irrational thoughts and behaviors of someone with BPD, but supposedly they will catch on if you stick to it.  I can give you story after story about temper and anger.  If I go a day without it, I cherish those days.  I am being completely serious.  I have actually become a more quiet introverted person since dating her because I never know what will set her off.  It makes me scared to discuss anything of depth or anything that she could have too hard of a stance on.  She will disagree with something I know for a fact she believes in, just to argue sometimes.  It is like she is addicted to drama and conflict.  She is very high functioning outside of a personal relationship.  Unfortunately, they save all of this for the people they are closest to emotionally. 

[strugglingBF]

One thing I forgot to mentioned that has seemed to help me recently, and I owe a thanks to those on this board that have helped me with this...You absolutely have to make her feel heard and understood, even when it doesn't make sense to you (or wouldn't make sense to most people).  Usually there is some kind of truth to why she is upset, and it could have nothing to do with whatever triggered her.  She has a truth in there that is causing a great disruption in her.  They just don't have the mental stability not to take it out on those close to them.  You are essentially an easy target and the reason for all of their internal disruptions.  I have fallen trap to taking everything to heart and lashing out back at my GF.  It only makes things worst, much much worse.  You basically have to be the bigger person 100% of the time.  Take the high road 100% of the time.  All while someone is doing everything they can to tear you down.  It isn't easy.  I am just starting to make small strides and get small wins.  And I have done it all by making her feel heard and empathizing with her.