BPD Bio-Mom and the 'No Good Child" Need support

[InCanada]

Hey all, Thanks for the add. I am a Step Mom (SM) of a beautiful 9 year old girl and 8 year old girl. Her BPD mom has 'kicked'  SD9 out of the house 2x. Once in the summer and once more recently. The latest incident was because my SD9 would not change her shirt. An argument ensued and ended in BPD mom dropping SD9 off at our house. When the drop off occurred, BPD mom was screaming that this was all his fault, etc. In the process of 'kicking' SD9 out - BPD mom dumped her clothes out of her drawers and told her she is selling all of her stuff. (BPD mom also told girls if they don't live with her she can't afford to keep the house - will cover this later). Since there is no formal custody agreement in place Dad has been keeping SD9 at his house with visits to BPD mom. BPD mom has also been taking SD9 to counselling (just SD9 and BPD mom) after a few weeks the counselor recommended that SD9 slowly reintegrate back into the house, then one week ago counselor suddenly pivoted and suggested go back to the usual times with BPD mom (I think SD9 was pressured into saying this was okay). SD9 went back for one overnight and in that overnight, BPD mom and SD9 got into an argument, BPD mom wanted her to clean. BPD mom also shipped her off to her Dads house (grandpa) and SD9 spent most of the access time with grandpa (BPD moms boyfriend was over.) The next regular drop off time, SD9 did not want to go and told her BPD mom that she didn't. BPD mom blew up and locked SD9 in the house with her, SD9 was terrified and did eventually get out of the house. As SD9 was getting in the car with dad, BPD mom was yelling that she is calling the cops (which really has no bearing, because there is no agreement as this is a civil matter.) How damaging! SD9 was once again terrified.

This is obviously damaging SD9 that is involved. SD8 that isn't subject to this abuse as she is the 'all good' child and BPD mom doesn't seem to split on her. But SD8 has been exposed to the fighting and the drama as well. I am concerned for both girls and my partner as this is not healthy. My partner is going to start going to counselling to support SD9 (and to ensure that the counselor knows that BPD mom has BPD.. I don't think the counselor knows). My question is  - does this behavior have any bearing in a custody application to court? Can we apply for full custody based on this? I've done a ton of reading about BPD, my book collection is quite large. I think we are doing the right things for the girls, but I want to know if we can do more legally to get them away from this and give them a consistent schedule with Dad (Give BPD mom the opportunity to really work on herself and get better - this is the other goal - she needs to get better so she can have a long life and be the stable and loving mom that the girls need). BPD Mom is hurting them and when the SD9 says she doesn't feel safe at BPD moms house - BPD mom invalidates her feelings and says that she is blowing things out of proportion (I think SD9 feelings are valid).

Also - BPD mom is not working, she is currently on leave from work for her disorder, but is getting paid, but not working. She is refusing to cooperate with the legal process to get divorced and effective Jan 1 she no longer qualifies for child support as Canadian law speculates that once the parent has below 40% time with the child they no longer qualify. There was a situation this summer where both SD were sent to be with Dad because BPD mom couldn't handle life. She is still living in the family home, but won't be able to afford the payments...(we can see this - she cant) we need her to sell the house and get my partner off of the mortgage. She has no ability to grasp the concept that she is a non-working single person living in a house that needs a dual income family in it.. how do we get this through to her? We are trying to help her, but are at a loss of what to do.. She keeps spiraling and creating these situations which a regular person can see coming - but she doesn't get it. How does one actually communicate with BPD mom and it sinks in.

[worriedStepmom]

Welcome.  There are a lot of stepmoms here.  I have SD12.  My H and uBPDmom had 50/50 custody for 8 years, and then last year it all went to heck and H got primary custody.  Within the next few weeks, uBPDmom will have no overnights with SD, just 8 hr daytime visits every other Sat and Sun.  It is my SD12's dearest wish that her mom get better and they go back to 50/50 custody, but right now that is not a possibility.

Why doesn't dad have a formalized custody agreement yet?  Is it because their divorce isn't final?  Has he consulted his lawyer about what evidence he needs to file for full custody with very limited time for mom?
I live in the southern US, so our process may be different from yours.  Here, the courts care very little about a diagnosis and a lot more about the way the behavior affects the child.  It is really good that you have SD9 in therapy (and I would try hard to make sure that her mom doesn't bring her to or pick her up from the appointments), and it might be good for SD8 to be in therapy as well.

In our case, we had a plethora of text messages and emails (to H, to me, to SD, and to SD's therapist) that showed uBPDmom emotionally manipulating and abusing SD, threatening to abandon SD, and generally showing really bad judgement about parenting.  We had documented all the times that mom didn't pick up SD as scheduled, brought SD back early, or offered to give away her time with SD.  I had documented all the times uBPDmom came to our house uninvited and caused a scene (and the times she called the cops or threatened to).  We also documented SD's reactions - crying spells, shaking, nervous tics, constant runny nose (apparently that is a sign of stress in kids).

If I were in your shoes I'd have your partner at the lawyer's office tomorrow asking what he needs to do to get the kids away from mom unless and until mom can prove she can parent effectively.

[worriedStepmom]

We are trying to help her, but are at a loss of what to do.. She keeps spiraling and creating these situations which a regular person can see coming - but she doesn't get it. How does one actually communicate with BPD mom and it sinks in.

My SD12's mom has been hospitalized for psychiatric care twice in 2019 and has seen her time with her daughter dwindle. Multiple therapists have told her that her conduct towards SD is not appropriate.  uBPDmom continues to blame H, me, and SD's T for brainwashing and stealing SD, and she fires the Ts. She asked my H to find her a new T.  This is a TRAP.  It's a way of making everything *his* fault because it is *his* therapist.

You can't help someone who won't help themselves.  It may be very difficult for your partner, as he is used to rescuing mom.  That needs to stop, and his focus needs to be on rescuing his daughters. 

[InCanada]

Why doesn't dad have a formalized custody agreement yet?  Is it because their divorce isn't final?  Has he consulted his lawyer about what evidence he needs to file for full custody with very limited time for mom?

@worriedstepmom - We have been working hard towards a custody agreement, she changes her mind like the direction of the wind changes, then she gets hospitalized, or she 'just can't handle these kids' and we get them for most of the summer. Honestly, its exhausting - the girls need consistency and so do we. My Partner has just started the divorce proceedings and she has already refused to provide the first piece of documentation he asked for. Its going to be a long road. I think its in the best interests of the girls for him to file for full custody, but in Canada, there is a preference for judges to either go with the status quo of what already is (which is a complete mess as she calls for help or 'calls in sick' from being a mom - i.e. migraine, insert flavor of the day illness here) or stick with 50/50. My partner already has had 60% time with the girls over the last 2 years (due to unscheduled days - i.e. hospital, BPD mom calling in sick for parenting). Lawyers are involved at this point, but Canada likes the co-operative law approach - which is like mediation. That works lovely, when the two parties are mentally well adults, not so well when one has BPD.

Thank you for the documentation tips! We will be sure to be more diligent in documenting the issues/calls/texts.. etc. These BPD moms are something else entirely. I had no idea people like this existed. I hope that you continue to have success keeping your babies safe.

[InCanada]

@worriedstepmom. I feel you on the blame game. My partner finally got the BPDmom off his insurance and she blamed him for her financial woes. That she can't afford a mortgage payment because her pills are so much and this and that costs money. I feel like shaking her and telling her then sell the house you clearly can't afford. He doesn't help her pay anything except provide child support, which he legally doesn't have to do, but does because his name is on the mortgage and he doesn't want his credit ruined.  I would love for him to be able to walk away and not help at all, but what's the line? Does one wreck their credit because of a sick individual.. it just seems like there is no winning with these people.

[CoherentMoose]

Hello.  Sorry to hear about your difficult situation.

I too highly recommend you start down a legal path of protecting the children.  They are way to young to be exposed to the emotional load they are encountering. 

We are trying to help her, but are at a loss of what to do.. She keeps spiraling and creating these situations which a regular person can see coming - but she doesn't get it. How does one actually communicate with BPD mom and it sinks in.

While one can always hope someone will change, change is unlikely if she suffers from BPD.  It takes a concerted effort and years of therapy.  Focus on what you have control over and can effect as best you can. 

I highly recommend searching on this site.  It is chock full of information.  There are tools on this site that discuss communication with a BP (BIFF, JADE, SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN [https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.0]) and many book recommendations (Don't Alienate the Children, Divorce Poison, Splitting). 

This board is also a great resource on how others have navigated similar challenges as a step parent. 

Good luck in your journey and please keep posting here.  Good luck.  jdc

[InCanada]

@jdc Thank you for the resources! I will start reading them. I appreciate the sentiment of focus on what we can control and will try to make that my mantra!

[mart555]

I am not sure where you are in Canada but collaborative law or mediation is unlikely to be the way to go in your case.  He should file and assume it will be a long road.  Maybe he was like me, unused to want to save the kids and the ex.  I realized after a few months that it would get nowhere, and she had a few bad episodes which quickly made me turn into super protective dad. 

The kids should come first, and I see some  damage being done to sd9.  Sadly, she is young and will have a difficult time to set boundaries witu the mom.  I hope that the father turns protective sooner rather than later.  You may want to look into OCL or whatever it is in your province

[livednlearned]

We have been working hard towards a custody agreement, she changes her mind like the direction of the wind changes, then she gets hospitalized, or she 'just can't handle these kids' and we get them for most of the summer.

If mom is being periodically hospitalized, a lawyer can file some version of an emergency order to suspend visitation. It helps too if you have additional documentation (in addition to her hospitalization) like recordings (if one-party consent is legal where you live), or just tracking behaviors in a calendar.

I used Google calendar to keep a log of what was happening daily, then printed it out in agenda view so I had a chronological record of what happened when, and pinned different emails to specific dates for cross reference. Like you say, it's a long road. With so much chaos and emotion, it's easy to forget things and the order in which they happened. If your case does go before a judge, having an accurate recall of events helps increase credibility, which mom will be working overtime to undermine.

I also printed out emails and filed them in a binder and created categories with labels, including a very thin section of emails that were normal. My lawyer used this for a deposition, pulling out the ones that helped my case to use later in court, and also used it as a prop to signal to the opposing counsel that he should do everything in his power to avoid a trial.

My Partner has just started the divorce proceedings and she has already refused to provide the first piece of documentation he asked for.

Stonewalling is one of the most prevalent problems we experience with disordered individuals in court. A good question for your L is "what alternatives do we have if she doesn't produce this by day/date?" There is a certain predictable unpredictability to BPD behavior, so assume with every step that she will block or obstruct or stonewall and try to use your time with a lawyer to plan out those steps so you aren't constantly trying to get in touch with a busy lawyer to get plan B and plan C and plan D going.

in Canada, there is a preference for judges to either go with the status quo of what already is

That's the same here. You can still ask for full custody -- no real harm in signaling to the court you truly know what's best for the kids, even if it might not appear that way in the beginning. Once custody proceedings begin officially in court, the clock officially begins to tick. Meaning, you might say these bad things are happening to the kids, and the judge will take note, but until he or she starts to witness them on his clock, there may be a period of wait and see. It's painful to go through, and it's part of being in a system, unfortunately. With good documentation (and mom's own inability to hold things together) the court is more likely to agree that full custody is better for the kids.

What tends to work best is a fair reasonable proposal that mom has to rise to the occasion for, and if she fails, things remain safe for the kids. For example, if she is hospitalized again, then dad gets primary physical custody and sole legal custody, and mom gets either supervised visitation or unsupervised visitation for 4 hours on Sat and 4 hours on Sun. In the meantime she attends anger management classes, parenting classes, and undergoes a psychiatric evaluation like the MMPI-2, and completes these by day/date at which point she can file to modify visitation, with documentation that she has completed all of the items.

Lawyers are involved at this point, but Canada likes the co-operative law approach - which is like mediation. That works lovely, when the two parties are mentally well adults, not so well when one has BPD.

A lot of courts in the US like this approach, too. Have you read Splitting by Bill Eddy? He's a great resource for understanding BPD and the legal system. This article is based on Eddy's work and might be helpful for your lawyer to read: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=270440.msg12566140#msg12566140

Don't be afraid to ask for full custody if that's what appears to be best. As long as you offer some kind of therapeutic program for mom to help her be a better mom, it probably won't seem out of the ordinary, especially given that there are hospitalizations involved.

In my case I asked for the equivalent of sole custody (primary physical custody and sole legal custody) with a 80/20 visitation schedule. After mediation, I ended up with primary physical custody and a graduated 80/20 schedule that eventually went to 60/40 over time, which never got there because ex always had a reason (never asking to swap times). For the sole legal custody the original order just said that the plaintiff and defendant could not agree therefore that matter would have to go before the court. Then I waited and documented and when it made sense, asked for it again in court. It took years   but eventually I did get the equivalent of sole custody.

The key is to look at the long game and make sure that everything you ask for has a consequence for inaction that favors you. Meaning, if she doesn't do x, it won't affect you because you've set it up to work for the kids regardless of what she does. That way you don't have to go back to court to get something fixed. She does, and it takes a lot of emotional and cognitive effort to move forward with legal action.

Keep posting here. People here understand what you're going through and really do care.  

LnL

[GaGrl]

In addition to setting up a way to document thoroughly (LnL is masterful!), You can go back through emails, texts, and your calendar to document what has happened so far. This lets you show what has been happening around the hospitalizations.

[InCanada]

Thank you so much for those tips! It will help us out a lot!

Update: BPD mom no longer qualified for Child support in 2020 due to her having less than the 40% time with the girls that she needs to have. This has proven to be a very solid way to get her to actually pay attention to the task at hand. It seems money is her main motivator (shopping issues) and she needs that money to maintain her lifestyle, but doesn't have the mental or emotional capacity to have the girls. Long story short, we are starting to get somewhere. But as you all know its going to be 1 step forward and 99 steps back.

I'm just hoping that we can maintain a stable home environment for the girls, while limiting time with BPD mom until she is mentally equipped to actually show up and be a stable and positive influence. I give kudos to all of you that live this everyday and have found the strength to keep going!