Part 5: Wife not giving me access to son

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Mod Note:  this thread continues from:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=335579.0;all

I had been hoping to hear from the visitation center this week about my schedule but no word.

My lawyer called yesterday to say that we have had to put our prosecution of my wife on hold as she has come out once again accusing me of sex abuse of our son in August last year just before she left me.  We have no idea on what new grounds she is alleging this as previous investigations concluded that no abuse took place.  So we wait to see what legal moves she puts into place. My lawyer says that so far she hasn't pressed charges against me. Yet.  

This makes me so mad.  What she is doing is so calculated and so malicious. How could anybody do that to someone?

It's also frustrating for me because my lawyer, who I have great faith in, doesn't speak English and talks fast in legalese Spanish and I understand about 50% of what she says and probably mis-understand (thinking I understand) a further 25%.

It's a holiday weekend here in Mexico, so public offices are shut on Monday. The lawyer said that I should hear from the visitation center by Friday.

I'm so angry that that woman, who I never wronged, should not only want to steal my son away so she can have him all to her self, but also want to destroy me with the most hideous of accusations. It makes my blood boil and I feel powerless.  Who knows what "evidence" she has cooked up? Has she implanted false memories in our son too? I shudder to think.

[Dragon72]

Mod Note:  this thread continues from:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=335579.0;all

I had been hoping to hear from the visitation center this week about my schedule but no word.

My lawyer called yesterday to say that we have had to put our prosecution of my wife on hold as she has come out once again accusing me of sex abuse of our son in August last year just before she left me.  We have no idea on what new grounds she is alleging this as previous investigations concluded that no abuse took place.  So we wait to see what legal moves she puts into place. My lawyer says that so far she hasn't pressed charges against me. Yet.  

This makes me so mad.  What she is doing is so calculated and so malicious. How could anybody do that to someone?

It's also frustrating for me because my lawyer, who I have great faith in, doesn't speak English and talks fast in legalese Spanish and I understand about 50% of what she says and probably mis-understand (thinking I understand) a further 25%.

It's a holiday weekend here in Mexico, so public offices are shut on Monday. The lawyer said that I should hear from the visitation center by Friday.

I'm so angry that that woman, who I never wronged, should not only want to steal my son away so she can have him all to her self, but also want to destroy me with the most hideous of accusations. It makes my blood boil and I feel powerless.  Who knows what "evidence" she has cooked up? Has she implanted false memories in our son too? I shudder to think.

[formflier]

There is a procedure or filing you can do in the US (so hopefully you can do it down there) that prevents people from filing further charges unless they get the pre approved.

In other words they have to present all evidence and claims first before the file will be accepted or moved forward in any way.

Worth asking about.

Perhaps once she gets actually charge with false claims they can prevent further claims.  What was the status of that again?

Hang in there.

Best,

FF

[ForeverDad]

What FF mentioned is called "Gatekeeping" when a judge notices a pattern of obstructive or delaying tactics and steps in to assess the claim before accepting any filing.  I think it's only done in extreme cases.  Yes, ours are the extreme cases.

My ex made so many allegations to hospitals, CPS, sheriff's office, etc that I lost count.  One time I recall CPS calling me to inform me that my ex had made an unspecified claim but they had closed it.  Her allegations were always about some new claim.  I don't have any experience with my ex reopening an old claim.

[Dragon72]

I think my wife's stategy is not going to do anything except delay things. As my lawyer said, if she really did have something on me (which would be impossible or a fabication) she would have pressed charges again already, which has not happened.

Meanwhile, I saw my wife driving her car in the street last week, with our son in the back. It's the first time I saw him since I got my 15 seconds in front of the judge back in March (which was the first time I saw him since he was "abducted" by my wife in August 2018.  He was wearing the school uniform (we're in Mexico where they have school uniform) of a low-cost local private school.

It hit me hard seeing him like that. I've been feeling low ever since. 

But at least he's going to school, even if it's a far cry from the (best in the country) bi-cultural and bilingual school where he had been a pupil for 3 years before the abduction and where I continue to pay his fees for an empty seat.  I'm still not certain how she managed to enrol him in his new school since I have not approved his release from the one he used to go to (a legal necessity).

Still waiting for the visitation center to give me a schedule of visitation.  Apparently they're waiting for my wife to provide the name of someone who can take my son to the center when she's not available. I imaging my wife will be in noo hurry to give them that information.

It's good that I have the patience of Job.

[Dragon72]

The court has now ordered my wife to provide the information the visitation center has asked for withing 3 working days or face a fine.

[formflier]

Can you remind us again what information she is not wanting to give up?

Hang in there! 

Best,

FF

[Dragon72]

They need the name of someone who can take our son to visitation when my stbx is not able to go herself.

[formflier]

They need the name of someone who can take our son to visitation when my stbx is not able to go herself.

Wow..such a simple thing that she is being obstructionist on.

Praying that you will soon get to spend time with your son.  Hang in there Dragon72!

Best,

FF

[Dragon72]

She and her attorney have been very skilled at kicking the can down the road and delaying. 

That's why, nearly 15 months after denying me access to our son based on a completely fabricated lie for which she obviously has no proof, I still haven't been able to see my beloved son.

I wish she could understand the damage she's doing, not just to me, but also to our son, all of it based on lies she concocted so that she can deflect shame away from her own self.  But I know that is beyond her capabilities.  You need empathy, plus the ability to not personalize everything as being about her. 

She will go to the end of time insisting on her "truth".
Neither will I give up on my son, who deserves his dad. 

[formflier]

Neither will I give up on my son, who deserves his dad. 

This is a powerful truth!   You are living it out.  I hope and pray "the system" comes through and you are soon reunited on a regular schedule.

You are getting close.  Keep fighting the good fight!

Best,

FF

[CoherentMoose]

Amen FF.  At the end-of-days Dragon, you want to know you did the best you could for your son.  Good luck and God Bless.  jdc

[Dragon72]

It will be my son's 6th birthday on Friday and for the second year in a row I will have no way of contacting him. So I'm feeling pretty blue this week.

[CoherentMoose]

Ouch.  Keep your eye on the prize.  Maybe get him a card, write him a letter, buy him a small gift preparing for when you can give them to him.  Allow yourself to grieve a bit, then raise head up and continue moving towards your goals.  Review your legal checklist and make sure things are in place.  Do something for yourself.  You need to be strong and remain in the game for your son.  For me, it's exercising to "change the tune".  Read a good book.  Listen to good music.  Something.  Anything. jdc   

[Dragon72]

Nearly one month on since I last posted and still no real progress.
Things move so slowly.
The court has ordered the visitation center to arrange within 3 working days the interviews (with wife/son/me) so they can set up the visitation schedule. 
I can't believe it's all taking so long.
I think I'm moving closer to seeing my boy.  It's getting on for 16 months now.

[CoherentMoose]

Hang in there Dragon. jdc

[Grady]

I really hope you finally are able to see your son.  I was talking about your situation with my H.  I am scared this will be our future as well.  I applaud you for never giving up.  One day your son will learn how you fought for him.  You have been amazing through all of this.  Keep taking care of yourself.

[Dragon72]

January 2020 update:

The judge did decree that I should have access to my son and in early December, after an interview with me, the Visitation Center gave me a date for the "first meeting" with my son after which they would decide on duration and frequency of subsequent access to him.  The date for the meeting was Sunday January 5th. 

I spent all my 3 week Christmas vacation (I'm a school teacher!) getting excited about finally getting to see my son after 17 months of separation. 

On the 5th I went to the Visitation Center at the appointed hour with a big bag of gifts, only to be told that there would be no meeting with my son as my ex had objected to the meeting and that they had tried in vain to notify me beforehand that it would not be taking place.  This was a devastating disappointment that I really should have anticipated.

As far as my lawyer and I are concerned this is in breach of the judge's order.  Surely it can't be doing my ex's case any good. 

So, a further delay. Let's see what the judge says.

[I Am Redeemed]

I'm so sorry, Dragon. That had to be a devastating letdown for you, though not surprising, as you said.

Will you be back in court soon? Does her lawyer know that she is continuing to obstruct visitation even though it is ordered by the judge? You're right, that can't look good for her. As painful as it is, it's probably favorable for you, though, because there are witnesses and documentation of the unreasonable obstruction.

I can't imagine a judge buying any excuse she could come up with for why she didn't comply with the court ordered supervised visitation.

[Grady]

Oh Dragon, I'm so sorry.  That is heartbreaking.  How can she just object?  That definitely can't look good for her to go against a court ordered visit.  Especially one that is supervised.  What is your lawyer going to do now?  Hang in there.  You have made it this far...you will continue to persevere and get access to your son back.

[formflier]

I'm so sorry.

I would ask your lawyers if you can put an automatic consequence in from now on.  This is "proof" that she will do whatever she can to obstruct.

Thinking of you.  Be strong!

Best,

FF

[livednlearned]

Wow. She doesn't have much regard for the courts.

I'm so sorry you had to go through that, and are still going through this.

When my ex began to openly (and repeatedly) defy the judge's orders, that's when things started to slowly get better in my custody case. I hope the same might happen for you.

Ordinary people don't defy court orders so a pattern of that begins to draw attention. In the US, the judge is considered a supreme witness, so what happens in response to his or her orders can be the most meaningful evidence of all. I don't know if it works that way in Mexico or not, but it can't be good to cross the judge