Hi wendydarling
Sorry I was not clear on this bit-
Yes, his wife's been caught stealing from his employer, wow! I'm interested to know how your DS explains that to you. He fails to make a visit to his son and to keep his mobile topped up, knowing very well his wife won't answer the phone for OGS ….Different instances. I couldn't even make this up if I tried. As he was in the office with his boss, being told his wife was actively stealing from other store locations in the chain, my son literally got a call from DIL, from jail, saying she had been arrested for shoplifting. My son was told that because he is such a good employee, the company is not doing anything about it. He did not tell me this, someone else did. I found out about her arrest in the newspaper. I called my son at the time and told him I knew about the arrest and if he wants to talk I would listen and pass no judgment or say anything. He does not know I know about her stealing from his employer, or if he does, I didn't tell him or anyone.
Have you asked your son, what DIL wanted to say to you, needed from you the day she called following her arrest
I knew what she wanted to say, I actually heard it before I said a thing to her. She wanted to talk about OGS. There was an incident at the home OGS is at that turned out to be nothing. DIL called me saying my son "did not want to be bothered with it" and that is when I said that I did not want to talk to her or discuss OGS with her. I followed up with OGS' mother and she said all is fine and she told DIL to butt out. Son was being very accusatory about this on the phone, acting as if I should have done something, but there was nothing to be done. And mom said don't do anything.
Turns out OGS had called son's home, probably looking for his father, DIL answered, talked to my son, then called me. OGS had his worse night ever after this, the police had to be called. Both mom and staff think DIL triggered him somehow on the phone. OGS told me DIL was angry when he called her. It's really a mess. I explained to my son that I was told he did not want to be bothered so I went to mom and she said dont worry, all is ok, so why would I even speak to DIL about him anyway when he has 2 parents and I appropriately contacted one. OGS also called me that day. I don't think my son knows half of what really happened and I don't think he wants to hear it from me. Our relationship may truly be over because I can't do this anymore. These are serious things, there have been dire consequences and it's toxic.
Also, in my previous thread, I had posted about OGS being released soon and we did not know where we stood, as we were told we were being considered as 'back up'. What happened is DIL went to court and told the judge SHE wanted to be the back up (see how she gets in between OGS and my relationship with him?) but there was a court order saying she could not be alone with him and she asked it be lifted. Mom tentatively agreed as this would enable him to spend more time at my son's house. The judge asked DIL to put it in writing why he should consider this request and submit it to the court. Then she promptly gets herself arrested. Then I get a call from CPS, who is involved with my OGS's placement and discharge saying we are 'back up' again. This is wreaking emotional havoc with me.
Hi livednlearned
It sounds like son wants you to appease DIL, to enable and fix and rescue and solve. You see a different path and that goes against the grain of what your son believes will work.
Story of my life. I was the fixer in my family of origin. Everything was blamed on me. My FOO is highly dysfunctional and I did a lot of work to overcome a lot. They never seemed quite right to me and I took a lot of abuse for being 'different' and not giving into the dysfunctional dynamics, which I now see in my children. I really do think there has to be a genetic component given all the mental illness and addiction in my family. I have been evaluated by several psychiatrists, at my request, because I am kind of vigilant about this and want to know if I am anything like them. The consensus is No and I have PTSD and anxiety disorder from my experiences. The anxiety may be partly genetic, I am told. So, this is very tough for me to deal with it on both ends and as a young woman starting a family all those years ago, thinking 'this will be different'. It's not. It's a nightmare. I can't do it. I promised myself a long time ago that I would never let an abusive maniac run my life again, and here I am.
I have a BPD brother and the first time I set a small firm boundary (hung up the phone when BPD brother began to scream and threaten and swear) and the wrath of my family came down on me like a ton of bricks.
They become convinced they are holding the ship together. They think you are rocking the boat, not understanding you are getting out and into one that will float.I am so sorry you went thru this, I know this way to well and how much it hurts. They all defend each other because if they admit one is wrong, they may have to look at everyone else. My son is doing this, I think. If he looks at her, he is going to have to look at his own part in it and how destructive they have both been.
I am always reaching for that boat the will float, I usually make it in there, but this has been one of the most challenging things of my life and that is saying a lot considering the other things I have survived.
E22 xxxx
