Hello I’m scared in advance

[Sillyusername]

Hello this is my first post. My son is 21 and undiagnosed but my dad had it and my sis does and he’s demonstrating classic symptoms around romantic relationships. Last year he was charged with stalking his ex gf (hacking into social media and texting albeit nothing abusive) but it was thrown out due to the fact she was still sleeping with him and had lied herself. Nevertheless he was obsessed. He soon met another girl who I suspect is BPD too but she’s always breaking up with him and getting back together. Last year he overdosed on cocaine after one fall out and I had to call 999 and he was on coronary care for a week and was told he’d die if he used again. A week late he used again and drove 4 hours calling me telling me he was going to kill himself and he hated me. The police traced his car using his mobile phone signal and he was assessed by a psych who said he could go but needed an urgent psych assessment as an outpatient. She mentioned bpd.. He eventually went for his assessment but they just said it was stress.. he’s done well getting off the coke but he still uses party drugs like MDMA. His behaviour here got so bad throwing things and verbally abusing me that I had to call the police as he always gets in his car saying he’s leaving and I’ll never see him again.. he’s staying with my ex - his dad about a mile away and I see him usually when he wants something.. he’s working though and not using coke so that’s great. And his dad doesn’t tolerate the verbal nonsense so he doesn’t do it..  anyway back to this toxic relationship, They have both cheated on each other before getting close. She’s always getting blind drunk and attacking my son physically and verbally about his cheating but he gets extremely jealous when she goes away. A few weeks ago when she was away for one night he was soo anxious and threatens to damage her car if she cheats. Last weekend she went away for one night 150 miles away and he got a couple of friends in his car (after a few beers too) to follow her. She came back in the car with him and his friend so might not have been unwelcome but she’s going away for a week overseas with her friends and I am soo anxious about how he will cope. She gets blind drunk so his fears are not unfounded but I’m more concerned if he will disappear again and or start using or harm himself.
I feel since I sent him to his dads that he might feel he’s lost my support. I can be a bit codependent as I’m already in a state myself.. I know he’s wondering what’s wrong with him as he’s burst into tears in front of friends saying I think I’m really unwell.
Should I mention bpd and suggest DBT privately? He’s been open to help previously. His self esteem is low as it is and our relationship not great (I admit I’m angry about his behaviour tearing up photos of my late dad and him but he admitted he’s terrified of loss). I really don’t know what to do. I’m scared

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello sillyusername. Welcome to the group. This is a great place to get the kind of information and support you need as the parent of a child with BPD traits. We can all relate to what you are going through as you witness self harming behavior and unstable relationships in your son's life. My son does all of the above and then some. The first step toward coping is your own self care. Many of us see therapists to help with the strain. Is that an option for you? How else might you care for yourself?

[Sillyusername]

Thanks Faith - I have been reading up on codependency and have put my name down for cbt and made an apt with the well-being nurse at my doctor. My son actually appreciates me backing off as he’s much more calm at his dads. I do have a tendency to want to fix others I know

[FaithHopeLove]

It sounds like you have a lot of insight into yourself already. I can relate to what you say about the need to back off sometimes. Our children do have special needs but they are still often able to solve their own problems.