Done Mom back and really DONE

[Parents! Get help here!]

I posted last summer when my daughter wrecked 2 cars in a week. 
I’ve moved her out of my home, then my mother’s home (she is nearly 25 now).  I agreed to see her once or so a week at a neutral space.

Since then she’s wracked up a shoplifting charge (dismissed but l know she did it - it happened while I sat in the car while she went into our local supermarket waiting for her (on one of our meet ups) and a DUI (still pending).

When I refused to pay for her living expenses any longer, she signed onto seeking arrangements and now has found a sugar daddy who is paying her nearly $1000/weekly to see her.  She claims they haven’t had sex yet but I know that is gonna very happen soon.

My very caring husband left me for several months because he couldn’t stand the stress anymore.  It was devastating to me and I started drinking heavily.  He returned once she got her own place to live away from us.  I don’t blame him at all for leaving but it caused a lot of resentment between us that still lingers.  He is struggling with PTSD now due to her constant abuse of mostly me but him too.

This week during our weekly meeting, she wanted me to make “one more stop” after I took her to every place she needed to go.  She tried to jump out of my moving 55 mile an hour car while I was driving her home. I grabbed her sweatshirt and held onto her so she wouldn’t throw herself out of my car.  She fell forward onto her collar and started hyperventilating and then pretended to pass out (I knew she was faking).  Finally she arose from her “passed out” position just as we arrived at her apartment. It was an awful mess and it nearly caused an accident before she gave up.  I knew if I stopped she wouldn’t get back in the car from past experience so I drove on as fast as I could to get her home.  Even then she refused to get out of my car and stole some things from inside it that belonged to me.

Afterward I told her I cannot subject myself to this kind of stress anymore and that I won’t see her for a long while.  I called her father (we are divorced but are friendly and both want the best for her).  I have spent a lot of $$$ trying to get her to the right therapist for years and have pushed DBT therapy.  She says she has “BPD tendencies” without admitting actual BPD although she’s being diagnosed with it by two therapists.

She claims to have: ADD (wants drugs), Kidney problems (won’t take care of herself) plus thousands of my dollars checking it out with a specialist & hospital stays, suicidal thoughts (has been hospitalized against her will for a failed/almost successful attempt), gastrointestinal disorders (many specialist visits - again at great expense to me with no conclusive results), plus many other health problems that I have taken her to doctors for.  Lately she is claiming sciatica. She refuses to take responsibility for any of it - won’t even find herself a general physician to coordinate her healthcare. 

I have chronic pain and take narcotic medications - I am not a drug user and am very careful with my meds.  She has stolen them several times leaving me in great pain.

All I can do now, I feel is to close the door completely.  I’m sad and don’t want this but if I continue to see her either my good marriage will be gone or I will break.

What to do?

[DoneMom]

I posted last summer when my daughter wrecked 2 cars in a week. 
I’ve moved her out of my home, then my mother’s home (she is nearly 25 now).  I agreed to see her once or so a week at a neutral space.

Since then she’s wracked up a shoplifting charge (dismissed but l know she did it - it happened while I sat in the car while she went into our local supermarket waiting for her (on one of our meet ups) and a DUI (still pending).

When I refused to pay for her living expenses any longer, she signed onto seeking arrangements and now has found a sugar daddy who is paying her nearly $1000/weekly to see her.  She claims they haven’t had sex yet but I know that is gonna very happen soon.

My very caring husband left me for several months because he couldn’t stand the stress anymore.  It was devastating to me and I started drinking heavily.  He returned once she got her own place to live away from us.  I don’t blame him at all for leaving but it caused a lot of resentment between us that still lingers.  He is struggling with PTSD now due to her constant abuse of mostly me but him too.

This week during our weekly meeting, she wanted me to make “one more stop” after I took her to every place she needed to go.  She tried to jump out of my moving 55 mile an hour car while I was driving her home. I grabbed her sweatshirt and held onto her so she wouldn’t throw herself out of my car.  She fell forward onto her collar and started hyperventilating and then pretended to pass out (I knew she was faking).  Finally she arose from her “passed out” position just as we arrived at her apartment. It was an awful mess and it nearly caused an accident before she gave up.  I knew if I stopped she wouldn’t get back in the car from past experience so I drove on as fast as I could to get her home.  Even then she refused to get out of my car and stole some things from inside it that belonged to me.

Afterward I told her I cannot subject myself to this kind of stress anymore and that I won’t see her for a long while.  I called her father (we are divorced but are friendly and both want the best for her).  I have spent a lot of $$$ trying to get her to the right therapist for years and have pushed DBT therapy.  She says she has “BPD tendencies” without admitting actual BPD although she’s being diagnosed with it by two therapists.

She claims to have: ADD (wants drugs), Kidney problems (won’t take care of herself) plus thousands of my dollars checking it out with a specialist & hospital stays, suicidal thoughts (has been hospitalized against her will for a failed/almost successful attempt), gastrointestinal disorders (many specialist visits - again at great expense to me with no conclusive results), plus many other health problems that I have taken her to doctors for.  Lately she is claiming sciatica. She refuses to take responsibility for any of it - won’t even find herself a general physician to coordinate her healthcare. 

I have chronic pain and take narcotic medications - I am not a drug user and am very careful with my meds.  She has stolen them several times leaving me in great pain.

All I can do now, I feel is to close the door completely.  I’m sad and don’t want this but if I continue to see her either my good marriage will be gone or I will break.

What to do?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

Taking a break is perfectly reasonable when someone is abusive toward you. Our feelings about that can become so complex because the human heart is in conflict with itself: we love and care for the people but we despise the illness.

How about rephrasing the way you are looking at this potential break? “Being in a loving relationship with you requires special skills that I don’t have yet. I’m going to work on that. I’m going to take time to figure out what I need to do better and that may take some time.”

In your words.

It takes tremendous strength to not be emotionally injured Ina BPD relationship and you are running on fumes. It’s ok to regroup and rebuild strength, allowing yourself an indefinite amount of time to feel healthy and learn effective ways to protect yourself.

I’m glad no one was hurt during the car ride. At the very least, she seems unable to ride Ina car with you and be safe.

[FaithHopeLove]

As usual livedandlearned gives great advice. You are doing the right thing by taking a step back to focus on your own needs. Self care always comes first. Many of us also see our own therapists. Is that an option for you? What else do you think would help you care for yourself?

[DoneMom]

I saw a therapist for myself for awhile.  She was very good - she had direct experience with a BPD mother herself.  I could go back to see her - but feel I’ve gotten everything I could from therapy for myself...plus I’ve read all of the books and done the work I can to cope.

My daughter has been silent communication-wise now since the incident on Monday.  I haven’t felt such relief in a very long time...I worry about her but at this point I just need some distance. 

I talked to her father and put him on high alert, telling him I cannot do this emotional heavy lifting anymore.  She is going to his house for dinner on Sunday and he promised a call to me afterwards.  He knows I have told the truth and he knows about her tendency to lie.

I will NEVER forget this incident and it was traumatic for me. She refused to buckle in and opened the car door and I had to grab her by the sweatshirt she was wearing to stop her from jumping out while she was screaming “I SWEAR TO GOD ON MY LIFE I WILL JUMP OUT IF YOU DON’T STOP”.  She did the same kind of thing to her ex boyfriend and actually did jump out into a ditch at low speed. 

All I could think of was to hold on to her with my right hand and drive on to her apartment so that I could get her home with her groceries and then to leave.  She of course made that very hard.  She at first refused to get out, then claimed to have “lost her phone” in my car.  She wouldn’t unload her groceries (making me do that in several trips).  Once that was done, I called her cell and it rang so she could retrieve it from between the front seats.

She fears abandonment above all and I had to abandon her at that point for my own sake.  I just couldn’t do it anymore. 

The week before she also pushed my buttons and threatened me with “walking home in the rain” because I wouldn’t take her to the second hand shop to buy a coffee table.

My husband (her stepfather) is traumatized also.  He has been very good to her but she has been abusive to him since the time he entered our lives - 2010.  She physically attacked him at one point and he now suffers PTSD.  He contributed over $100,000 to her care in our time together.

I am done, I really can do no more.  I would love to see her get help but when she won’t even acknowledge there’s a problem - what else can I do?

She’s a beautiful young woman and there are so many men who want to be with her.  She’s found a “sugar daddy” now who is paying her $1000/week to go on dates with him.  She only shows him her good side...

I know my situation is common here but at this point, my husband and I are taking care of my elderly sick mother and that’s enough - we can do no more for her.

Thus, DONE!

[FaithHopeLove]

I don't blame you for feeling done. I often feel the same way about my son. I love him but I can't take the drama. Give yourself space and time.

[DoneMom]

Thanks for your response faith, hope, Love.  I’m in awe of the sadness and hurt that parents here have suffered and endured. 

You’ve been a kind person in my time of immediate panic and trauma and I thank you for your kind words and insight.

Best to you,

.Dmom

[DoneMom]

Thanks also to you livedandlearned.  The support and wisdom I find here is a godsend!

[DoneMom]

Waiting on tinder hooks to hear from my ex husband (her father) to see how it went tonight.  She was supposed to go there tonight to his house for dinner.  I talked to him last week about her absolutely crazy and concerning behavior on Monday.  He promised a call either tonight or tomorrow after seeing her.

She probably won’t tell him the truth about what went down but he knows from our conversation what the true situation was. 

I am very anxious to hear from him.

Ultimately, I would like to see her move back in with him and his new wife (she is a sweetheart who is very loving towards my daughter).  My ex has gotten himself together and has a steady job now and could be a good father and influence.  If she lives with him, she won’t need her sugar daddy to provide $$ and could go to school full time.  That would be a giant step forward for her.

She cannot live with me and my husband again, nor with my elderly mother.  We tried both options in 2018-19 and it didn’t work out well for any of us.

Keeping my fingers crossed...

[DoneMom]

I talked to my dd24’s dad today and he told me that after discussing the situation with his new wife, they decided that they would prompt dd to talk about what happened last Monday but wouldn’t reveal that he and I had talked.

She went to their house for a scheduled dinner last night and when he asked “How are things going with your Mom?” - she brushed it off with “Fine” and told them nothing about the craziness of last Monday.  He also said he reminded her of the many things she has to do before her DUI court date of 3/5.

She overdrank at dinner and ended up spending the night there with them. He said he is concerned about how fast she downed 4 beers.

She tried calling me about 10 minutes ago and I didn’t pick up.  She then texted me apologizing for last week and saying that “you did nothing wrong - it was all my fault and I am so sorry”.  I texted back and sent her my own version of livedandlearn’s advice above.  I asked for time and space.

Her best pal/now downstairs neighbor wants to possibly purchase my mother’s car so she texted me about that and I am just gonna text her back to have her friend call me directly.

Hubby and I spent 5 hours in the ER with my elderly mother yesterday.  She fell and hurt her hand badly.  It turned out to be just a giant bruise (egg sized!) but had to be looked at.

I’m going to lay low - can’t deal with the drama right now!

Thanks to all for the advice and support!  It’s been extremely helpful.

Dmom

[Elizabeth22]

Hi DoneMom   

I am so sorry you have been through all of this. I was tensing up just reading it. We have our own issues with our uBPD DIL.

I think sometimes we think its so counterintuitive to not even want contact with our own child, that we may feel like we need permission to do that.

My husband and I got to our very limits and both our therapists gave us 'permission' to go no contact. They suggested it. Even if it's forever. It's ok.

You are not a bad person or bad mother if you cannot deal with this extreme and destructive behavior.

E22   

[DoneMom]

Thanks Elizabeth - I am happy to hear from you.

Dd24 tried calling today and then texted me when I wouldn’t pick up.  She’s apologizing for her behavior and wants to “talk”.  Been there, done that - her apologies mean nothing. They are words to get back in.  I texted back and told her I need some time - at least till the end of this month...which I really do. 

It feels like I am losing my mind right now.

While I am done with her manipulative behavior, I will never be “done” loving her...she’s my only child and I truly want the best for her...

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders