My daughter won’t accept my partner of 10 years

[Davysgurl]

My former husband (who in retrospect I’m pretty certain suffered from BPD) died unexpectedly over 12 years ago and our then-23  year old daughter struggled for years to accept that loss. Complicating my grief process was my discovery soon after his death that he was a sex addict before and throughout our 25 year marriage; I worked thru the rage and grief with the help of a therapist.  I told our daughter of her father’s secret life after I had come to grips with it and began dating a wonderful man who I married after 7 years. She freaked out immediately upon hearing I had gone out on a date two years after her father’s death. I worried about her mental state at that time. She has acted as though my now-husband is the enemy ever since and has treated him like a second hand citizen and not a member of the family, more like an annoyance. She moved across the county 6 years ago and with the distance came my realization of just how much I’ve done over the years to accommodate her swirling moods, demands and expectations. My therapist suggested a few years ago that she may be BPD but I was in denial. She made her annual visit to our home last fall and it ended with her SCREAMING in my husband’s face that she hated him, always had and wanted to beat the PLEASE READ out of him.  She told me afterwards that he had provoked her the entire visit, made her fee unwelcome in her childhood home, etc. of course the opposite was true.  Now I’m working to accept her BPD by reading various books and talking with my therapist. It’s both heartbreaking and liberating to finally understand accept that she will not change her behavior and that she is psychologically wired to be the way she is. That is the part I am struggling with the most - how to feel compassion and understanding and live for her when she has caused so much pain for the family.   Thank you.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[zachira]

My heart goes out to you wanting to have compassion and understanding with your daughter who has caused you so much pain and frustration and who you think may have BPD like her father. I was raised by a mother with BPD and my two surviving siblings have BPD. Though our situations are quite different, I feel we have some common ground in having to deal with the heartbreak of family members with BPD, wanting to have compassion and understanding for them, while dealing with all their misdirected anger and inappropriate behaviors. What has worked the best for me, is establishing healthier firmer boundaries with my family members with BPD, while limiting the amount of time I spend with them. I am accepting that my family members with BPD are unlikely to change, and I know that it is hard for a mother to hear this, when you love your daughter and only want the best life for her.

[Done-er Stepdad]

As per my posting name, I'm on the other side of this.

After a decade of my wife's child's abuse (including physical assault), I developed PTSD from being stuck in that intractable situation. I'm getting better, but part of that solution is complete avoidance of her. If I'm semi-trapped with her, say at a Christmas family get together, I map out a minimal contact strategy.

I even watch what I say around her cousins, lest some Facebook gossip get back to her. Our relationship probably won't ever get any better, no matter how diplomatic I attempt to be. It galls me to walk on such eggshells, but I do so in deference to my wife's volatile and thankless situation.

In my own miserable deal, it's all about controlling and punishing my wife for made up in the BPD shower imaginary crimes that can never be resolved. My natural impulse is to defend my wife, but studied neutrality is in her best (and everyone's) best interest.

[evil stepmother]

Your story hurts my heart and is so familiar.  I am posting hoping to save you some time.
Your daughter will never accept your "new" husband.  I say this as a stepmom who after 26 years is still not accepted by my husband's BPD son (ss is 36 years old).  (Neither is his mom, but I am the worst of the two evils).  I SO wish I had could have accepted this fact decades ago; it would have made my marriage happier and my pain less.
This year I decided to change my behavior since the ss's wasn't:  I decided to stop hoping, praying, begging, wishing, etc., that he was going to like/love/accept me.  I decided to accept that that was never going to happen.  This may sound negative or defeatist; it is not.  I just decided to accept this "fact" and move on.  It is sad and difficult, but it has also freed my husband and me from a huge burden. 
In response, my husband was able to accept this, too, and has told his son, "no more drama."  He has not allowed him in our home since a horrible incident a year ago Christmas.  They meet elsewhere or not at all, but not in my home or my presence. 

In my opinion, you can support your daughter with boundaries so that you can also support your husband and your marriage.  One boundary might be that she is no longer allowed to abuse your husband.  In our case, that had to include not coming to our home, which is usually where drama happened.  I don't know if that would work for you?  You could still see her away from the home, or if she believes she has to physically be in the home, it can be when your husband is away. 

I do not know what the future will bring but for now, no more drama has helped our marriage and allowed us to heal together, little by little.  My ss is doing well and has not pushed the issue more than his father can handle.

I am thinking of you and your husband.  Take really good care of each other.