Why not let go?

[Haddock]

Mod note: This post was split from the following thread: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=342786.0

Hello together and greets from germany,

i am very lucky to found this forum a while ago as it helped me a lot to "survive"

I wrote my my first post today "call from my exgf"

After reading almost all threads it is amazing how many actions, reactions, behaviors of non BPD and uBPD are the same. All these push pulls, outbursts, range, doublestandards, all this abuse and hate what we receive, emotional and sometimes psychical, love withdrawal, to take, to hear that it is always our fault, and the list goes on and on...

On the other side "us" - caring, loyal, totally in love, willing to make sacrifices, to learn, to understand, to listen,
to change, to give up ourself, to obey, to give, to forgive, and the list goes on and on, all to please the women we love.

And what we receive? If lucky a few days in heaven, but knowing every second it can turn into hell again, because we do something "wrong" again. My T asked me if i would like to have a relationship like this for the rest of my life, and without hestitate i said no.  But i still hanging on.

Today i read for hours threads about BPD, and reading all the similar storys i got some distance, and thought about what is wrong with "us" - please this is not an offence against anyone, i include myself also. Why are we doing this? This is not healthy, and unlikely the situation will never change. May be when our loved ones will go into therapy, but this will be a long road also...

So why hanging in, why not let go? Even writing these questions and having this idea make me fight with my tears again. The idea to never hold her in my arms again, to make never love with her again, never see again how she looked at me when she was happy with me, and many other things, is literally killing me. It is the most worse feeling i ever experienced.

I saw my ex tuesday last week, we had a good time. Hug, kiss , and many things more. She told me how much  she loved me. After almost four years staying together, our relationship was not good anymore, long devaluation phase, and idealization becoming shorter and shorter. But i try hard to please her. What i not knew at this moment, she met some new guy beginning this year already, not sure online or face to face. This guy live in a country around 5000 km away, and he invited her, and she flew last friday to him and will stay three weeks. This is not someting what she made impulsive, she had to apply for a visa, which take 2 or 3 weeks, and she had also to manged her holiday schedule. So this was long planed already, but not telling me one word about this. So i lie in bed with her, having sex with her, hearing she asked me if i still love her, and at the same time, she had planded to leave soon.  

This was my greatest fear, reading so many storys, and knewing that one day she will find a new replacement.
I told myself so many times "go out" before this will happen, knowing this will be the worst case. But nope, i stuck to it. And now i have it. No more way back, ever again. My heart is not broken, it is gone.
But that is of course not all, i managed to call her today, feeling betrayed and abandoned. But guess what, i was soft and lovely to her, understanding, and had to listen for 30 minutes that everthing is my fault.

From my own experience i can only suggest to everyone to get out of this madness before it destroys you complete.

[Cat Familiar]

Why do people stay in these troubling relationships? It’s because of intermittent reinforcement, the same reason that people continue to play slot machines, despite a far greater percentage of losses than wins. It’s that one small win that keeps them coming back for more, until they run out of money.

However what complicates relationships with people with BPD is the likelihood that the partner without it might have had a family member with BPD or NPD and is more tolerant of behavior that would drive someone else away quickly.

Also many people in these types of relationships either start with diminished self esteem or lose some of their self esteem by being the frequent recipient of unkind and abusive behavior.

In addition, having financial commitments or children together can keep people tied to difficult partners that they might otherwise want to leave.

What specifically has kept you tied to this relationship?