Hello and thank you for your thoughtful and helpful responses!
zachira - You put into words something that I had not yet found words for, which is that this does feel like a tragedy to me. In a way I am grieving the possibility of having the relationship that, while it sometimes has seemed possible, has never quite been what I thought it could be. On the other hand, as I type this, I realize that accepting the reality in front of me may also mean I have the opportunity to craft a new relationship with my sister - a relationship based on honesty.
I have started going low contact, or at least less contact, and I too have shared less about my life with her over the years as I noticed that she seemed to be using that information to cause pain to me and, probably more frequently, herself. "Comparison is the thief of joy," I have told her many times. I feel kind of guilty being "secretive" about myself but it seems to be the best way about certain things.
Panda39 - I greatly appreciate your thoughtful post. I have been reading around this site, and also the
Walking on Eggshells book. Anyway the posts you provided gave me a lot to think about. In fact I talked to my husband today about one of my main fears: that next time I see my sister she will "rage" again and I won't know what to do. He helped me see that I keep assuming "
if I only handle it perfectly, I can solve/fix my sister." Of course stated out loud I see that sounds ridiculous, but I think that since I did a lot of the parenting of my sister growing up, I got a lot of implicit and explicit messages from my parents that I am responsible for how she behaves/her moods/her wellbeing. Of course I cannot control her, and this is a
boundary I need to establish internally, in my mind - surrendering the illusion of control over her (or anybody else).
You asked me:
What kinds of things are you getting sucked into regarding your parents/sister?
Well - I think what I mentioned is the crux of it - a long time ago (back as far as our childhoods, even?) my role in the family sort of became "the therapist." My parents really do not ever talk about their feelings, good or bad. So, when someone - usually my sister - was having a hard time, I would maybe be the only person in the family she would talk to about how she was doing. Because of that, and because I'm also older and did a lot of her childrearing, I guess I have always assumed her [state of being?] is my responsibility.
I see reading through here I have already established some boundaries, but my inconsistency in enforcing them has rendered them not very meaningful. For example, I will not stay in the same house as her. Last time I visited family (we all met at a location in between where she and my parents live) I I failed at enforcing that boundary by allowing her to stay with me at the AirBnB I rented for myself. This was because she and my parents chose to stay together at another AirBnB (because "they are all so poor" and "this is all they can afford"), and of course she and my parents always end up in conflict, so she "escaped" to my AirBnB. The family "vacations" (I use this term in the loosest sense of the word! haha! they are not relaxing!) are I think a high-pressure point and she tends to always have some kind of problem or another.
Anyway I see that I am trying with that
boundary, and in fact have already told my parents that I will not be staying in the same house as my sister this summer. I am going to work on:
articulating my boundary clearly to myself and others, and then, you know,
actually enforcing it!
Last weekend I told my parents that, although we had all talked about going somewhere together this summer for their 50th Wedding Anniversary, I think we should just stay in the town where they live. I can rent myself (and maybe my husband) an Air Bnb for those days when my sister (and maybe her bf) come into town, and I can stay at their house for a few days before or after her part of the trip. I said that I thought this would be the easiest and most "low-fuss" way to do it. They said their priority is spending the time with family, not necessarily any particular trip or destination. I know this sounds like a really basic discussion but I see now that I was maybe making
another boundary: I will not participate in over-planning an event that will likely lead to a blow-up. And, again, I will not stay in the same house (rented somewhere else or the actual house where my parents live) if my sister is actually staying there.
I emphasized to my parents that this wasn't about my sister being "the bad guy" - I am very tired of the dynamic of me being "the good girl" and my sister being "the bad girl." I read somewhere on this site about (maybe it was called family systems?) and the "golden child" and "scapegoat" roles really resonated with me. I see now that my angst over my parents choosing not to move closer to me is because, even though I chafe against the "good girl/golden child" role, at some level my parents are still asking me to play that role - but for there to be a "good" girl there needs to be a "bad" girl and I actually don't think my sister is that bad girl! Especially now that I understand she has had this pretty serious mental illness for literally her entire adult life (she is 36 now) - she's done remarkably well considering! And I see that she is hard at work right now in therapy with a therapist and a group (DBT, Dialectical Behavioral Therapy).
Okay this got really long so I will stop typing, but thanks so much to both of you for your replies. I love reading on this site and books - I like having a theoretical framework to help understand my experiences. I am so impressed with your empathy, kindness, thoughtfulness, and helpfulness
zachira and
Panda39.