I feel bad for her when she loses control and attacks me

[jaded7]

This post was split off from another thread, as it deserves its own thread

Amazing how she knows what will get to me and what things will end up making me feel badly.  Yet I STILL want to help HER apparent suffering.  I still believe she doesn't mean it or intend it and she's just trying to get her needs met

This is my dilemma exactly. I feel BAD for her when she loses control and attacks me, as in nobody would act this way if they are well. She actually acts and reasons like a 5 year old- no logic gets in, the 'argument' is completely all over the place as I can't even finish a simple sentence before it gets cut off and another accusation or another gaslight comes in from that or something unrelated.

And yes, the cruel and hurtful attacks on the things most dear to me...she will even engineer circumstances to make me look like I did something wrong, then use that to attack me.

But more to the point, I believe it's my codependency that make me want to help her, or maybe my care taking personality, which are related. I'm 4 weeks no contact right now and still feeling horrible about how it might be hurting HER. She, in this time, hasn't tried to contact me and our last conversation was her verbally abusing me and belittling me and yelling as I tried to calm her down. And I'm sitting her feeling bad for her.

I feel like my love for her can heal her, let her see that I would do anything for her, let her let her guard down and just be vulnerable.

[formflier]

There are some interesting ways to look at motivation.

Think about  the likelihood of future attacks based on what you do on the "current attack".

If your pwBPD "gets something" from the attack, are they more or less likely to attack again?

If your pwBPD wanted to "get something" from the attack, but wasn't able to get it, what do you think they will do next time?

For the sake of argument, let's take your 5 year old logic as "fact".  If there is an incentive to "mature" and think more like a grown up, what do you think will happen?

If there is no incentive or perhaps thinking like a 5 year old "gets them what they want", then...what are the chances of "growing up"?

Once you get these ideas thought through, then it's time to figure out "how" to accomplish the big picture goal.

Best,

FF

[jaded7]

There are some interesting ways to look at motivation.

Think about  the likelihood of future attacks based on what you do on the "current attack".

If your pwBPD "gets something" from the attack, are they more or less likely to attack again?     The answer is most definitely yes here.

If your pwBPD wanted to "get something" from the attack, but wasn't able to get it, what do you think they will do next time?   Ramp it up? That's been my experience, although learning theory would suggest trying a different approach would be better.

For the sake of argument, let's take your 5 year old logic as "fact".  If there is an incentive to "mature" and think more like a grown up, what do you think will happen? Most certainly, if they are capable, they will not explode, rage and name call and interrupt and yell.

If there is no incentive or perhaps thinking like a 5 year old "gets them what they want", then...what are the chances of "growing up"?  None.  But what do they want? Do they want to control someone and yell and them and gaslight them? Because if that's what she wants, then it isn't working for her. I've now checked out for 4 weeks because I decided I needed to go no contact to save my mental health. Which hasn't really worked, by the way, but that's another thread. But it's a good question...what does she WANT?

Once you get these ideas thought through, then it's time to figure out "how" to accomplish the big picture goal.

I AM beating myself up A LOT for not knowing the techniques here for dealing with bpd-like rages and accusations and verbal abuse. I did JADE a lot because I thought we certainly are both rational people, and she can not possibly believe what she's saying is accurate or true, therefore if I just explain it a little better, bring in some undeniable facts about the situation, she'll see there's no reason to be so upset. See Patricia Evans' The Verbally Abusive Relationship to see what a bad approach this is. This never worked as the accusations became more from left field and she got more angry. And I can assure you, I never raised my voice, yelled, cursed or called her names...always very calm, sometimes frustrated in my voice, but calm. At least I don't have that to feel bad about.

But, now knowing that I did exactly the wrong thing has me feeling like sh*t, thus my post above that you separated off. I thought what she might want to is to feel better about something or not think I'm a bad person, so I'd explain things to her, tell her about what my intentions were, correct facts so she could feel better. Bad idea.

I now recognize that perhaps she was feeling abandoned or uncertain about our relationship and it came out as anger and attacks and verbal abuse.

I do care about her deeply.

Best,

FF

[Cat Familiar]

Please be kind to yourself and avail yourself of our library. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=36.0

There’s much to learn in communicating with a partner with BPD. Think of it as learning a new language. It isn’t something that you will become fluent in overnight.

Now that you’re no contact, you can use this time to become more familiar with the tools we teach here. And you can decide what you’d like your relationship to look like.

[jaded7]

Please be kind to yourself and avail yourself of our library. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=36.0

There’s much to learn in communicating with a partner with BPD. Think of it as learning a new language. It isn’t something that you will become fluent in overnight.

Now that you’re no contact, you can use this time to become more familiar with the tools we teach here. And you can decide what you’d like your relationship to look like.

Thank you Cat Familiar. I will read through this thread, I wasn't aware of it before. I'm afraid our relationship is probably over, which makes me so sad. I'm working on just feeling better about myself now and not reaching out to her, I'm scared to.