What’s going on with my wife?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Dear friends,

I am Jeff and I met my wife in 2010. I was at that time 23 years old and she was 18 years old. We were very young and naive.

She was really crazy about me. I met her at work and it felt really good to be honest. From her side there was a explosion of love. But also very jealous you know. At that time I was thinking that it was normal that a woman would be jealous. It was a sign for me that her love was unconditional.

Ok. In 2012 we married. It was a beautiful wedding with our friends and loved ones. Our marriage was beautiful. We had sometimes on and off fight what is normal in a regular relationship. At the end of 2015 we had a son. It was a conformation of our love. My wife was then 22 years old.
The birth of our son was truly a blessing. It was for us a boy that came right from heaven. Even after the birth it went good for a while.

But at the beginning of 2017 i was working. And she told me to come home. I asked her why? I am working, what’s going on? She told me I have to talk to you right away. I picked my bag to go home and she told me: I don’t want the marriage anymore. It was a complete surprise. It was like what’s going on? It didn’t make any sense at all!

I told her that I was going to do some grocery’s and come back in a couple of minutes. I took my boy with me. When I came back she was gone. Called her and she told me I am with a friend. I said why? She told me I need time and space. Ok. The next day she came home like nothing happened. We had intensive sex and everything was ok.


I think around April/may 2017 she told me again the relationship is not working. I told her why? She just couldn’t answer the question. Then she told her mom that I was to sweet and the other time she told her mother that I was to hard to her. It was clear she was looking for excuses and reasons to discard me. But we kept on till September 2017.

That day I was done. Everyday she told me that she did not want the relationship. But what was very very very strange every time she was looking for comfort and love. It just didn’t make any sense for me. But i was tired. Tired of the push and pull games. So I told her: what do you want? She told me right in the face: I don’t love you anymore, without any tears or emotions. Ok no problem. I packed my bags and moved to a friend.

From that day I was very hard with her. She wasn’t my priority anymore. She was just some girl. I only went to her to take my boy and bring him back in the evening. But I did not communicate with her. She told me very clearly that she was going to fill for divorce I told her ok.

So we went to a lawyer to arrange the divorce and go on with our lives. When the lawyer told us to come inside i noticed there was something wrong with her. She wasn’t talking and was very quiet. So I was talking to her to speak up and then she exploded. She was crying and crying like never before. So the lawyer told us to come back another time when was more relaxed.

I stood and walked away and went to my friend’s home. A couple days later she called me and begged me to come and talk. I went to her house and when I came at home she was devastated. She was a emotional wreck. She was crying like never before for maybe one hour. She told me she loved me very much and that she could not imagine that I lived with somebody else. Ok. Still no clue what’s going on with this woman. So little by little i went back to my family. I think in February 2018 I moved back permanently.

2018 was a good year. We went on holiday to Egypt and one time with our son to Spain. And then it came: it was 2 January 2019 and out of the blue: I don’t want the relationship anymore I want to divorce. I made a choice to stay home. I wasn’t going anywhere!

I told her then are you positive about the divorce? Yeah 100% positive. Ok so you’re ok if I date with other women? Yeah no problem. So I met a girl on the internet. I really dated with her. So one day I was at work and looking for my cellphone. I found out I left it at home and she was also there. So I finished work and went home. I opened the door and she was standing in front of me. She showed me my cellphone and said to me: who is this girl?

And then it happened: she went crazy like hell yelling and trying to beat me. When I taught it was over she grabbed a knife. When i saw the knife a closed the door and went outside. Luckily my boy was with my mom so he didn’t see the scene. I went to my car and drove a little while. I think almost a hour to process what happened. Then picked my boy at my moms house and went to my house.

It was dark. Nobody there. Called her couple of times but she refused to pick up the damn phone. She left me and our son for almost a week. I didn’t have any clue where she was or could be. I asked her mother who also didn’t know where she was. After 5 days a friend of her called me up. Saying that my wife is a wreck and she loves me and didn’t eat and sleep the last days.

The sixth day she knocked and I opened the door. Like the first time after she discarded me, nothing happened. No emotion, no talking about what happened that day. She was only concentrating about what I did wrong talking with that girl. So still no clue what’s going on with my wife. It was February 2019 at that time.

From February 2019 till November it went ok. And again you will guess out of the blue she told me: you don’t make me happy. A week ago we were planning to make a trip to Thailand and making plans for the future and now you’re telling me you’re unhappy with me? Unbelievable!

She told me she wanted to divorce. We  tried in November but had a argue and since then she didn’t take any action to fill. She’s telling everyone she wants to divorce but isn’t taking any action. Why? It is still a mystery. For me it’s very clear: if you don’t want to be with someone you will fill for divorce. But she is doing the opposite. You all understand? She’s doing nothing to fill!

I moved on with my life and 3 weeks ago I filled for divorce. She will receive the letter very soon. I only see her when I pick up my son. When she’s texting or emailing me she has big mouth. But when I am standing in front of her she is quiet and can’t look me in the eye. She’s avoiding it. I really don’t understand her behavior. You’re done with me so why are you behaving like this?

Can you guys tell me what’s going on with her? What can I do? To be honest I don’t want the divorce. But she has to get a signal that I want to move on. What y’all thinking?


Sorry for my English you guys, I am from Germany, yeah the real Germany.

Regards,

Jeff

[Jeff-28]

Dear friends,

I am Jeff and I met my wife in 2010. I was at that time 23 years old and she was 18 years old. We were very young and naive.

She was really crazy about me. I met her at work and it felt really good to be honest. From her side there was a explosion of love. But also very jealous you know. At that time I was thinking that it was normal that a woman would be jealous. It was a sign for me that her love was unconditional.

Ok. In 2012 we married. It was a beautiful wedding with our friends and loved ones. Our marriage was beautiful. We had sometimes on and off fight what is normal in a regular relationship. At the end of 2015 we had a son. It was a conformation of our love. My wife was then 22 years old.
The birth of our son was truly a blessing. It was for us a boy that came right from heaven. Even after the birth it went good for a while.

But at the beginning of 2017 i was working. And she told me to come home. I asked her why? I am working, what’s going on? She told me I have to talk to you right away. I picked my bag to go home and she told me: I don’t want the marriage anymore. It was a complete surprise. It was like what’s going on? It didn’t make any sense at all!

I told her that I was going to do some grocery’s and come back in a couple of minutes. I took my boy with me. When I came back she was gone. Called her and she told me I am with a friend. I said why? She told me I need time and space. Ok. The next day she came home like nothing happened. We had intensive sex and everything was ok.


I think around April/may 2017 she told me again the relationship is not working. I told her why? She just couldn’t answer the question. Then she told her mom that I was to sweet and the other time she told her mother that I was to hard to her. It was clear she was looking for excuses and reasons to discard me. But we kept on till September 2017.

That day I was done. Everyday she told me that she did not want the relationship. But what was very very very strange every time she was looking for comfort and love. It just didn’t make any sense for me. But i was tired. Tired of the push and pull games. So I told her: what do you want? She told me right in the face: I don’t love you anymore, without any tears or emotions. Ok no problem. I packed my bags and moved to a friend.

From that day I was very hard with her. She wasn’t my priority anymore. She was just some girl. I only went to her to take my boy and bring him back in the evening. But I did not communicate with her. She told me very clearly that she was going to fill for divorce I told her ok.

So we went to a lawyer to arrange the divorce and go on with our lives. When the lawyer told us to come inside i noticed there was something wrong with her. She wasn’t talking and was very quiet. So I was talking to her to speak up and then she exploded. She was crying and crying like never before. So the lawyer told us to come back another time when was more relaxed.

I stood and walked away and went to my friend’s home. A couple days later she called me and begged me to come and talk. I went to her house and when I came at home she was devastated. She was a emotional wreck. She was crying like never before for maybe one hour. She told me she loved me very much and that she could not imagine that I lived with somebody else. Ok. Still no clue what’s going on with this woman. So little by little i went back to my family. I think in February 2018 I moved back permanently.

2018 was a good year. We went on holiday to Egypt and one time with our son to Spain. And then it came: it was 2 January 2019 and out of the blue: I don’t want the relationship anymore I want to divorce. I made a choice to stay home. I wasn’t going anywhere!

I told her then are you positive about the divorce? Yeah 100% positive. Ok so you’re ok if I date with other women? Yeah no problem. So I met a girl on the internet. I really dated with her. So one day I was at work and looking for my cellphone. I found out I left it at home and she was also there. So I finished work and went home. I opened the door and she was standing in front of me. She showed me my cellphone and said to me: who is this girl?

And then it happened: she went crazy like hell yelling and trying to beat me. When I taught it was over she grabbed a knife. When i saw the knife a closed the door and went outside. Luckily my boy was with my mom so he didn’t see the scene. I went to my car and drove a little while. I think almost a hour to process what happened. Then picked my boy at my moms house and went to my house.

It was dark. Nobody there. Called her couple of times but she refused to pick up the damn phone. She left me and our son for almost a week. I didn’t have any clue where she was or could be. I asked her mother who also didn’t know where she was. After 5 days a friend of her called me up. Saying that my wife is a wreck and she loves me and didn’t eat and sleep the last days.

The sixth day she knocked and I opened the door. Like the first time after she discarded me, nothing happened. No emotion, no talking about what happened that day. She was only concentrating about what I did wrong talking with that girl. So still no clue what’s going on with my wife. It was February 2019 at that time.

From February 2019 till November it went ok. And again you will guess out of the blue she told me: you don’t make me happy. A week ago we were planning to make a trip to Thailand and making plans for the future and now you’re telling me you’re unhappy with me? Unbelievable!

She told me she wanted to divorce. We  tried in November but had a argue and since then she didn’t take any action to fill. She’s telling everyone she wants to divorce but isn’t taking any action. Why? It is still a mystery. For me it’s very clear: if you don’t want to be with someone you will fill for divorce. But she is doing the opposite. You all understand? She’s doing nothing to fill!

I moved on with my life and 3 weeks ago I filled for divorce. She will receive the letter very soon. I only see her when I pick up my son. When she’s texting or emailing me she has big mouth. But when I am standing in front of her she is quiet and can’t look me in the eye. She’s avoiding it. I really don’t understand her behavior. You’re done with me so why are you behaving like this?

Can you guys tell me what’s going on with her? What can I do? To be honest I don’t want the divorce. But she has to get a signal that I want to move on. What y’all thinking?


Sorry for my English you guys, I am from Germany, yeah the real Germany.

Regards,

Jeff

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

hi Jeff, and

Can you guys tell me what’s going on with her? What can I do?

its very difficult to say.

it doesnt sound like your wife has been clear at all in her reasoning.

and her reasoning may not be any clearer to her than it is to you.

BPD is a very difficult disorder, the likes of which they make support groups for.

im not sure that filing divorce as a means of sending a signal, if it isnt something you want, is the best move. it may be more likely to escalate the situation, than anything.

and the tricky thing is, her threats of divorce may be the same thing: sending signals. tricky because its not clear what signals shes trying to send.

the most that we know is that shes unhappy. do you have any guesses as to why?

When she’s texting or emailing me she has big mouth.

what does she say?

do you want to save the relationship? do you think its salvageable?

[Jeff-28]

Hi Once removed,

Thank you for you’re response

The be honest she isn’t happy with herself, I guess. Bcs every time she discards me it’s the same story: I am not happy with you, I don’t love you anymore. She can’t tell me the exact reason why’s she’s unhappy with me.

But what she did is blaming me for not finishing her master degree. Stuff like that you know? And she knows damn well that I supported her all the way for 100% but still I’m the reason she stopped and quiet her master degree.

In the email she’s saying that we have to arrange the divorce and that I’m doing nothing to arrange it. I don’t know if she’s testing me but it’s very clear she wants to divorce but there’s no action from her side. You understand? It doesn’t match! And even more if I pick up my boy she can’t talk with me and look me in the face it’s impossible. Even if i say; how are you? She tells me I am ok but she looks down or a other direction.

Yeah I would like to save the relationship now I know what’s wrong with her. But she discarded me 3 times now. That’s the whole problem. I don’t want to reach out and I am on no contact with her ever since. Only communication that I have with her is the picking and bringing times.

I am positive if she knows what’s going on with her and she’s willing to get the proper treatment the marriage can be saved absolutely. But i also know she’s someone who can hide her emotions and act like nothing is wrong with her. So it’s very difficult to answer the question if it’s salvageable or not.

Thanks again for you’re quick response

[Jeff-28]

Dear friends,

I Forget to mention that we tried to solve our problems with mediation counsel, but unfortunately we failed. It is impossible find a solution with her.

What’s very remarkable in our situation is that she wants me to divorce her. She’s doing nothing at all and yet she is the one who wants to divorce and doesn’t love me anymore bla bla. Does this sounds familiar to you guys?

I filled for divorce and she received a letter from my lawyer and texted me:  FINALLY i received the divorce letter.! What do you mean finally? You didn’t fill for 4 months and you’re saying FINALLY? Seriously don’t know what’s wrong with this woman.

Does any one have some idea? Or are there people who have comparable partners like I have?

Please let me know and share you’re taught.

[momtara]

I am sorry you are dealing with this.
It does sound like she has bpd. She may love you and you may love her, but it is a very difficult disorder.
It might help you to talk to a therapist and slowly set some boundaries. Also keep watchful of her, especially if she has picked up a knife. Watch over your boy when you can.
Good luck with everything.

[Jeff-28]

Hi momtara,

Thank you.

Yeah I’m seeing a therapist as we speak.It’s very hard to correspondence with this woman so I have to set some boundaries. My therapist is standing with me and helps me to stay strong and stable.

Last I had a argument with her on facetime that she doesn’t trust the women I talk with. She also said: I don’t trust my boy with your girlfriends and you’re future spouse/girlfriends.

From that moment on I knew she’s fighting with herself. From my point of view I don’t think my wife is realizing what she’s saying and doing. On one hand she’s saying divorce me, on the other hand she doesn’t trust the women I talk with. That doesn’t make any sense to me at all!

And the funniest part is I don’t talk with any one.  Maybe she’s believing it because I don’t chase her and ignoring her. But I don’t speak with any woman at this moment. The whole situation is very exhausting and frustrating but I have to stay strong.

Anyone else with a similar situation like me?

Thank you guys.

[Dungahass]

Hey Jeff,

My situation is not exactly like yours, since my ex and I are not married, nor do we have children. However we all have our slightly different versions of similar stories. So many of us can relate. I know I can.

One thing you said really resonated with me:

The be honest she isn’t happy with herself, I guess. Bcs every time she discards me it’s the same story: I am not happy with you, I don’t love you anymore. She can’t tell me the exact reason why’s she’s unhappy with me.

This is so key, because it's truth. Sure, there can always be things we do/have done to trigger those negative feelings in our partners, and we have to take a hard long look at those things if we want a future with the person. But ultimately, in my case, the times my ex became most distant/dark with me post-breakup were the times when she was also most unhappy/confused with herself. It was always during times when she was trying to "find herself" after a crash. And your post just now made me realize the same thing is happening right now with my ex. She seems to be trying to find herself again, after the latest crash. Even last year, during the worst lashing out I had ever seen from her, she was in a deep, dark place and had to take a leave of absence from work and go into immediate therapy. She was at her wit's end. It almost feels like you just have to weather that storm, since it probably is out of your immediate and direct control.

[Jeff-28]

Hi Dungahass,

Do you still talk with you’re ex? And how does that go?

Yeah it really looks like a storm and we’re in the middle of it. Their behavior is changing every day it’s so unpredictable what their next move will be. Hang on bro we will get stronger out of the situation. It just requires to move on and do your daily things like work and sport.

2 years ago she discarded me. After a couple of months she wanted to talk with me. Really in just ONE day she was talking about hiring a lawyer, that she wanted to see me, who i was talking with and in the evening she asked me to come home and their she reached. Cried and cried like never before. That all happend in just 6/7 hours time.

These people are so unpredictable that everything can happen in a instance. It seems you have to prepare yourself for the unknown.

I really wish you all the best bro. Hang on to it and thank you for you’re response. I also see a lot of similarities with my situation. I’m also 100% sure my wife isn’t unhappy with me but that she’s unhappy with herself. I know sometimes she really wants to be alone and locks the door to be alone. Very very strange behavior.

Anyways take good care of yourself Dungahass I’m with you bro!

[Dungahass]

Thanks, Jeff. We maintain infrequent communication via text. Last I spoke to her was 3 days ago, to give her my sympathies on the one-year anniversary of her father's death. Before that, she had been more warm/communicative, but would also disappear and become cold very quickly. Completely random, it feels like. I've seen her go from pushing my arm away from her and saying we're not compatible, to her hugging me and telling me we're made for each other, within TEN MINUTES. I've also seen her wish me goodnight/I love you before bed, and first thing next morning she won't even look at me and asks me to leave. Not saying I'm faultless, but that kind of black/white is rooted in the BPD.

I wish you luck as well my friend. I'll post where I can, and I definitely feel a lot better talking with you guys and girls here.

Cheers!

[bigbear007]

Hi Jeff,

I would say she shows many of the traits for having bpd, I think what is important is that you don't allow yourself to be the 'go to person' any time she is triggered or wanting to attach to someone. It seems that currently the back and forth from wanting you and then not has affirmed in her head that she can drop you and pick you up when she wishes. I would advise keeping a step back from her until she is either in therapy or has a better understanding of her issues. Even then it is a long process to learn to control your emotional responses.

Someone becoming aware of their condition although at first can be quite hard and often make things worse initially, it can give them a way to try and use more rational and logical thought processes even when emotions are extreme. That is quite hard to do but it is possible.

I joined the forum prior to knowing that it isn't for people who actually have BPD hence not posting anything about myself or asking questions as I have it. But reading your post resonated with me as I have done similar things in the past and can relate to her strange behavior, - I never acted violently or in a threatening way so that is the only difference. But you can go from feeling like someone is the best thing in the world to feeling like you have no emotions at all for anything, not just your spouse but life, no pleasure eating your favorite food, doing an activity you like.. nothing. It is extreme and is hard for the individual but probably harder for those around who don't understand what is going on.

Anyway, if she won't seek help or acknowledge that she might need help then as hard as it might be, you need to think if this is what you want for your life or not.

[Jeff-28]

Hi bigbear,

Thanks for you’re message.

To be honest I really don’t know how this will end. Today I talked with my attorney. He told me she also hired a lawyer. So we will see how things will develop. Maybe she really wants the divorce, maybe she doesn’t and is testing me.

But still you guys I’m curious and maybe someone can answer this question: why didn’t she took the first step to fill for divorce? Why did she asked me to divorce her? Quickly after I filled she also hired a lawyer. Is this typical BPD behavior? It just doesn’t make any sense to me. Is it maybe she wanted to look if I will go on with my threat that I’m filling for divorce? What can it be?

Yeah bigbear, I will never go back to her. I will only think about going back to her if she’s willing to take some kind of therapy for her illness. But till that moment on, I’m not really thinking about going back to her bigbear. I just want to live my life and do my daily things you know. I’m tired thinking about her and her Illness that f*cked up the life of me and my boy.

It’s so f*cking hard to be in this situation but eventually it will make me stronger I’m sure of it!

[bigbear007]

But still you guys I’m curious and maybe someone can answer this question: why didn’t she took the first step to fill for divorce? Why did she asked me to divorce her? Quickly after I filled she also hired a lawyer. Is this typical BPD behavior? It just doesn’t make any sense to me. Is it maybe she wanted to look if I will go on with my threat that I’m filling for divorce? What can it be?

It's hard to say exactly what it will be, but using my own thought processes when I am splitting or devaluing someone which no doubt she is, otherwise she would desperately be trying to get you back. I would say she is doing one of two things, either she has lost all emotions for life and everything in general that she has no drive or motivation to probably do anything but sit in self pity or she is getting you do file for divorce so she can play the victim for the next unlucky person that she meets.

Either way try to remain emotionally detached if you can, if she isn't aware or trying to seek help then it is not a good place to be in. I got diagnosed at 32 so spent a good many years messing things up without even really understanding my own head so in hindsight I was extremely irrational and made decisions without understanding. Having an understanding helps but it is still extremely hard to be like this. But as stated before, harder for everyone else.

[Jeff-28]

Bigbear,

Woow thank you again for you’re extensive answer.

But isn’t that strange? She wants ME to fill for divorce, so she can say he (I) was the one who filled? Everyone in her and in my family knows she wants the divorce. The only thing that she didn’t was to execute it!

For now I really don’t pay any attention what’s she’s doing or isn’t doing. I don’t call her, I don’t ask her if she’s ok nothing. She has to know that from my side she isn’t existing anymore. That she’s not my priority anymore. I have to say she does the same: radio silence! She never texts me or ask how I’m doing. Only communication that I have with her is the picking and bringing times of my boy.

It could be that she’s expecting that I will reach out to her. Maybe she is expecting that I will come back like the first time when she reached out to me and I came back like a stupid puppy who didn’t know what was going on. But I will hang on till court I won’t give up!

You know in this situation i don’t know how to act. From my point of view I have to act that she isn’t important to me bcs if I act like she is important and I chase her she will say: you need me and her EGO will go skyrocketing!

What you think guys? Is my behavior ok to just do my daily thing: sport, work, hang out with friends and don’t pay attention to her at all?

Thank you for reading you guys I wish you all a beautiful evening!

Regards,

Jeff

[scratchingmyhead]

Jeff,
Just weighing in - I don't know the answers (just trying to figure it out like you), but I'm in the same boat.  My husband (of 31 years) just asked for a separation but says he doesn't believe in divorce.  It's so crazymaking!  And he keeps saying that he loves me with all his heart.  I just want to scream.

From what I gather - they cycle back and from demonization and idolization.  But - it's abusive to us (and our kids).  That's the bottom line in the long run.  Do we want to live in constant fear that they will want a divorce around the corner?  Mine did this 10 years ago - so lucky for me it's not every other month - but it's enough for me to want to walk away.  I have an attorney appt tomorrow - and I'm scared. 

I'm so sorry for your son because he, no doubt, will see this in his mom going forward unless she gets help.  We have 4 kids and they have all been demonized and idolized - it's been hard on them.  Last year, our senior daughter came to me and said "there is something seriously wrong with Dad, mom - can you please get him some help?".  That nearly broke my heart when I think about it. 

Before you walk - maybe give her an ultimatum of getting help for the sake of your son.  Her cycles will no doubt, do a number on him. 

I'm so sorry - this is not fun for anyone.

I wish you peace. 

[Jeff-28]

Hi scratchingmyhead,

Unbelievable that you’re husband wants a separation but won’t fill for divorce!  In my eyes if he doesn’t want you at all he will fill for divorce. Their are reasons that he doesn’t want to fill even if he wants a separation. Maybe he’s afraid that you will discard him?

Did you tell him that you’re contacting a attorney? I think it will make him crazy if you’ll tell him you contacted a attorney. I’m very curious what he will say.

You know sis, if it wasn’t for my boy I left the first time she discarded me. It was my boy who was the reason to come back home when she reached out. Her behavior is illogical to me, my family, her family and my friends.

Everyone says: why didn’t she fill when she doesn’t want the marriage anymore? Why did she let you fill first? Really nobody knows and understands! I don’t think she understands why she wanted me to fill first!

At this moment I’m in no contact with her. I don’t ask about her nothing. As i posted earlier on i will never reach out to her bcs I don’t want her getting the feeling I need her in my life. And the honest truth I don’t need her in my life. I can handle life on my own without her.

It’s very hard for me to give her an ultimatum. If she’s going to reach out the coming months I can say to her: I will give you an ultimatum of getting help for the sake of our family.

But if she doesn’t reach out during our divorce proces I’m not in the position to ask or demand things. I have to live with the fact that she has BPD and my son lives with her. It’s heartbreaking and f*ucked up for me but what can I do?

I feel you sis if you’re senior daughter comes to you and ask you if you can get some help for her dad. It will ruin your day and maybe further on!  Please stay strong you’re husband tells you he loves you. Please tell him to seek for help so you can have a happy family and future together. It’s easy to give up, but harder to fight. If my wife would tell me she loves me I will never fill sister!

Please consider and think about it.

I wish you all the luck and happiness!

Regards,

Jeff

[once removed]

You know in this situation i don’t know how to act. From my point of view I have to act that she isn’t important to me bcs if I act like she is important and I chase her she will say: you need me and her EGO will go skyrocketing!

What you think guys?

that depends.

this is the Bettering a Relationship/Reversing a Breakup board.

do you want her back? are your actions geared toward sending a message? or are you done?

[Jeff-28]

Hi once removed,

Thank you for response.

The honest truth is that I want to go back. I was thinking about you’re question and I want to go back. But if I reach out once removed as i told earlier she will say: see you NEED me, you can’t go further on with your life without me! And not to forget she discarded me. It would be ridiculous to go back if she discarded me. Especially bcs she painted me black. She talked behind my back to her family and friends. She tells them all kind of bullPLEASE READ.

I love my wife, I love my son, I love my family, but I don’t know if it’s wise to reach out to her. I have the feeling she will make use of it and make a fun out of me towards her family, my family and my friends.

So to answer you’re question once removed: yeah I’m sending her a signal that I don’t need her! Bcs if I reach out she is the type of woman who will make advantage of the situation.

What do you think I can do best in this situation?

Thanks for your answer.

Wish you a fine Sunday!

Regards,
Jeff

[Lily322]

I really feel for you. This is the exact situation I am having in reverse. I am you in this story, however it's my husband that is acting in this exact way. Basically word for word that same story. It's exhausting just reading it, as it reminds me of the pain it has caused and revokes the trauma. Just when you think it's over, another explosive episode.
I don't have any answers I am afraid, but I am filled with empathy and understanding of your situation. I only hope there are brighter days and your little boy understands that his mother is a good person, just not unwell. As that is what I hope my daughter will come to understand as she grows up. I am so sad to read your story. I truly wish you all the best.

[once removed]

So to answer you’re question once removed: yeah I’m sending her a signal that I don’t need her! Bcs if I reach out she is the type of woman who will make advantage of the situation.

honest question: is the message youre trying to send more important than being with her? is it more important than the gloating she might do?

in other words, would you rather be together, or would you rather be right?

i get it. i threatened to break up with my ex, literally hundreds of times, in order to send a message. she didnt see the light. i just taught her that i wasnt serious...because i wasnt.

look at the bigger picture (bigger than what she will say if you go back), and the fact that the problems in your relationship are deep, entrenched patterns, that they didnt form over night, and wont be solved over night. they will take a lot of focused effort, work, and emotional leadership, to move to a healthier trajectory, if indeed thats possible.

is it?

[Jeff-28]

Hi once removed,

Ok. What can I do to go back in you’re opinion?
Do I have to reach out? And if I reach out what’s the game plan? I mean I can’t go back and say: I regret I ignored you, or I regret that I left you, I love you please take me back something like that. I will make a fool of myself bcs she discarded me.

So what can I do? I have strict boundaries with her now. No contact only if it concerns our boy. She still try’s to manipulate me. From time to time she’s sending me audios or videos of my boy crying or laughing. Really don’t understand why she does that.

I want to thank everyone who helped and supported me.

Looking forward to your answers.

Regards,
Jeff