A divorce in the works

[AskingWhy]

For some reason, I just had the vibes something was wrong: with my first marriage to a uBPD man (enmeshed with his mother) and my current uBPD H (enmeshed with his adult children.)

I was with my first H for five years.  We met each other at work.  He pushed for a marriage, but nothing ever came to pass.  He even bought me an engagement ring.  Fin ally, he and I went to the court house and were married, but he never told his M about the marriage. On the rare occasions when we went to visit the M, H always "forgot" his wedding ring, or left it in the car after "washing his hands," or any number of reasons.  His M was very covertly incested with her S, and was very seductive with him to the point of my feeling uneasy.  I tried to get him to tell his M, and he resisted.  One time when he was visiting her out of town (she had a husband and had remarried after divorce from my H's F), we got into a heated discussion when he was threatening to kill himself.  I could hear him snapping back the slide of a pistol, talking incoherently and crying.  I even found a T for him. Then one day, he came home from work and put down his briefcase in the kitchen before looking at me and saying,  "I don't love you.  I don't think I ever loved you.  I have to go."  Then he left the house and I never saw him again.  I stayed with relatives, unable to live in that empty house, and I presume, at some point, he and his friends moved his belongings.  Then the house was sold and our attorneys split up the equity in the home.

My current uBPD H and I have been married for more than 20 years.  His X W is uNPD and who left to marry her lover (who was also married) after 10 years of marriage and three small children.

My spiritual faith has always guided me during my adult life, and somehow there was a guardian angel to watch over me.

I found two books online as I was browsing online.  Don't ask me how I started searching for books about divorce, idealisation and devaluation, but I did.  A hunch?  For many years during my marriage, I have sought the counsel of a few attorneys, knowing my H could devalue me at any time.  It was during one of these times that I bought BIll Eddy's "Splitting."  Likewise, there is an author who is a psychotherapist, herself suddenly abandoned by her own husband, who has a site and some books.  She coined the tern "sudden wife abandonment."  I presume she is referring to the devaluation stage of an NPD or BPD H.

https://www.vikkistark.com/books

My H is out of town visit one of his Ds and grandchildren.  He send me photos of the D and SIL and grandchildren every day, and he is supremely happy in these photos.  He left in the afternoon on Valentine's Day, and gave me a box of chocolate and a bouquet of flowers was delivered before he left.  He took a taxi to the airport, but not without kissing me goodbye.

Now here's the news:  I was looking through the daily mail and usually I throw out junk mail when H is out of town on business or visiting.  One junk mail struck me:  a letter from the local b ar as sociation.  I know H (as well as I) gets a lot of junk bulk mail from real estate companies asking to buy our home, mortgage offers and the like, so I opened the letter. It was dated the day after Christ mas regarding a referral for a famil y law attorney, including the name of the attorney.  It hit me like a punch in the gut.  I did some online sleuthing to see the atto rney is in our town. 

My heart started racing.  Just as in those books I was reading on wife abandonment syndrome!  My H had just earlier today sent me photos of the grandchildren and his Ds in-laws taking the children to a park!

My H had just gifted me with a beautiful diamond pendant on Christ mas day, and the very next day he is contacting for attorney referrals?

I have no idea where this will go.  I know H is very anxious about retirement, and his anxiety might have been on overdrive.  He even sent me a link for a nice retirement condo that was up for sale.

Your thoughts?  I already have the name of a famil y law specialist to consult with.  I contacted he awhile back when H was making one of his divorce threats.  Has the time come for a serious split?

[ct21218]

What do you want?  To continue living this way in fear or perhaps move on to a better life not dependent on him.  Your whole world revolves around him and his emotions.

[AskingWhy]

What do you want?  To continue living this way in fear or perhaps move on to a better life not dependent on him.  Your whole world revolves around him and his emotions.

I think when one is married, one is usually closely attached to the spouse.  (The books explain this.)

Right now H is out of town visiting with his D and grandchildren.  I have not even begun to ponder what to do.  He comes home on the weekend.

[ct21218]

I agree but it becomes codependent when you are adjusting your life to suit his emotional nature.  You have quite a deep resentment towards his relationship with his children.

What do you want out of your life?

[AskingWhy]

I agree but it becomes codependent when you are adjusting your life to suit his emotional nature.  You have quite a deep resentment towards his relationship with his children.

What do you want out of your life?

Most of us on this forum are codependent.  I am preparing myself for what comes and armed with knowledge.  I know the mechanism of splitting an BPD, but it will still hurt.

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi AW-

Kind of a shocking and painful development, but not.  You understand that people with BPD traits experience strong emotions IN THE MOMENT, regardless of what emotion they experienced the moment or day before.

So yes, he gifted you a beautiful diamond pendant for Christmas, and he meant to gift that to you.  If there was any argument at all, anything no matter how small between the moment of the gift and when he lobbed off the request for an attorney’s name, there you were.  Were.  Past tense.

You’ve stated many times recently that you are fighting fire with Fire in disagreements with your H now.  When he disrespects you, you disrespect him more in return.  And he is FEELING that.  If this is new to him, he is likely feeling less “loved” by you.  Because something has changed drastically in your behavior.

AW- did this mail arrive today, or has it been sitting unopened for an unknown period of time?

Also, please keep in mind.  And I know this hurts, I’m sorry.  If this is the headspace he WAS in, you have also been sitting in that space for months.  Many months.  So he has been in no different a mindset than you.  You’ve BOTH been unhappy but have not carefully or lovingly addressed anything with one another. 

His flowers and candy yesterday  and photos today are genuine.  I hope you believe that.

You now have a choice.  You can either choose to work to improve and save your marriage or you can “bust” him and you WILL divorce.

Please give yourself these few days apart to process these thoughts.  Try to use kindness when he sends photos to you.  He’s thinking of you - tell him the photos are sweet and you’re glad he’s relaxing and enjoying his visit.

AW - do you think you can have a happy marriage, a happy relationship with your husband?  Do you LIKE him?  Can you forgive his shortcomings?  Can you accept his children and embrace some kind of relationship with them?  They too suffered at the hands and whims of a dysfunctional mother.

Please share your thoughts.  Not those from a book.  Please stay with us.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Gemsforeyes]

Sorry for the double tap, AW.

I haven’t written about this yet, but I broke up with my uBPDbf on 2/13/2020.  For the, I don’t know...20th time maybe?  But this time I will NOT be welcoming him back.

Since October things have been really odd.  And I have forced myself to NOT disassociate when he’d get off-center.  To really listen to the words.  Many of his rantings and rages were NOT directed at me.   The thing is, the insults toward everyone are incredibly personal and are meant to be.  His actions and words tend more toward narcissism than BPD, it seems.  He is devoid of substance.  And I am ashamed of myself for remaining in this relationship for 6.5 years.  Deeply ashamed.

Because I have actively learned and used the tools, we had evolved to the point of being able to have many calm conversations about the relationship.  And yet when he starts an argument, those insults and disrespect are astonishing.  I will NOT abide that in my life any longer.  Not for this stale, empty shell of a man who never has and never will create an original thought.  In complete honesty, he has NEVER brought a THING to this relationship or to my life...except for stress, self-doubt and lowered self-esteem.  I’m 62 and will likely not have another opportunity.  That’s ok.  It will be better to die alone.

How do you feel?  Does your H add to your life?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[AskingWhy]

AW- did this mail arrive today, or has it been sitting unopened for an unknown period of time?

Also, please keep in mind.  And I know this hurts, I’m sorry.  If this is the headspace he WAS in, you have also been sitting in that space for months.  Many months.  So he has been in no different a mindset than you.  You’ve BOTH been unhappy but have not carefully or lovingly addressed anything with one another. 

Gems, thank you for the kind reply.  Yes, I know BPDs can be very much in the moment, and then the next day things are fine.  I really do not like being married to a BPD and the whole roller coaster.  And, yes, I have also sought the advice of an attorney.

The letter arrived over the weekend, and was mailed bulk mail like other junk mail, which my H has me dispose of so he won't have to deal with it when he returns.  What a surprise to find the letter inside.  I know BPDs commonly make divorce threats (Bill Eddy mentions this), but rarely act on them.  When they do, they have been already devalued and discarded their spouse.  I have "Splitting" at the ready on my digital pad.  

When H sends the photos, I comment how nice they are.  H is with his D and grandchildren, her in-laws, SIL and the extended family.  In H's insecure way and putting on his BPD chameleon colors, probably would like to move near D when he retires. He feels valued and appreciated at that point in time.  At home with me, it's just the W, cats and dogs.

At least he is e-mailing pictures and sharing them with me.  

A few weeks ago, H had a tantrum in the kitchen and started stabbing vegetables with a kitchen knife, sending cut vegetables all of the place.  He apologized in about two hours.  This week, he started raging at me over dinner not being ready when he got home from a long day at work.  He apologized in about 30 minutes.  It may be some self reflection on his part.  Who knows with a pwBPD?  It may or may not be an improvement.  

[AskingWhy]

Sorry for the double tap, AW.

I haven’t written about this yet, but I broke up with my uBPDbf on 2/13/2020.  For the, I don’t know...20th time maybe?  But this time I will NOT be welcoming him back.

The thing is, the insults toward everyone are incredibly personal and are meant to be.  His actions and words tend more toward narcissism than BPD, it seems.  He is devoid of substance.  And I am ashamed of myself for remaining in this relationship for 6.5 years.  Deeply ashamed.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

Gems, I am so very sorry to hear about you R/S!      

It must be remembered, as in the Eggshells book, that the more functional a BPD is, the more NPD characteristics he/she is likely to have.  At times, it is hard to tell BPD from NPD, but the underlying self hate of the BPD is usually the tip off.  At times, my H is so into himself, but I see him cower in front of his adult children.  No self respecting NPD would tolerate abuse from anyone including his own children.  My H defines himself by who he is with: coworkers, friends or his children.  I understand NPDs are so self assured that they don't need anyone to define them.  In the end. both BPDs and NPDs split and devalue their partners, and can leave with no warning.

As for shame, this is my second BPD marriage, as you know. My first H devalued me and left without looking back.  We were together for only 5 years.  This current marriage has gone on for over 20 years.  I should have left before 5 years when I saw him put his children ahead of me.  In their teen years, he let his three children tell him how to live his marriage, and demanded him divorce me.  In those times, my low self esteem and fear of being alone kept me from leaving.  Now I know the dynamics of BPD, but I am still afraid of the uncertainty of divorce and being alone.  That said, I don't want to be in a marriage where the slightest trigger will set my H off and he will threaten to divorce me if he does not get his way.  It's the BPD version (as they are emotionally children) of "I am taking all my toys and going home!"

Be well, Gems, and be strong.  You know what you are up against.  Even with knowledge of BPD, it's never easy to be in the middle of being split black.  

[GaGrl]

Askingwhy, you obtained a referral or contact to a lawyer to discuss your rights in a divorce.

Now you have some evidence that your husband has also obtained a referral.

Is there any difference in these actions? Are you both in a similar place?

[formflier]

Until you know differently, it would serve you well to take the most parsimonious explanation you can think of and take that as your opinion until you can speak to him in person.

Then directly ask him how he wished you to understand getting this in the mail.

Then listen and think a long time before responding.

Best,

FF

[AskingWhy]

Askingwhy, you obtained a referral or contact to a lawyer to discuss your rights in a divorce.

Now you have some evidence that your husband has also obtained a referral.

Is there any difference in these actions? Are you both in a similar place?

H still talks about moving to another home when he retires.  He says he wants to be committed to me in our retirement years, and admitted the gifts of jewellery were tokens of that sentiment.  

I think my finding a lawyer was my response to H's constant talk of divorce and I wanted to know my rights in the event he did have me served.  In reality, I wish I was married to a sane man and had a healthy marriage.

[AskingWhy]

Until you know differently, it would serve you well to take the most parsimonious explanation you can think of and take that as your opinion until you can speak to him in person.

Then directly ask him how he wished you to understand getting this in the mail.

Thank you, FF.  I don't want to jump to conclusions.

[Notwendy]

AW, I agree with FF - to not jump to conclusions.

I understand this is shocking and upsetting. I would encourage you to explore these feelings. I think there's potential in your marriage. It seems he gave you a lovely gift for Christmas and is communicating with you while he is away visiting. In your posts you have indicated you were seeking legal advice, but if the idea that he might be doing the same is upsetting, then maybe this isn't what you really want to do.

While I would not advise jumping to conclusions, it is possible that your H considered this after one of your arguments where you "lit in to him" and this was hurtful to him. While I understand he has had his moments, and his issues, his behavior- buying you the present at Christmas ( he knows you like jewelry) and his communications with you looks like he is emotionally invested in the marriage. While you feel he is enmeshed with his children, these actions also show he's emotionally invested in you.

I would not call this "wife abandonment syndrome". If you have "lit in to him" during your arguments and have consulted a lawyer, it makes sense that he too would feel the need to do the same. Consider that this may be a response to the long standing conflicts in your marriage. I agree with FF to not be confrontational about this. It might be that a better approach is to be empathetic. The conflict is hurtful to both of you.

Could this be a turning point ? You have stated before that you don't feel the need to work on reducing conflict in your marriage. But here's a man, albeit not a perfect man, who has bought you a lovely gift, and is in contact with you- and still seems to be invested in you and your marriage. While you should not- and nobody should- be a doormat or tolerate abuse, perhaps there are ways you can work on your responses to his deregulations to reduce the level of hostility in the marriage and have it be more peaceful for both of you.

[formflier]

One of the hard things (when I say hard it seems unfair that "i have to be the strong one") I've had to do and my P is constantly reminding me about this.

Lead the relationship out of conflict.  That's very different than "fixing" or "enabling" or "forgetting".
 
Yesterday my wife disagreed (and likely personalized) a discipline action I took against D15.  I allowed the natural consequences of "forgetting" to ask permission ahead of time to go to an event to happen.  She didn't go to the event.

I could see my wife was triggered, she called me "ridiculous" (her behavior was frankly worse than d15).  The details really don't matter (insert BPDish behavior that you guys can imagine...and you've got it)

My wife said she needed to take a break, I agreed and then I didn't respond at all to her "tries" to reopen the argument.

Now...once she actually stormed out of the house for a bike ride I realized she would likely come back a different person...likely back to baseline.

I had a choice to focus on the overwhelmingly positive weekend we had or this one "blip".  I focused on the weekend, we had a great evening together so out of a 48-72 hour period of time that was wonderful, I made a choice to set aside 20 minutes of silly and focus on the rest.

Let's relate this to your situation AW.

From your reports your husband has been treating you much better.  Gifts and reaching out (likely more things).

Then there is a piece of mail.

What can you do to set aside the piece of mail, until you can have a conversation in person?

Best,

FF

[Gemsforeyes]

Hey AW-

I hope you’re doing a bit better this morning.  I looked back at your December postings and you and your H had a bad blow up on December 23rd.  Still, he gave you the jewelry for Christmas (you didn’t mention this at the time).  You did continue to post some negative and angry feelings (understandably) for several days after the 23rd (beginning again a few days after Christmas, I think).  Maybe go look at those posts and see if there was something there that would have triggered him to make the legal contact.

But...but, as I and your other friends here have said, you have also shared this mindset, of finding out your legal rights.  It doesn’t mean you’re intending to move forward toward divorce.

And please recall, he did JUST give you Valentine's candy, flowers, a card and a kiss before heading off to his daughter’s for a visit to the grandkids.

And... you say he’s talked about a retirement condo, among other things.

Maybe look a little closer at your real reaction to seeing this letter.  How upset it has made you.   

Do YOU want to preserve your marriage to your H?  You can if you want to, but you’ve got to do your part.  You’ve got to let him forget parts of his painful past, and you’ve got to put yours behind you.  I’m not trying to be harsh here, I’m sorry.  But his exW has been gone for a long long time... I promise you, he’s NOT thinking of her, unless you’re bringing it up during fights.

Please don’t shut down, AW.  Please stay with us.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[AskingWhy]

@Wendy, I really don't want to divorce my H, but I have to be ready in case he files, hence my seeking legal advice.   Of course, there is always the chance that I will reach my limit on how much BPD abuse I can take.  One can never tell when that last straw happens. 

@FF, yes, I will not jump to conclusions yet.  I know H is a very fragile person, as are most BPDs.  In December, I had my limit with the abuse heaped on me, so I let him have it.  One thing about abusive people is that they make you look crazy, and then point at how you have lost your cool.  This often happens when a man is abusive to his wife and calls the police on her (also women calling the police, no gender bias here.)  The police arrive and the woman is hysterical from the abuse while the H is cool and calm, making the woman look like the abuser.  The police officers say, "Lady, you need to cool off and I am sure all will be well with your H."

This happened to H and me more than 10 years ago when we went to see a T.  I was crying and sobbing and then shouted at how hurt I was.  The T took H's side and told me that I had better shape up or I would "lose the man who loved me." It was unreal.  BPDs can be very manipulative, and my H used this to get the T on his side.  Then all the way home in the car, I was name called for being an a$$, that the T bore out just how wrong I was.  The T was eating out of his hand.  What a disgrace she was to her profession to be so mislead.

Yes, I know H is trying, but he lapses easily into his splitting and things go backward.

@Gems, thank you so much for researching my history of posting!     It is easy to forget a chronology.  I was very upset to find that letter knowing H is considering leaving me.  He is so fragile and can't see any shades of grey like, "We are having a disagreement."  He splits me black, hates me and wants me to go away.

 

[Notwendy]

AW- if you don't want to divorce your H, would you like to improve your marriage or have things stay how they are with how you respond to him?

Yes, he has his issues, but you say he is trying. Knowing we can't change another person, and he is who he is, are there ways you can work on your part of the conflict to make things better overall ?

You should not tolerate abuse, but "lighting into him" is hurful to him. Would you be interested in learning other ways to reduce the conflict besides this "pay it back" method- where you say hurtful things back?

I would not jump to conclusions about the letter, but consider that he may have also done this impulsively while feeling hurt after one of your arguments. You should not be abused, but "fighting back" by saying hurtful things just causes more hurt. It doesn't sound like he wants to divorce you, but he might also feel hurt in the marriage. Can you have some empathy for this?

You say he prefers his children who take advantage of him, but maybe he craves approval and would also want some from you? If he's emotionally invested in the children, he may be looking for approval where he can get it and the children are a source of that. But you could be caring to him as well if you were willing to be.

The way you write about him reveals contempt and resentment. You've talked about righteous anger that you feel you are well deserving to have. He's done some abusive things to you. But you also say he is trying. Do you want to try too?

[AskingWhy]

I have an appointment with My T this week, and I will discuss what I discovered with her.

The phone calls and texts from H seem friendly and, at this point, he does not appear to be splitting.

One time H came home from work tired and angry and stressed, and he snapped at me, started ordering me around, saying how unhappy he was in the marriage.  All the usual from a uBPD H.  I reacted saying dinner was coming on time, to quit complaining and to get ready for dinner.  I was also making meals for a sick elderly neighbor who does not have family living close by.

About 30 minutes later, H came to me and apologized.  Maybe there is hope for the marriage and H's call to the attorney was made in a fit of fear and anger during a split.

[Gemsforeyes]

Hey AW-

Have you and your H ever sat down and had a loving, face to face talk about improving your relationship?  How each of you can play a role to make things better?  We all know we both play a role.  Phones off, tv off, maybe go for a nice walk in nature or take a picnic lunch?

Something to consider?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Notwendy]

I think it is good you are speaking to your T about this.

Yes perhaps there is hope for the marriage. Your H has apologized for being hurtful. Surely your words back have hurt him too.

Have you considered apologizing to him? Even if you believe he deserved it, the words hurt.

Consider that, when he is angry at you, he is hurting too and "in the moment" feels you deserve it. Then later he is sorry for what he said.

It is also possible that he can feel angry and hurt without "splitting" .

You don't present him as somone with feelings of his own. Yes, he has his issues, but he has feelings too. While your "fighting back" feels justified, it's hard to think anyone is immune to being "lit into" and having their vulnerable issues poked at.

He gave you a necklace at Christmas. What did you give him?

Are YOU trying AW? If you see him being kind and trying, can you try as well?

[AskingWhy]

Thank you, Gems and NW.

I gave H a very nice set of books for his hobby, which were not cheap.  We decided to keep gifts relatively simple, though, and I never expected the gift of a diamond pendant from H.  I was very surprised and touched. 

I want to add that H has been sleeping in the guest room for about three months.  Leaving the marital bed can be the hallmark of a man who is ready to leave his W.

We have our pets sleep with us in our bedroom.  The cats curl up in their beds or on a chair, and one dog sleeps in his bed on the floor.  The small dog, though, sleeps in our bed.  About three months ago, she started having very bad skin allergies and would scratch herself at all hours of the night, disrupting our sleep.  My H rises and leaves for work before dawn to drive across town to his job, and he said he needed the sleep, so he started sleeping in the guest room.  So it's only me and the pets in our bedroom now.  (Medications have not helped the poor dog.  Also, could she be responding to the unhappy vibes in my H and me?  When my H was married to his X W, and she lied to him about having an affair, he broke out in hives.  Allergies can be psychosomatic, indeed.)

I do want to have a heart to heart talk with my H when he returns.  I know he loves me in some way.  

Years ago, when all of his children were very young, he took them for a hike in a national park.  When he returned home with them, he was very grave with me, saying he lost his wedding ring.  I was very upset, but kept my anger in check.  He knew I was angry as he is very careless and splits in the presence of his children.  He could only focus on them, oblivious to everything else around him.  (He has lost wallets, forgotten to lock house doors, forgotten to feed the pets, etc. when he had his children for visitation from his X.)  I slowly said we'd have to get him another ring.  He told me he drove back to the park when he discovered the ring missing, and with the children, spent more than an hour trying to locate the ring back along the trail they took.

I was upset by this, to be sure.  Then an hour later, H came rushing up to me, almost in tears.  He had found the ring in a pocket in his backpack where he put it for safekeeping.  He was almost crying with relief and joy.  

Things like this help me keep in mind that my H does love me on some level, perhaps very deeply.  

[Cat Familiar]

Between the apologies, the generous gift, and the friendly phone calls and texts, it appears that he is behaving very differently than he has in the past. Sure, he had that episode about cutting the veggies, but what you describe is certainly very different than some months ago or a few years ago.

I think there's hope that things can get much better in your relationship, AskingWhy.

[GaGrl]

Based on the tone of your posts for the past few months, I was beginning to think you were ready for divorce, AskingWhy. You described yourself as being filled with resentment and anger, yet telling as if you could laugh at him when he provoked you. Frankly, the level of vitriol was concerning.

Upon finding a letter that hints at the possibility of losing your H by divorce, your tone and attitude is completely different, a 180 degree turn. Now you sound as if a divorce would be a huge loss.

Is there hope to improve the marriage?

Are you able to be vulnerable and tender enough to love him through the work it might take to get to the marriage you want?

[AskingWhy]

The reason I sought a lawyer was to know my rights in the event my H devalued me and filed for divorce.  I also wanted to have knowledge in the event I had reached my limits and wanted to file myself and have him served.

H is behaving very differently, and in a good way, but one never knows with BPD.  As in the OP, some men are affectionate with their wives up until the moment they go out the door.  The wife is split black.  In this moment, the husband leaves.  The black and white episodes are hard to predict.  H is almost 60 and ripe for the mid life crisis. 

[once removed]

Is there hope to improve the marriage?

Are you able to be vulnerable and tender enough to love him through the work it might take to get to the marriage you want?

these are pretty important questions.

H is behaving very differently, and in a good way, but one never knows with BPD.  

are you saying you have no control over what happens? do you not intend to change anything?

[AskingWhy]

H has been calling me daily and sharing photos of his D, SIL and GS, and also talking about retirement condos.

He says he wants to retire with me to a smaller home that is quiet and with amenities and a golf course.  He said he wants to make sure I am happy, too.  It's hard to see this is the same man who stabs knives into cutting boards, hurls divorce threats whenever he is unhappy with me (chores not done on his schedule, my depression, etc.)

I am still holding out for judgement.  He may well return from his cross country trip tired and cranky from the travel, and I might get another divorce threat.

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi AW-

It really does sound as if your H wants things to improve.  Are you asking yourself what you can do to meet him?  There is a LOT of caring information in this thread for you.  Please re-read what your friends here have suggested.

Your H gets up early for work and your dog scratches in the night, disturbing his sleep.  As much as you love your dog (I totally get that), your H needs to come first.  And sharing your marital bed is IMPORTANT.  Intimacy is important.  And sleeping next to one another is a key form of intimacy.

If your current vet cannot figure out what’s bothering your pup’s skin, perhaps speak with a vet who practices more holistically; or look at her food.  She’s not reacting to your marriage.  My dog had a horrible peeling skin condition and I began adding olive oil to her food.  Problem solved.

Regarding your depression.  I’m so sorry, AW... and believe me, I DO understand.  What active steps are you willing to take?  Just like we want our partners to participate in their own healing, we’ve GOT to play an active role in ours.  Our sadness sets them off.  I do know this.

I was diagnosed with MDD.  Every day was a battle and I’m drug resistant.  I now use a machine called Alpha-Stim which has helped both my depression and anxiety immensely.  I’ve been off anxiety meds for nearly a year now.  For me, moderate exercise (Walking my dog, light weights) and music also really help.  I’m 62 years old and not in the great shape I once was.  Another person canNOT take me out of my sadness.

As far as splitting and RAGES go, I’ve finally come to grips with what set off my now exBPDbf.  His sense of self is SO fragile, that ANY question that “catches” him in a mistake, no matter how minor *I* think it is, is like the end of the world to him.  And that’s how my relationship ended last week.  When I think back, I can really see what led up to a-LOT of his RAGES.  I stopped a ton of them before they took off, and I could have stopped this one; but I didn’t.  Can you really say you DON’T know what sets off your H?  In the present?

Anyway, my friend... just some things to think about.

Your thoughts?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[formflier]

I am still holding out for judgement.  He may well return from his cross country trip tired and cranky from the travel, and I might get another divorce threat.

And then what? 

He comes back happy...no divorce threat... so you decide to?

He comes back in a crank mode...grumbles..perhaps divorce threat...so you decide to?

You know, as I think about those two choices, I wonder about who is the "decider" in Askingwhy's world. 

Askingwhy, do you see that?

Best,

FF