I feel crazy Part 2

[WitzEndWife]

Jaded7, thank you so much for your kind words. I am glad we can help each other out here. I know that, when I finally do cut the proverbial cord here, I will be in your same position, being devalued. Then again, I think about this: if logically, I know that the devaluing isn't real, then wouldn't the extreme valuation be false as well? It's all an illusion that is meant to manipulate our feelings, right? I don't doubt that these folks feel intense emotions and flux wildly from "love" to "hate," but the love isn't real and neither is the hate. Real love isn't controlling, it isn't clingy, it isn't always intense. Real love is respect, appreciation, admiration, and seeking to understand the other person, even if you don't agree. They don't have the emotional range to create real love. It's like having an emotional developmental disorder or sorts. Knowing this, we can decide whether we want to continue or not. Ultimately, taking care of yourself is NOT a bad thing and even if that includes parting company with them, it's not bad. It just feels like it is because the balance in the relationship has been so skewed in their favor for so long.

[formflier]

It's all an illusion that is meant to manipulate our feelings, right? 

I doubt it, although we'll never know.

I think it's all about expressing their feelings.  I doubt they put much thought into trying to manipulate your feelings. 

Best,

FF

[jaded7]

Real love isn't controlling, it isn't clingy, it isn't always intense. Real love is respect, appreciation, admiration, and seeking to understand the other person, even if you don't agree.

I have written out what I think real love is so many times in my journal! It isn't criticizing, lecturing, demeaning, belittling, yelling, testing and no-win situations, ghosting, snapping, evasiveness. It's just not.

My whole idea of love has been tested here. I believe in supporting, communicating, accepting, building the other up, being her biggest fan and supporter, being there to calm her in her worries, celebrating her successes, letting her know that I think she's beautiful and smart and good...all the time.

I expected that in return. When it didn't come, and instead I got lectures and criticism, my work and friends are put down, I was completely caught off guard. Suddenly I found myself in a one-way relationship with little support and a great deal of fear that I would set her off, or say something that got demeaned. So I became afraid, but still wanted to be there for her to show her that I'm 'safe' and love her.

But it doesn't seem to be enough. Which so hurts me and confuses me. I simply can't wrap my head around wanting to constantly criticize and lecture the person that loves you. I can't understand why you'd want to demean them, their work, their passions.

And yes, so I've stepped away from it after the last no-win test and ghosting and leaving me alone on Christmas (you can see my thread "Or leave...don't know what to do") and then verbal attack.

Yet, I miss her and like you worry about her, and also hate that I'm so devalued. But somehow trying to take care of myself.