is my entire family BPD or have traits including me?

[Calm Waters]

Hi, its been almost a year since I last posted, and another turbulent years with my drug addicted adult sons, both of whom  thankfully seem to be recovering, the death of my older brother last October, not two years after my Dad. In fact I have lost my entire original family since 2014 and I feel a bit  lonely having lost all of the connections to my disturbed childhood.

Its clear to me now that My Mother was an abused and abandoned child which led to her needy BPD. My Dad was the same but he became a narcissist, My brother 9 years older than me witnessed a lot of domestic violence and he became quite narcissistic in line with my Dad, as my brother was the 'wanted child'. I was left as the unwanted child by my Dad to be parentified by my Mother whilst she went through breakdowns and suicidality.

In my teens I discovered alcohol and dabbled with drugs to alleviate my inner pain, although back then I didn't know where it came from but managed to recover and have had a largely great life until my oldest son succumbed to drugs at 17, he's now 32 and is in rehab' for the 3rd time and nearly died of a near fatal suicide attempt in 2014 leaving him with Cauda Equina syndrome. My younger son emulated him, nearly died of an overdose and they now both have mental and physical health issues paranoia and BPD as a result of the drug related damage. Ironic isn't it? I spend my whole life trying not to make the mistakes my parents made yet here I am dealing with all of this crap. Two friends son's have recently also died of overdoses before reaching 20. On top of that the climate crisis, toxic narcissists running the world on both sides of the Atlantic, Brexit, the rise of the Nazi's and so on I feel very depressed for the first time in years.

My brother died last October from Cancer, he was my best friend and when I was little my hero and protector, and despite our differences which were many I miss him terribly. Despite all of the above I am normally able to motivate myself and enjoy my life but having lost Mum Dad Brother two sisters in law and aunt a cousin and almost both of my sons I feel exhausted and desolate at times wondering what will come next, will it be me?

So here I am again sharing my situation, I have some support but less than I had, my Wife is a rock, having taken me back after my own BPD acting out a few years ago. The strangest thing is that there is no one alive now that knew me before I was 14 or so, and certainly no one who shared the experience of my damaged original family, I never thought I would miss the ability to reminisce about something so painful, but I do, its weird!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[mggt]

I remember you from before. So sorry things are still so bad. Glad you have your wife and someone to talk to. This is a terrible disease and on top of that drugs. Sending you hugs and strength. Hope that helps somewhat. Your friends. Stay strong.