Needing some understanding and support, ex moved on

[cd_ex]

Hey everyone. I've been reading these threads for a while and definitely need a place to open up to feel heard and understood as well as finding an understanding community.

My exBPD and I had a 3 year r/s. She attached to me immediately even though I was separated but still married. After a few months, she moved states to live with me and this forced the divorce. She found another job 90min north of me that she took a couple months later and we had a distance relationship. Over the couple years, all the signs of BPD were there... never admitting wrong, deflecting, jealousy, ANGER, roller coaster emotions, splitting, pretty much everything but the suicidal stuff (she would never be that way). When I asked her about her previous 10 year r/s and marriage, she only said that it was a bad time in her life and she blocked it out and just that her and her ex weren't in love anymore and they just argued all the time. No break up was ever her fault. She was the victim and after just 4 days of knowing her, I was her knight in shinning armor... for a little while at least.

Long story short, she had pushed me away in the r/s and caused a lot of emotional damage. I know as a co-dependent, I'm a little sensitive, but this was a lot of taking without giving, anger and emotional bullying, arguing, deflecting and NEVER wanting to talk about the relationship. After 3 years I was unfaithful, with my ex wife. I told her about it and that it was a mistake and that I wanted to be with her and was hoping to work things out. She scorched earth my entire existence... contacted my friends, my work and blasted it all over social media. I had a 5 hour lambasting of how terrible I was and that she hopes I die alone. The next day, an apology and the day after that she was telling me that she missed me and wanted me to fly out to France with her for work for a month.

After this, it was a roller coaster of emotions for 7 months. I was patiently waiting and working on things while she would bounce in and out of the r/s. She would get close and then freak out from the hurt of the affair. But by the end of it, we were on great terms for whole month. Talking about marriage and kids. Everything was back to normal and "i love you's" were flowing.

The day after we were talking about looking at houses in CO together when I got back from being out of town, she text me that she needed a break. I obliged, and the next two days were messages of how hard it was, that she still loved me and wanted to be with me, etc. Then a couple days later, she was in Hawaii with some friends and I get a message that she only came back so many times because "I convinced her" (which I never did) and she only did it because I was "familiar". Her anger about the affair was "toxic to her life" and she needed to move on and we could never talk again.

A week later, she was in a relationship with one of the people from Hawaii and has only known for a couple weeks. It's been 4 weeks and they are both planning on moving to CO together and already in full on relationship phase. In ONE week she went from wanting to marry me, needing a break but still loving me, now in a new relationship with the love of her life. WHIPLASH! She always distracted herself when she was stressed or angry or sad or anything other than happy really. Maybe this is just that? But she seems so in love.

The worst part isn't being replaced or comparing myself to this new person (which sucks!). It's the splitting and dissociation of the three years of love and talks of marriage and kids and kinds of support that are now completely eradicated from her mind. It's being forgotten and disregarded that sucks. I feel completely devalued and torn apart, even though a lot of me knows that she is just searching for the next thing to fill the void and rebounded with a new knight in shinning armor. The relationship starting with him is so similar to ours in its pacing.

He's a widow after a 14 year relationship going on 7 months now, and I can only imaging she is giving him purpose and it probably feels so amazing to be wanted and loved again. I imagine she respected his grieving boundaries about as well as she respected my marital ones. He still posts about his ex-wife weekly and runs a foundation in her name. I can't image the BPDex is going to be ok with that for very long.

I feel horrible, but there are still some small angry parts of me that hope they both realize it's a rebound relationship and it goes down in flames. Or she does the same stuff eventually and it goes down in flames. But then there is a larger part of me that just wants her to be happy. The part that truly loved her and still does. I feel like I'm better off and even struggled with the relationship the last year of it because of the emotional beat downs and roller coasters, but I miss my best friend and the idea that I was going to spend the rest of my life with her. And at 34, starting dating again just feels like a total drag.

Thank you all in advance.

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