Lost and I don’t know where to turn

[LostHubby]

This is my first post and I am not too sure how this will work out.  I am on my second marriage and my wife and I have been married four years.  After reading several posts I do sense she displays several traits of someone with BPD.  One day I am the greatest man alive and can do no wrong and the next I am nothing and not good enough for her.  This merry go round of good and bad has been going on since we got married.  Last summer I really thought we made a breakthrough when she started therapy, but recently her dad passed and I am getting the brunt of her emotions.  I want so badly to be there for her, but I truly don’t know how.  I can’t listen enough, be still enough or act enough.  Nothing is working and it is tearing us apart...

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

hi LostHubby, and

my heart really goes out to you. to witness a loved one lose their father, and not know how to be there, and to feel inadequate in trying to do so, it sucks.

i think most of us can identify strongly with being the greatest person alive, and just the absolute worst, the next. its not only confusing, it can be really hurtful.

regarding the loss of her dad, stress, and such enormous losses, can be challenging for all of us, but people with bpd traits especially, and they generally lack coping skills in the face of such challenges. it isnt personal that this is so hard for you both. but things can get better.

tell us more about whats going on right now, lately.

[Rev]

Hi H,

Just wanting to say - welcome! 

You will find great insights here.  And you will find compassion. For me, it has been a godsend. People here have been where you find yourself now.

Peace to you as you journey.  May you find the answers you need.

Rev

[LostHubby]

Thanks for the encouragement,

Lately she has been very distant and cold.  She has been testing me the last two weeks.  I travel for my job and she asked me to drive 12 hours round trip on my one day off after a ten hour flight.  I told her I could not and she said, see you are never willing to be there for me when I need you.  You are worthless and mean nothing to me.  Then she went and spent a lot of money on a new puppy and told me I couldn’t play with it because I would steal it from her.  Before we would discuss purchases and come to an agreement but now it seems she does does what she wants and doesn’t care to include me in the decisions.  This is very frustrating to me.  My part in this is I try to reason with her but that only makes it worse.  In the past distance and time always helped but now it seems the time and distance is only making it worse.

[Rev]

  Before we would discuss purchases and come to an agreement but now it seems she does does what she wants and doesn’t care to include me in the decisions.  This is very frustrating to me.  My part in this is I try to reason with her but that only makes it worse.  In the past distance and time always helped but now it seems the time and distance is only making it worse.

So my first inclination is to say that the 4 year mark was important in my relationship. If this is your second marriage then you can be sure of one thing - regardless of a personality disorder - and it is this. Patterns and tendencies that are left unchecked come back faster, tighter and with more intensity.

Is there anything you are seeing now that is an echo of the past, even if the echo of the past happened over a long period of time and with less intensity?

This is a normal question to ask anyone with attachment issues.  The BPD traits come into the picture because what to "do" is made a lot more elusive because of a lack of a stable sense of self. So I mention that to say, stop trying to figure out why what worked before doesn't seem to work now. As you have recognized it - now is the time to get a wider picture and learn new coping skills to deal with your relationship to her rather than her relationship to you (if you catch my drift.)

Have you consulted the book - Stop Walking on Eggshells ?  It's an excellent resource.

There are more here that you should consult.

https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=stop+walking+on+eggshells+book&&view=detail&mid=E22E9A52D3B9792D7E50E22E9A52D3B9792D7E50&&FORM=VRDGAR&ru=%2Fvideos%2Fsearch%3Fq%3Dstop%2Bwalking%2Bon%2Beggshells%2Bbook%26FORM%3DHDRSC3

Hope this helps you sort things out. For sure you are asking the right questions and you seem to be making reasoned and rational headway - even if it's really difficult to keep yourself steady and your head up.

Trust yourself - it will begin to come clear.

Rev

[LostHubby]

Is there anything you are seeing now that is an echo of the past, even if the echo of the past happened over a long period of time and with less intensity?

Have you consulted the book - Stop Walking on Eggshells ?

Our whole relationship is an echo it just intensifies each time, the last peaceful period lasted 4 months.  My wife told me she feels a storm coming and I should prepare but I had no idea what she meant.  We are fine until a life conflict comes and then it is all my fault and I didn’t do anything to prevent it. (Her father passing)  Today she told me she doesn’t feel safe because I haven’t done anything to protect her from COVID19.

For the second part I finally bought the book last month after my therapist recommended it for the fifth time.  I have been trying to white-knuckle it through life and I am completely drained so I gave it a try.  The book is why I am trying this website.

[once removed]

She has been testing me the last two weeks.  I travel for my job and she asked me to drive 12 hours round trip on my one day off after a ten hour flight.  I told her I could not and she said, see you are never willing to be there for me when I need you. 

people with traits of this disorder can make a lot of unreasonable demands and expectations.

if you or i were feeling lonely or needy, we might ask for a hug. your partner might ask you to move heaven and earth and criticize you when you cant.

you love someone who has intense needs, and lacks the skills or awareness to recognize them, or communicate them in healthy ways.

its not about the twelve hour trip. its not about the incident.

its just an extreme way of saying "i need you" or "i need support" or whatever she was trying to communicate. and getting at what shes trying to communicate takes a lot of skill and finesse, a lot of trial and error, that you can learn here.

what was the context around the conversation? did she give any reason behind asking you to make the trip? what did you say, apart from that you couldnt?

[LostHubby]

what was the context around the conversation? did she give any reason behind asking you to make the trip? what did you say, apart from that you couldnt?

She wanted to start preparing for the corona virus.  I asked if I could do anything from where I was and she said no.  I needed to come home to which I said I can not physically do it.  She then got upset yelling at me that I was a coward and other explicit names.  This also so happened to occur after we hadn’t talked for two weeks because I was in bad camp from the fore mentioned events.

I do believe she needs me and truly struggles with expressing it.

[Rev]

I do believe she needs me and truly struggles with expressing it.

Hi H,

I do believe you are correct.  She does need you, and she likely does not express it easily or well.  My ex would consistently say that she needed me and was thankful for me. And then lash out hours later.

With all the respect and wanting you to work this out, might I ask you a question. What is it about her that you "need"? 

Are you familiar with the work of John Gottman?  If you are really wanting to get to a place where you are reversing a breakup, you will need to bring your relationship within earshot of what he advocates as healthy couples' communication - understanding and accepting the BPD represents a major handicap in healthy couples' communication. 

Good luck my friend. People here are rooting for you.

Rev