Struggling

[johnh5152]

I am struggling  and need support because I feel like my relationship with my wife is not getting better. Over the course of our relationship (27 years) we have had our ups and downs. 2.5 years ago we separated. She threw me out because I was a addicted to porn and webcam sex. I see now that our behaviors reinforced each other. I have been in recovery for the same amount of time. I lied almost constantly in my addiction. I have struggled to become honest in my recovery. I am fairly convinced I was cod-dependent and used the porn to cope with what my relationship was lacking, connection, support, and understanding. We were totally dysfunctional but managed to raise two great kids 15 and 19. They know about my addiction generally and that I am in recovery. At the same time my wife has been dealing with PTSD since we separated. Now that she has worked through much of it her behaviors have seemed  to stabilize in BPD traits.
She used to shame, criticize, and emotionally abuse me. Now she has started to focus on my son and my daughter whenever she doesn't get things her way. Yesterday she said, "I am starting to think I am toxic" I listened. She went on talking about her and the kids and then she became upset because I didn't respond to what she said. It is critical to our relationship that I am honest with her. I said, "I don't think you are toxic. But I do think you push people away some times." When she became upset that I didn't disagree with her strongly enough. Today she accused me of lying because she said I said something I didn't remember. Then when she said it again I remembered. It was because I lost my glasses and said I liked my backup pair better. It seems like every discussion, especially if we get close to her responsibility, ends with "but you lied to me for 15 years". She is so good at twisting and spinning things it is hard to have an honest dialog. 
I don't want to abandon her during this covid crisis. I do want to be with her but the more I learn about BPD the less hope I have that she will ever be able to provide the relationship I am looking for. I feel like giving up.

Thanks,
John

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