Help Prioritizing

[UBPDHelp]

Per FF’s suggestion (thank you), looking for help prioritizing finances.

Might be wise to start a new thread and list out bills and options, we can kick around the best way forward on them.

Big picture:  If there is an option for your family to retain cash and "get room", I have a hard time imagining that you should pass that up.

Mortgage — in his name.
     Request postponement or to have 2-3 months added to back end. Largest expense, no income going on 2 months. I’ve already paid one month from my money (last month). Do I pay this and regroup on postponing next month to have more time to see where we are?

Cable/internet — paid this month. Will probably keep doing. Need internet. He needs tv to stay sane so don’t want to fuel him.

Car 1 — got extension for couple months; added to end

Car 2 — probably will do same. This is a work expense but I “click the pay button”. Idk if the office can pay, but if they can would rather not extend. Don’t know without asking him. Again likely trigger him.

Life insurance I think are keeping active but it is autopay and will keep doing.

Car insurance will pay; they are auto processing rebate for not driving.

Health insurance I have no control over, through his work. No idea if paying but I think they have to keep in place for 60 days even in non payment.

Garbage is small so will pay. Groceries are a no brainer.

Electric will also pay.

So I guess it’s really just the mortgage BUT it’s in his name. I usually facilitate the actual payment.

Appreciate any ideas.

[UBPDHelp]

I am debating pros and cons of giving H options via text.

He seems in a better spot but we are avoiding each other. He is jovial and talkative to our adult son.

I am torn because the mortgage is in his name. He’s not concerned or addressing anything. I don’t know if he doesn’t care, is securing funds, thinks I’m just going to pay it or is just not functioning in the real world.

I don’t care what happens to his credit (I mean I do, but only so much I can or am willing to do).  But, it’s a roof over all of our heads. I just can’t fathom what he’s thinking.

I also have my middle son’s rent. School closed but he was in an apartment. I have a couple of days before incurring a fee. I reached out to them to see if they are making any accommodations for the students (university housing is refunding room and board).  I have not heard back yet. I know it puts them in a pinch, too, but hard to pay when other things are more important. Down side is it’s in sons name so his clean credit will take a hit.

Appreciate any suggestions.

And any help on possibly sending the least likely to trigger text possible. Thanks!

[babyducks]

a couple of questions.    well okay a whole bunch of questions.   

are there enough funds to cover the mortgage out of the account you normally use?    will that wipe out that account?  are you using your own separate account?   

for me I would keep your own separate account for in case of emergency,.. in case you need to exit rapidly.  protect that.

what do you think the text message should say?     I would go with BIFF.   Brief.  short short simple simple .    Informative.   the mortgage is due X.   the balance in the account is Y.    Firm.  Pay it or not? (I am deliberately removing the words 'you' and 'I' to be less triggering)  Friendly  Thanks.

it seems unlikely that you are going to get through this episode without some dings to the credit rating.      I would consider that the small stuff and let it slide.     there isn't going to a single path through this that solves all problems.   

in regards to the son's rent.     Rent laws have been impacted by the last stimulus bill and state and local changes due to the pandemic.    You might want to google.

[UBPDHelp]

a couple of questions.    well okay a whole bunch of questions.   

are there enough funds to cover the mortgage out of the account you normally use?    will that wipe out that account?  are you using your own separate account? 

I have a separate account.

I funded the joint account with my money last month b/c H said he might have to put money in business this month and I was preparing. That hasn’t happened and I don’t really plan to at this point. So, I could pay it from joint that is money from my account, but technically there is no money in our usual operating account.  I did just order groceries.

for me I would keep your own separate account for in case of emergency,.. in case you need to exit rapidly.  protect that.

I have this and he knows it so I think he figures I will deplete this to keep us afloat. I wouldn’t even consider it my money except for his telling me it’s over. Am I really supposed to deplete all I have if he’s doing nothing?

what do you think the text message should say?     I would go with BIFF.   Brief.  short short simple simple .    Informative.   the mortgage is due X.   the balance in the account is Y.    Firm.  Pay it or not? (I am deliberately removing the words 'you' and 'I' to be less triggering)  Friendly  Thanks.

it seems unlikely that you are going to get through this episode without some dings to the credit rating.      I would consider that the small stuff and let it slide.     there isn't going to a single path through this that solves all problems.

I don’t know how to start.  Just go right in or a short segway?   

The mortgage is due. There is currently not enough to cover it. Request forbearance or not? Thanks.

Segway — Need input on bills coming up.  ?

I will try to figure out how to pay smaller stuff based on his reply. I fully expect it to be an onslaught of rage but I guess my thinking is if he’s not functioning in reality and I have to take the reins on this, I can show I tried and what his response is.

This may set us back even further as if that was even possible!

Open to tweaks.

in regards to the son's rent.     Rent laws have been impacted by the last stimulus bill and state and local changes due to the pandemic.    You might want to google.

Yes, I’ve reached out hoping initially they would be understanding before having to get tough about it. Son still has stuff there but can’t get to it until  we can move about. So paying rent on clothes. Ugh.

Thanks BabyDucks. A lot to juggle alone and under pandemic/marriage stress!

[babyducks]

I don’t know how to start.  Just go right in or a short segway?   

The mortgage is due. There is currently not enough to cover it. Request forbearance or not? Thanks.

Segway — Need input on bills coming up.  ?

right now I would say no segway.      here is why.    'Bills' are obligations you have jointly.     avoid the emotional connection to 'bills' and the joint connection.    'Input' is a request for him to acknowledge his obligations.    He isn't functioning at that level.    that's an invite to a rage response... "my input is for you to  "     don't give him openings to rage.     keep this as simple and as non emotional as you can.

Mortgage is a generic legal connection.  don't use the phrase... the house payment.   mortgage is a lot less emotionally loaded.    keep it down to one topic at a time.   Not all bills... one bill...   the mortgage.     

see what I am aiming at?

simple simple simple.    short short short.     

[UBPDHelp]

Hi BabyDucks,

Yes, that was the kind of direction I was looking for.

FF made a suggestion on the other thread but asked that I hold off so others could weigh in. If you have a moment, could you through you two cents (I love your two cents, btw!).

[UBPDHelp]

I also wanted to quickly share the possible outcomes I foresee with this.

1. He tells me to pay it out of my money.

     Facts -  I paid last month out of that money as well as a lot of other bills b/c he hasn’t brought home any money since end of February and he was missing a week or two by then.

    So response to paying from me?  That was what happened last month and it is not a long term resolution. Would you like to request a deferment or not?

2. He tells me he doesn’t give a sh!t, they can take the house.

     Fact — he’s said this before when money has been tight.

    Response? Let’s request the deferment so we have time to think about it.

3. Absolutely ignores me.


4. Agrees to trying to defer. I fall of my chair and respond ok.

Thought this info might help. Love any input.

[babyducks]

1. He tells me to pay it out of my money.

he can tell you to pay it out of your money.   doesn't mean you have to do it.    it depends on what you think is best for the family right now. 

    So response to paying from me?  That was what happened last month and it is not a long term resolution.  I can pay another month or I can not pay another month.   Would you like to request a deferment or not?

 

2. He tells me he doesn’t give a sh!t, they can take the house.

my guess is this one.   

    

    Response? Let’s request the deferment so we there is time to think about it.

[UBPDHelp]

Hi BabyDucks,

The “I don’t give a sh!t” is my best guess too.

If that’s the case, can I say:  If I don’t hear otherwise by tomorrow, I will submit a request for deferment?

LMK what you think. Thanks!

[formflier]

OK, having read both threads my "vote" is not to bring this up to him. 

Try to get the deferment on the mortgage.  You may or may not be able to pull it off without his input.

If it's all web based, you may not need to get him on the phone.

If it turns out you need his involvement, then that answers the questions about "involving" him.


Best,

FF

[formflier]

I also strongly agree with other suggestions to "protect your stash". 

I would not spend any more out of that "stash" unless that spending is getting you out of the situation with your hubby.

Very important to NOT let yourself get "boxed in".

Best,

FF

[UBPDHelp]

I also strongly agree with other suggestions to "protect your stash". 

I would not spend any more out of that "stash" unless that spending is getting you out of the situation with your hubby.

Very important to NOT let yourself get "boxed in".

Thanks FF, this is my fear. I need to balance what HAS TO be done with not depleting all my money. It is tough not knowing what he’s doing.

[formflier]

Thanks FF, this is my fear. I need to balance what HAS TO be done with not depleting all my money. It is tough not knowing what he’s doing.

I'm not seeing "balance".  Why spend any of your stash when there is not a method to "refill" it.

OK...I suppose  the amount matters or the percentage, but still...I hate to see you dip in there for purposes other than getting yourself out of the current situation.

Best,

FF

[UBPDHelp]

I'm not seeing "balance".  Why spend any of your stash when there is not a method to "refill" it.

OK...I suppose  the amount matters or the percentage, but still...I hate to see you dip in there for purposes other than getting yourself out of the current situation.

Hi FF,

By getting out of the current situation do you mean the marriage or the current financial situation?

I am trying to buy a bit of time on a couple of things and planning how to address in a less damaging way. H and his partner I believe are close to getting some funds to address some work finances, which in turn could alleviate personal finances a bit.  Question will be if he gets some funds, will he share them with family or will he keep for himself (leaving $)?

FYI, I don’t know exactly what this looks like because of course we haven’t discussed, but he talks as loud as he listens to the tv so couldn’t help but kind of hear some discussion. Interestingly his partner is doing all the leg work too, but around this call is when his mood seemed to lift slightly and he started returning things to the kitchen.

Anyway, please clarify where you stand. Please know that I completely understand these are just opinions, I’m not holding anyone to anything (apparently not even myself), but still searching for a normal viewpoint for myself.

Thank you!

[formflier]

I would spend ZERO of your "emergency" money on "buying time".

What happens if you buy time, are out of money and then need to leave.

Substitute "buying time" for "releasing pressure" on your hubby.  Why do that? 

Wouldn't it be best for him to work through the actual impact of his decisions?  Otherwise, how will he ever improve if people are always "covering" for him?

These are all general principles and I suppose it matters the amount of cash we are talking about.

If you have $100k and you are talking about using $1k to buy a couple months of relief...well...that's probably wise, especially if you are improving yourself and your tools.

If you have $1000 and you are talking about using half of that to get a couple of weeks "relief", I can' imagine that being a wise use of $500.

Resist the urge to solve "his" problems!

Best,

FF

[UBPDHelp]

I would spend ZERO of your "emergency" money on "buying time".

What happens if you buy time, are out of money and then need to leave.

Substitute "buying time" for "releasing pressure" on your hubby.  Why do that? 

Wouldn't it be best for him to work through the actual impact of his decisions?  Otherwise, how will he ever improve if people are always "covering" for him?

These are all general principles and I suppose it matters the amount of cash we are talking about.

If you have $100k and you are talking about using $1k to buy a couple months of relief...well...that's probably wise, especially if you are improving yourself and your tools.

If you have $1000 and you are talking about using half of that to get a couple of weeks "relief", I can' imagine that being a wise use of $500.

Resist the urge to solve "his" problems!

I agree. Supposedly we were a “team” but as soon as the going gets tough, he crumbles and everything is on me.

I don’t want to solve his problems, but housing becomes OUR problem. I have a deadline set for next week to hear back on options AND see what he brings to the table. And then, I may end up buying another month. Will just need to see how things come together.

And finances somewhere in the middle. But, it’s also turned into the second month. Last month I thought I was covering until he got caught up (it’s happened before) but he just stopped working.

I guess if I look at it like I’m buying time for ME to figure out what to do, it might be more tolerable.

Stay tuned.

[formflier]

Do you guys rent or pay a mortgage?

Have you ever been late before?

Best,

FF

[UBPDHelp]

Do you guys rent or pay a mortgage?

Have you ever been late before?

Hi FF,

Mortgage and yes, we’ve been late before. I’ve reached out to see what options there are. H is working on some pay sources from what I’ve overheard (not intentional, I said before he is loud). So between options and knowing he’s trying to get money, I may approach with options. Hopefully that can at least offset it all being mine.

I’m sure he’ll blame me for it, even though he hasn’t worked in going on the second month (I personally know 5-6 people in his profession who are still working, even from home) AND it was his set up to take care of paying for most bills and I took care of household.

Decisions forthcoming.