Does your child know.the.have an illness?

[Overwhelmed73]

Hello
This is my 2nd.post
 I just had a hard night with my 21 yr old
Drt. I find.it increasingly more difficult to have  a conversation with her about anything to.do with respect,house rules.or.just my feelings.  Maybe I dont say.things right or.have.tone.when i speak
 I dont know. I have so much anger and.feel like i can't say anything right. My question is.do others.have.this issue and how. Do you deal with it. Also does your loved one know or aware they have  mental illness? My daughter has.not been
Officially diagnosed.  And when.ive.said maybe look up the traits - she won't and says she find
 But the hardest part is her 11 year.brother hears how.she.speaks to me Nd.is starting to  copy her. I am in a crisis mode and.need.help. please someone help me
 Also need a.direction on where.to.get more one.on one.help.
Tahnks

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

Welcome.  You are in the right place and we understand.  I am sorry you are going through this with your daughter.  I'll cut to the chase and suggest  therapy for you and or even you and your son- I am not sure of your finances/ health insurance especially during the pandemic.  Helping yourself first is the key ( although it is counter-intuitive) . 
 Many of us here also go to 12 step meetings for family members ( al anon, nar anon, Coda, etc..) as these help us put the focus on ourselves. There are online meetings.
In addition, may I recommend you learning all you can about BPD by reading the suggested books mentioned in the library here.  One popular book is " Stop walking on Eggshells"
Yes, many BPD don't realize they are ill and think everyone else is the problem.  That in itself is part of their brain that does a malfunction, preventing them from having the insight to see they need help. 
A link from this forum may help https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict.
I am sure others will chime in, and please write back as you are able.

[Blueskyday]

My daughter told me that she was given a diagnosis but despite saying she has mental health issues rejects BPD outright.

She thinks that I am the problem. She has a favourite person who validates her and encourages her. Since this person showed up its been good and bad for my dtr and Grandchild. Since she showed up I have been slowly dropped and ultimately discarded.

I too have codependent issues. I think mine are really bad though.

Sorry I have no practical advice but wanted to say welcome and you are not alone

[Overwhelmed73]

Thank you and I too have extreme co dependent issues.  Not only am I going through this with my daughter I have a husband who is a severe alcoholic and is currently in rehab.  So I feel your pain. And YOU too are not alone .

[Blueskyday]

 

[Bandiro]

I’m not sure if my D knows she has BPD. She has seen 3 different therapists, but she doesn’t tell me what goes on in her sessions (other than to inform me that all her therapists have told her that all her issues are my fault). I have started seeing a therapist that works closely with D’s current therapist, and I have given my Therapist permission to discuss my case with D’s therapist. My therapist is pretty certain that D has BPD, so hopefully she has brought that to the attention of D’s therapist so a diagnosis can be made and treatment started (if it hasn’t already). Unfortunately, D is refusing therapy right now because she doesn’t want to do tele-therapy, so hopefully she will start again when face to face therapy can resume.

It is next to impossible for me to have any kind of conversation with my D. She responds with 1 word answers (if she bothers to respond at all). If I bring up a topic she doesn’t want to talk about (getting school work done, helping around the house), the “conversation” will escalate to her yelling at me in a matter of seconds. So I mostly ignore her and she mostly ignores me and stays in her room, and that is how we coexist. It’s pretty sad and it breaks my heart.

[Overwhelmed73]

My daughter has also stopped seeing therapist as she wont do it over.the.ph either. It actually amazes me how many similarities I've seen in behaviour since being on this site. I've always assumed that it was me that couldn't effectively communicate with daughter.  Not to day I dont need help with learning how to better communicate but so wonderful to know it's not just me.

[Blueskyday]

I think the problem is for a lot of therapists is that the patient truly believes their version of events on one level. This to a therapist who doesnt understand BPD is I think is often a very sad victim who is misunderstood.

On another level I think when patients are not distracted they see the reality of their personality traits. This leads to guilt or fear or anxiety or all of them. They have to either extinguish this with a substance or sex or another person.

I have noticed with my dtr that she can cut someone to the quick, verbally reject them and then after the fact relay to me what she saw happen. She would say the friend was aggressive for eg. and putting her down.
What I saw was a conversation which she steered down a negative path. The friend was then all bad until someone else bacame badder...usually me.
This has been going on for 20yrs in my case.

Therapists are often empaths and why wouldn't they believe this poor tortured soul in front of them.

It is a conundrum ..Our children think we are out to get them. We are often cast as the enemy determined to snuff out their personalities.

My dtr said to me that we were fine until she developed an opinion of her own.