Teenage daughter with BPD

[Hope2020]

My daughter has BDP. I feel like I am watching a person slowly fall apart. We have had her counseling with different counselors. She says she wants help but then down plays everything and doesn't work on helping herself. She has been suicidal, anxious and depressed. She has a hair pulling disorder. She won't go to a residential care facility but doesn't qualify for one that isn't voluntary. She has abused drugs and alcohol. She has sold them to afford her habit. She steals, lies, has been suspended from school. We set boundaries to keep her safe. We work with her counselors. Nothing seems to help. Her current counselor says we just have to stay consistent, set boundaries, stay calm. We do keep doing this but it seems to get harder like there is no end in sight. Our daughter is just counting the days until she is old enough to move out. She self harms just enough to help her pain but not enough to take her to get help. She has friends but then pushes them away. Each day I try to wake up strong and hopeful but right now I'm struggling. How are we going to keep doing this?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi Hope2020:
Welcome!  I'm so sorry about the situation with your daughter.  I can't imagine what you are going through, but others here have similar situations.  Hopefully, a few are able to join in on your thread.

Unfortunately, we can't help others who don't want help.  Setting boundaries (that you have control over & can enforce) & self-care are 2 important things for you right now.

Is your daughter employable?  How would she support herself, when she moves out?

Have you found some ways to manage your stress & practice some self-care?

[livednlearned]

My daughter has BDP. I feel like I am watching a person slowly fall apart.

Hi Hope2020, welcome and hello. How old is your daughter? Does she accept her BPD dx?

I didn't think my step daughter would ever make it through the darkest of her darkest times (she had a psychotic episode at 16 and is considered chronically suicidal). Somehow she managed to finish college and is now a special ed teacher, living independently.

BPD is considered by some experts to peak at 16 and now that my stepdaughter is 23, I can kind of see that. I think the fears of adulthood (a massive step toward individuation) and the desperate need to cling (fear of abandonment) are so huge for these extraordinarily sensitive kids. They want what they are so ill equipped for, and the swirl of emotions is overwhelming, and their skill deficit is enormous.

Is there a DBT outpatient clinic nearby? Sometimes there are tiered programs and services to cater to the different levels of severity (and resistance).

Even if your daughter is not willing to get therapy, I can't say enough about how helpful it is to focus on your own relationship and communication skills. The ones I learned here have helped me land the plane more than once in my blended family, which hasn't been easy with a BPD step daughter.

Hang in there and have hope, like your name says  . Your daughter may not give you immediate relief but she will internalize that hope for when she's ready, whenever that may be.