It makes no sense to me.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

How can they exaggerate things to a ridiculously serious level and even distort facts? How can she block and never contact back after everything we did as if nothing ever happened after spending everyday togheter for almost a year. Its just inhuman to me. Ive never been treated this way. How can obsesive love turn into total indiference in a matter of hours?. Ive never even felt she could do anything like this never made me jealous or threatened with leaving or even talked about it. How can she even be happy to do all this as if i were a villian just for saying something that bothered her. How can all the efforts and love i gave mean nothing? There are moments when i feel like im over it and the thought of her sudden cutoff strikes me as if i have to do something. But there is nothing to do. I get it is a mental ilness. But i just want to understand how can someone so clingy detach in a day and never look back. I cant fit any sense to that. Maybe i dont have to understand why. But being in lockdown chased by these thoughts make it even harder. I cant keep concentration on reading or working. When i try to do something its in the back of my head.

[Martin 123]

How can they exaggerate things to a ridiculously serious level and even distort facts? How can she block and never contact back after everything we did as if nothing ever happened after spending everyday togheter for almost a year. Its just inhuman to me. Ive never been treated this way. How can obsesive love turn into total indiference in a matter of hours?. Ive never even felt she could do anything like this never made me jealous or threatened with leaving or even talked about it. How can she even be happy to do all this as if i were a villian just for saying something that bothered her. How can all the efforts and love i gave mean nothing? There are moments when i feel like im over it and the thought of her sudden cutoff strikes me as if i have to do something. But there is nothing to do. I get it is a mental ilness. But i just want to understand how can someone so clingy detach in a day and never look back. I cant fit any sense to that. Maybe i dont have to understand why. But being in lockdown chased by these thoughts make it even harder. I cant keep concentration on reading or working. When i try to do something its in the back of my head.

[alittleawkward]

There are so, so many reasons for why BPDs behave the way they do.
Some have a different brain make up, where different parts of their brain are physically smaller or larger then the typical one, controlling the release of chemicals and control of emotions in what can be found as incomprehensible to a 'normal' person.

Others have had abuse throughout their childhood and have learnt through growing up that the best defence mechanism is to act emotionally all the time, regardless of the consequences that their actions may have.

Many BPDs may have affects of both. There is scepticism that BPD is something that you develop through childhood, but it may also be genetic, or have effects from both.

The fundamental understanding to get your head round is BPDs don't necessarily take into account the consequences their actions will have in the moment. They are just acting the way they are to ensure that they don't hurt - they have to be in control which often includes them acting in extreme ways, but this comes from a lack of rational thinking and overpowering emotions. More often than not if a BPD acts in a particularly horrible way they are humiliated and hurt just as much, or even more-so than the receiver of the actions, but to lessen the pain they don't own up to these things, ignore their actions like they never happened, or even flip the situation so they become the victim. BPD's are said to be in a constant state of emotional turmoil; they literally see the world as a plain of extremes, everything is good, or bad, no 'ok'.

Lockdown might be a good time for you to do a little bit of reading on BPD. I found it really helped me get my head round a lot of my exes actions. I strongly recommend 'the big book on borderline personality disorder', and 'walking on eggshells'.

[teawoman5]

Yes it makes absolutely no sense. Often with a "normal" breakup you can use reason and understanding to help process it. With BPD it defies all logic. You suddenly become a villian or enemy for no reason. In the end devaluation isn't really based on anything external. It's about internal stuff going on with the pwBPD.

Maybe this offers some insight. My BPD ex told me after our break up that he dated someone for 1.5 years and one day this person made an offhand joke about paying a bill. It was a completely normal joke, not rude or offensive in any way. But he still convinced himself that she was a terrible person and he could never be with someone like her. He said that it wasn't about the joke rather he was looking for an excuse to leave. Probably because he felt emotionally dysregulated and had already gotten to the point of devaluing the relationship in his mind. In retelling this story, he had literally no empathy for how confused, hurt and blindsided she must have felt.

Things just don't connect with pwBPD. They cause a lot of damage to those around them. It must be difficult to focus right now. Writing in a journal can be really helpful.

[daze507]

To add to that story, I also made a joke about my ex uBPD, granted , it was a very bad joke made at the worst moment ever but it was still a joke. This was when I still had not seen what was behind the mask, I thought I was dealing with an ultra confident woman and I was far from thinking that the reality was actually the exact opposite.
No matter how much I apologized, she brought up that story for three consecutive days, it was almost like I had cheated on her or something. I know for a fact that this is one of the three "major" triggers that started my devaluation.

[Martin 123]

Thanks for the help. Ive been reding lots about bpd. I feel i should have noticed there was something wrong but it was so well masked and i also felt my ego inflated by all the idealization. I just wish i could forget everything.

[Martin 123]

During our last week together i could sense something was off. She would get more upset easily by comments. Then it was all projection towards the end. She would treat me in a passive aggressive way and when i finally reacted it was her excuse to break up and feel as she was escaping an abuser.

[daze507]

You must try (I know it's incredibly not easy) not to take everything personally and not be hard on yourself, we've all been fooled. Like teawoman said, it had nothing to do with you, it's because they are broken inside and at some point, they just snap.