When do I accommodate and when do I draw the line?

[Parents! Get help here!]

Dear Group: I need a support group because dealing with issues surrounding my daughter's pain is getting harder and harder. For years we dealt with OCD, health anxiety OCD, and then severe depression. Now, in these new months, it turns out there is BPD. Honestly, I was still learning about OCD, and now a whole new revelation about the problems being connected to BPD has me starting all over again in the journey to know how much accommodation I need to make and where I need to draw the line. I  had been a stay-at-home Mom and my daughter is 21 now but I feel like her problems and pain is becoming my full-time occupation. With the corona virus situation, my son, 28, and my daughter both had to move back in the house and the new living situation is bringing out all kinds of issues. For example, my son has a wonderful girlfriend and has just become engaged. As soon as travel restrictions were lifted, his fiancee has come for a 4-day visit, after they had been separated for a couple of months due to corona virus stay-at-home guidelines. When the fiancee arrived, my daughter had a panic attack, and refused to meet my son's fiancee. She has been hiding in her room upstairs and in my brother-in-law's apartment, which is in our house. We have been bringing her food and visiting her and showing affection and support. She now wants me to "kick her out," (the fiancee) and wants them to meet outside, because it triggers her pain. I have no idea what to do. I do not know how much accommodation is required in a situation like this. I am feeling angry at my daughter because of having to be in a position like this -- feeling as if I have to choose between my daughter and my son's happiness and peace --  even though I know she is wrestling with immense pain and suffering that is coming from being ill and not her fault. I am hoping that this group, along with some books I have just bought on BPD, will be enlightening and helpful for me, and through that, helpful to my daughter. FWIW my daughter is in therapy with a very good therapist (for years).  Thanks for listening.

[Harmonium]

Dear Group: I need a support group because dealing with issues surrounding my daughter's pain is getting harder and harder. For years we dealt with OCD, health anxiety OCD, and then severe depression. Now, in these new months, it turns out there is BPD. Honestly, I was still learning about OCD, and now a whole new revelation about the problems being connected to BPD has me starting all over again in the journey to know how much accommodation I need to make and where I need to draw the line. I  had been a stay-at-home Mom and my daughter is 21 now but I feel like her problems and pain is becoming my full-time occupation. With the corona virus situation, my son, 28, and my daughter both had to move back in the house and the new living situation is bringing out all kinds of issues. For example, my son has a wonderful girlfriend and has just become engaged. As soon as travel restrictions were lifted, his fiancee has come for a 4-day visit, after they had been separated for a couple of months due to corona virus stay-at-home guidelines. When the fiancee arrived, my daughter had a panic attack, and refused to meet my son's fiancee. She has been hiding in her room upstairs and in my brother-in-law's apartment, which is in our house. We have been bringing her food and visiting her and showing affection and support. She now wants me to "kick her out," (the fiancee) and wants them to meet outside, because it triggers her pain. I have no idea what to do. I do not know how much accommodation is required in a situation like this. I am feeling angry at my daughter because of having to be in a position like this -- feeling as if I have to choose between my daughter and my son's happiness and peace --  even though I know she is wrestling with immense pain and suffering that is coming from being ill and not her fault. I am hoping that this group, along with some books I have just bought on BPD, will be enlightening and helpful for me, and through that, helpful to my daughter. FWIW my daughter is in therapy with a very good therapist (for years).  Thanks for listening.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Jen2020]

Hi Harmonium,

I'm no expert, nor do I have the knowledge of what level of crisis your child my be in.  So no advice here.  I just want to let you know that I understand how horrible it is to have a family that is held hostage to this illness and I can relate to the terrible situation it has put you and your family in.  I know how bad things can get and how excruciating it is trying to figure out where to stand your ground without endangering your self-destructive child.  I just keep telling myself "one day at a time". 

I'm glad that you, like me, are now reaching out for help and some kind of support system.  I know it's helped me to hear similar stories if nothing else.  My daughter is finally willing to go into a extended residential treatment facility with an intensive DBT focus, so I am in the process of trying to work that out. DBT appears to be the gold standard for BPD.

I truly hope you are able to work through the next few days successfully.

[Harmonium]

Thank you for your response, Jen2020. I feel a sense of relief to have been seen and heard by someone who understands. I feel afraid of making a wrong move and making the problem worse instead of better. Today I felt very strongly that I didn't want to be held hostage by this illness and I'm determined to learn what I can, can't, should, shouldn't do. I feel like I'm being bullied by BPD.  I love my daughter immensely and I fear she will end up leaving us in some way.

[Modesty68]

Hello Harmonium!
I am also visiting this site for the first time today. My daughter (20) is recently diagnosed with BPD, but she has OCD and eating disorder from many years back.
I am not an expert at all. My daughters boyfriend left for vacation and it turned out he was not able to return to her due to korona. That left her in a total crisis; it seems that the feeling of getting left by someone is so, so hard for borderliners. Could that be the thing happening with your family right now? That she feels that she is left emotionally by her brother because he is getting a fiancee? If that could be the case, is it someway he can assure her that he will still be her brother?

I also recommend the podcasts made by Charlie Swenson. They are about DBT, but his voice are so comforting, I really love to listen to them!

[Harmonium]

Dear Modesty68 -- Thanks for sharing your situation with me. We will check out the Charlie Swensen podcasts you recommended.  They sound helpful. As we further discussed things, the issue seems to be that my daughter has trauma concerning seeing happy couples being affectionate together. It is not personal to her brother, but her own issue. It has something to do with her feelings about herself not being worthy of having a love relationship. The reaction is understandable but it is the intensity and degree of reaction which is over-the-top and scary. Like she feels so bad about it that she wants to kill herself (suicide ideation, but not in danger of doing it).  So, her therapist told us the other day that it is not unreasonable for her to ask that her brother and his now-fiancee meet elsewhere. This has been a process of discussion for us all in the house. Because I have feelings about being deprived of the joy of being around the happy couple, it gets in the way of my being empathetic to what she is going through. I also have to fight against the temptation to view her as an obstacle to having what I want, which is a happy normal experience of welcoming a new person into our family. I also have a bit of denial of this diagnosis I am struggling with. My daughter desperately wants me to believe that her pain over this is true and severe, but there is a part of me that cannot accept it. It is probably this failure of mine to believe and trust what the other person says is their true experience that is part of the problem to begin with. But from what I understand, it is important for me to put my emotional needs aside in order to help my daughter get well. Evidently because I did not do this properly or enough in the past, while she was growing up, it has contributed to the problems she's having now. I have so many mixed feelings about this. As I am growing to understand more, even in just a few days, I'm beginning to see how much I have to deal with my own stuff in order to be part of the healing and recovery.

[Modesty68]

I understand your frustration so much, really. I am so often thinking; is just a normal, boring life too much to ask for?
Then I try to think of other families with members with severe physical illnesses. And then I think; yes, maybe is it too much to ask for. The thing with physical illnesses or injuries though are that they are visible and easier to understand and to get understanding from others.
Last winter I read Valerie Porrs book Overcoming borderline personality disorders. I really recommend that book as well. What i liked most about it was that it helped me so much to understand that my daughter isn't creating a hellish situation because she is mean, but because she is ill.
I think there must be a solution where we in many situations must put our own wishes aside, but that we must save some situations for ourselves and our own wishes. Or else we will vanish and that is not good for anyone.