Divorce

[madmac27]

Hey Everyone!

It has been awhile since I've been here. Missing you guys and your support.

I do have a question. I am just 7 months post discard and I am moving forward with divorce. I do not have to wait for the mandatory year as my spouses cheating nulls that law. What can I expect moving forward? I cant imagine any of it will be good.

Any advice or stories would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks so much!

[kells76]

Welcome back madmac27, good to hear from you again. Glad we can be here to support you!

I looked through your previous posts a bit. Sounds like your xW has kids with her ex -- is that right? Did you end up saying anything in court?

In terms of what to expect... given that you guys don't have kids together, that will take a lot of pressure off. Probably "expect the unexpected" (and illogical), and "plan for the worst, hope for the best" are pretty good rules to live by in this process, though.

She may do and say things to "prove" that she is better and you are worse. My DH's xW, in a legal complaint, said that DH cheated on his taxes and that she was amazed he could keep a job after people accused him of sexual harassment. Be ready for the worst stuff. pwBPD are often pretty emotionally attuned, so she may have an idea of what kinds of accusations would be deeply hurtful to you. And then say it, unfortunately.

Do you have a friend or family member who can help you filter through anything she may try to send your way? So you can get less triggered, get to a calm place, and decide whether you actually have to respond? I'm thinking there may be some actual tasks to wrap up (disentangling credit cards, car insurance, leases, etc), so your xW might send stuff like: "madmac27, you're literally scum, you are awful, I'll pay for credit cards A & B if you do C & D, I hate you, you were always the worst, blah, blah, blah". Having someone sift through that and get to what needs to be done (dividing credit card debt) instead of getting bogged down in defending or refuting her craziness could help.

Do you have a lawyer?

We're here for you, whenever you feel like posting again;

kells76

[livednlearned]

Wow. You've been through a lot, and she does seem to have dysregulated pretty severely like you describe in past posts.

Are you continuing to see the same behavior from her as when she moved out?

What are your biggest concerns now about divorcing her? And once you file for divorce?

Glad you're here for support. These are tough divorces to go through without people who have been there.

[madmac27]

Thank you kells76 and livednlearned

No children. Just debt, lots of debt on my credit. For budget purposes I was keeping track of spending. Looking at it now she went crazy. The discard alone cost me $7000.00. Probably in the area of $20,000.00 all in. The law here states that she is responsible for half that debt. Everything else has been split. I just let her take what she wanted and I dealt with the rest. She left her sons things behind as he is special needs and she signed over custody to the government.( another story for another time) I kept these things in storage until last week. It was the first time I reached out since the discard. I explained she needed to come get these things in storage or they were going to the dump. She actually agreed but brought the police playing the victim. The cop wasn't buying it and kept things calm. Thank God she did! I haven't seen her in months and when I saw her I was overcome with the same intense emotions post early discard. I'm a mess. Feels like I'm back at square one. So your advice getting someone to vet the emails is a fantastic idea!

Yes her ex has both her daughters, while she has a son from another marriage that lived with us. She only has supervised visits now that I am out of the picture and this is all my fault of course.

Yes on speaking in court. Or a signed affidavit actually, with text messages showing her irrational behavior. Her ex asked me if I would do this as her actions and statements on face time visits with her kids were upsetting them. I thought long and hard on this one. I had to be make sure I was doing this for them and not just being vindictive. Yes, vindictiveness was present, but thinking back I remember these kids getting nervous at times and just sticking close to me till their mom base lined at normal again. I had to tell him that was it. It was too much emotionally and a big mistake. I should have just kept moving forward. My therapist tells me that I'm still addicted to the chaos and I totally agree. She didn't take it well being exposed at all. She keyed my truck.

My biggest worry about this divorce are a couple things. The trigger effect of just having to go through this. It takes me right back to square one. I'm not well obviously but I am getting better. I was near suicidal in November. I'm doubting myself as to how I can hold it together through the divorce process. I don't want to fight. I just want to move on before I have a stroke or go crazy. Also, trying to explain BPD to anyone that hasn't been there simply doesn't get it. I've stopped talking to friends about it because they just think it's as simple as two people getting along. How do I find or prepare a lawyer for the dysfunctional circus that is coming?     

Just to keep you up to date (I had to try) I sent her an email just asking for an uncontested divorce. Basically just sign here and get on with your life. I'd much rather eat the debt and pay it off myself then fight with her. It's futile I know but there is always hope. I sent that email 3 days ago and have heard nothing. I'm expecting her to war with me now. I just don't want to fight!I would prefer to heal and move on with my life. A lawyer is going to cost thousands. Money I just don't have with everything going on these days. If I need it I'll find a way. I'll have to. It looks like it's getting worse (once again) before it gets better. I don't know if I have the strength for this. I have been sticking with my therapy but the thought of this dragging out chills my blood.

My friend pointed out that in this jurisdiction in Canada, our province is the only one I can sue her for infidelity. He went to explain that even though the judgement would go in my favor. It wouldn't be about the money but more like leverage to get her to sign off on a uncontested divorce. Thoughts?

All in all I just want it ALL over. Her, her kids, her ex, all of it. I can't be around any of it if I want to be free and move on. The only bright side to all of this is imagining being in isolation with her. I know I wouldn't have made it.

Thanks so much for your advice. I hope that added more insight.

[ForeverDad]

Leverage is good.  People like us Nice Guys and Nice Gals are prone to being so overly fair that we sabotage ourselves when bending over backwards.

Leverage doesn't assure it will turn out better but it is surely better than not having any leverage for better behavior.  Something is better than nothing.

In my experience, I realized that giving my ex choices, such as during an attempted negotiation, made her flame out.  So I learned not to 'help' her by offering a list of options.  So it may be better to present the matter as one where "this is what will happen".  Yes, you will likely still experience an extinction burst (raging and wheedling to pressure a retreat) but it may be lessened.

I found that giving my ex choices triggered her.  For example, at one exchange I mentioned an upcoming exchange problem.  I think it was that a holiday and an exchange were almost side-by-side and we'd be at the exchange twice in just a matter of hours.  I had a brainstorm, offer her two favorable options, more favorable to her than what she was rolling around in her head.  Ouch, she replied, "Then I just won't bring him!"  It eventually worked out but I've always remembered that she can trigger or object just because I suggested something logical.  My common sense logic usually doesn't win over her emotional perceptions and triggers.