S5 split my ear open today

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

We went to my best friends house for a day of hanging out and dinner. S5 and I were watching a movie. He’s been wired all day, but that’s nothing out of the ordinary. He has days like that. He’s a toddler. Anyway, out of nowhere, S5 went upside my head with a toy and split my ear pretty good. It took a while to stop the bleeding. I don’t typically spank him, but I popped him on the butt and chewed him out. I didn’t shame him, but I drove it home how what he did was completely unacceptable. To seal his punishment, we left my friends house. He wanted to stay. So did I, but things like that can’t be overlooked. I sent his mom a pic of the rag that I was stopping the bleeding with and told her what happened. That might sound a bit overboard, but his mom sometimes needs to see things because she seldom believes me. I told her that he has already been disciplined for his actions, but that she should talk to him. I also told her to enjoy Mother’s Day with him, but to try to find some space to talk to him about it.

After he was calm, and we were able to talk, he said his brain made him hit me. I’ve been hearing this from him quite a bit lately. He will act out, meltdown and then cry while proclaiming “why did I do this?”. I don’t know if this a way for him to deflect, or if he’s genuinely confused.

I’m seeing escalation. Is this just a boy growing up between homes, or is something brewing in him?

I’ve been trying to subtly talk to him about it. He finally said the words. “I made your ear bleed”. I think that he’s acknowledged it, but I’m still worried. Mostly about his words.

[JNChell]

We went to my best friends house for a day of hanging out and dinner. S5 and I were watching a movie. He’s been wired all day, but that’s nothing out of the ordinary. He has days like that. He’s a toddler. Anyway, out of nowhere, S5 went upside my head with a toy and split my ear pretty good. It took a while to stop the bleeding. I don’t typically spank him, but I popped him on the butt and chewed him out. I didn’t shame him, but I drove it home how what he did was completely unacceptable. To seal his punishment, we left my friends house. He wanted to stay. So did I, but things like that can’t be overlooked. I sent his mom a pic of the rag that I was stopping the bleeding with and told her what happened. That might sound a bit overboard, but his mom sometimes needs to see things because she seldom believes me. I told her that he has already been disciplined for his actions, but that she should talk to him. I also told her to enjoy Mother’s Day with him, but to try to find some space to talk to him about it.

After he was calm, and we were able to talk, he said his brain made him hit me. I’ve been hearing this from him quite a bit lately. He will act out, meltdown and then cry while proclaiming “why did I do this?”. I don’t know if this a way for him to deflect, or if he’s genuinely confused.

I’m seeing escalation. Is this just a boy growing up between homes, or is something brewing in him?

I’ve been trying to subtly talk to him about it. He finally said the words. “I made your ear bleed”. I think that he’s acknowledged it, but I’m still worried. Mostly about his words.

[JNChell]

Am I not giving him enough attention? I understand that rough and tumble play is important between a father and son. Maybe I’m allowing him too much space to take out his aggression. In doing so, I’ve realized that he has a lot of it. I’m trying to teach him through his aggression, but my bloody ear tells me that I’m not doing so well at it. He is surrounded by girls at his mom’s. Nothing against that, but boys need to be boys. I imagine that it’s pretty hard for him.

[UBPDHelp]

Am I not giving him enough attention? I understand that rough and tumble play is important between a father and son. Maybe I’m allowing him too much space to take out his aggression. In doing so, I’ve realized that he has a lot of it. I’m trying to teach him through his aggression, but my bloody ear tells me that I’m not doing so well at it. He is surrounded by girls at his mom’s. Nothing against that, but boys need to be boys. I imagine that it’s pretty hard for him.

Hi JNChell, ouch. I’ve had a kid throw back their head and hit me in the nose. It hurts!

Your son is 5, may just be trying for attention or may know he gets to do “boy” things with dad and doesn’t exactly know where the line is.

Sounds pretty typical to me and add a little bit of unsettled between houses and you’ve got a typical 5 yo boy.

Maybe if he keeps repeating that his brain made him do something bad, take a deep breath, tell him to as well, grab a snack and some quiet. Then just have a calm chat with him to elaborate what he means. Also give some thought to whether you may be “on alert” and seeing more than is there. I know I’ve done this. May not be the case, but I’m extremely sensitive to BPDish behaviors right now.

He may be hearing this expression and applying it in a way that wasn’t intended (like does mom say this when she is behaving poorly and that’s what he thinks you say when you do something bad? I could tell you some funny stories about kids mimicking others, not that this would be funny, but little kids pick up behaviors and phrases).

And, maybe plan some fun rough and tumble with him (bonus tuckering him out) and let him know playing rough is okay but hurting people, especially on purpose is not. Then refocus to fun play.

My guess is he’s seen some discord, but kids, girls and boys, are often just seeing where they fit and how to behave.

Let me know what you think. And definitely let us know how it goes.

[JNChell]

He’s been throwing angry fits since before he could really communicate himself. He was punching a metal trash can before he could complete a sentence. He’s punched and kicked. It’s not a regular thing, but it happens. He explodes. He is very sweet, very caring, but he will explode. During these episodes, I give him space. Lately, he is in tears saying “Why did I do this?”. I’m not convinced that this is 5 year old behavior.

Maybe it’s nurture vs. nature.

[Turkish]

Ask him "are you mad at me?"

Not "why are you mad."

Let him tell you. 

[livednlearned]

Wow, that's pretty insightful for him to recognize that his brain made him do it, especially if he is prone to being or acting impulsive.

Does he get emotional easily?

[JNChell]

Turkish, I think I understand what you’re saying. “Why are you mad?” might make him feel cornered. “Are you mad at me?” gives him space.

[JNChell]

Hello, livednlearned. Yes, he can be very sensitive and present with strong emotions as a result. Often times, I can see him being manipulative with manufactured emotions and actions which is to be expected from a 5 year old, but there are times when he is genuinely losing his temper and acting out. That’s the part that worries me. He’s a very affectionate little man. He ended up feeling very bad about hitting me. It wasn’t because I berated him into those feelings, but he genuinely felt remorse, I think.

I have a hard time navigating things like this. I was raised differently than he is. If I would’ve done that to one of my parents, it would’ve been a very ugly situation.

He’s a very sweet boy, but I believe that he’s struggling with his emotions. He has went into rages before. Loud, uncontrolled screaming. Kicking and punching when I pick him up to take him to his time out. It’s not often, but it happens. I’m worried about things like that escalating.

[I Am Redeemed]

S4 has really big angry emotions, too. Screaming, hitting, throwing things. I've had several convos with his teachers at daycare because he was knocking all the toys in the floor and destroying the whole room when something doesn't go his way.

I started helping him to name his feelings and sought out books and videos for kids that teach them what the different emotions are. He started catching on to that and can now say when he is happy, sad, angry, sleepy. When he tells me what he is feeling, I try to validate whatever emotion it is.

I also started trying to help him find ways to regulate his anger. His teachers are on the same page with me so we can send a consistent message at school or at home. We tell him that if he is angry, it is okay to push his hands against the wall or on the floor, but it is not okay to throw things or dump all the toys out.
Another thing I did was to start teaching him to count in order to calm down. I had to kind of trick him into this. One night he was starting to get upset over something, so I tried distracting him by pretending that I was trying to count out loud and couldn't remember the numbers. After a couple of times of me saying "hmm, I wish I could remember what comes after three" he piped up and said "Four!" So I praised him and said "what's next?" "Five!" And so on. After a couple of weeks of me doing this (and his teachers, too) he got upset one day and stopped himself and said "Mama! I want to count!" So we did, and now he is learning to regulate his emotions. It's a process, but he's learning.

[JNChell]

IAR, thank you! That was pretty awesome to read, and it makes a lot of sense. From my personal POV, mom’s (most) are really good at figuring these things out. Finding effective solutions to ease their children and guide them.

I’m good at validation and praise, but I’m not so good at doing what you’ve described. I’m lucky to successfully diffuse an escalated situation, but that is a quick fix in the moment, not a long term tool.

I appreciate you sharing. I will definitely be trying the counting thing with him. I can see that working.

[I Am Redeemed]

Hey, it's not easy trying to figure out solutions to these things. I only thought of the counting because my own therapist told me that when we are emotionally triggered, it can help to stop and quickly try to solve a math problem (like randomly think what is 27+ 86?). It switches the brain from emotional mode to logical, rational mode and gives the amygdala time to calm down. So, I thought if it works for grownups, it would work for kids, hence, the counting. It switches him from emotional reactive mode to thinking mode and gives him time to calm down.

[livednlearned]

That's good advice about trying to find the words to describe feelings. I wish I had done that with my son, whose teachers described him as having extremely deep emotions when he was your son's age.

Looking back I can see he inherited a sensitive genotype with emotional tendencies much like his dad, but the home I grew up in had no language for emotions, either, so I wasn't much help until later, like when he was around 10 or so. Until then my son seemed to either stuff his feelings or be flooded by them.

In 5th grade he took a pencil one day at school and stabbed it into the chest of a classmate, who was fortunately wearing a thick coat. It was remarkable to watch how the family specialist handled it, encouraging him to feel angry without inflicting harm on others. S10 couldn't remember what made him angry so he seemed to feel ashamed, thinking he was supposed to know why he did it, so the specialist went straight to his emotions and how to manage them.

She spent a lot of time working with him to find words, and then gave him a free pass to leave the classroom when those feelings were coming up. He didn't even have to tell the teacher he was leaving, but he did have to agree to come straight to the specialist's office, even if he didn't have words for what was happening. I don't know how often he did that but I do remember getting calls periodically that he was spending quality time in her office. They would play some kind of board game that was specifically about emotions, anger in particular, but I can't remember the name of it.

[worriedStepmom]

Do you think it's possible that your son might suffer from anxiety?  My son is 10 and has anxiety.  His psychiatrist said the signs often start to be visible around age 5, and then many boys learn to control it a bit, and then it flares again around ages 8 or 9.  These are ages where there's a lot of maturing happening, and it's scary and they can't always control themselves. 

For my son, something will happen that makes him feel bad at himself.  He may feel stupid (because he didn't know how/couldn't do something) or rejected or lonely or jealous or disappointed.  His brain starts a negative feedback loop and eventually he is so overwhelmed that he lashes out to give the feelings an escape. 

Or, it may just be that he doesn't know how to name his emotions and doesn't know how to express them properly.  You might want to think about getting him a therapist.  There are play therapists for kids his age.  My daughter had one at age 5 (anger over our divorce), and it really helped her.

Finally, you mentioned that moms are better at some of this, and that isn't true.  Parenting is hard, and none of us have all of the skills that we need.  You're reaching out here for advice, which is great!  There are also books and online resources and therapists, etc.  I am a very different and much, much better mom now than I was 6 years ago; I had to learn and grow because my son needed more from me.

[ForeverDad]

From my personal POV, mom’s (most) are really good at figuring these things out. Finding effective solutions to ease their children and guide them.

worriedStepmom caught this when she wrote "Finally, you mentioned that moms are better at some of this, and that isn't true.  Parenting is hard, and none of us have all of the skills that we need."

This reminded me how custody and parenting were handled over the decades.  Over the centuries fathers were the recognized head of the household and they got default preference in legal matters.  But that changed gradually in the 1900s with the Tender Years Doctrine, that Mothers were better to raise children.  Courts typically defaulted custody and parenting to Mothers.  (In my own case my then-spouse was facing a Threat of DV charge but she was able to get "default preference to Mother" temp orders for custody and parenting - I had only alternate weekends - for the next two years.)  Slowly during the past 30 years courts have more and more allowed Fathers to challenge Mothers as primary parents.

Yes, men excel at being logically aware and women at being emotionally aware.  But that's a generalization.  We're all individuals and have qualities and traits that can vary quite a bit.  As worriedStepmom encouraged, don't undersell yourself.  Be more confident since you're learning and improving.  Sadly, our disordered ex-spouses remain stuck.