Failed reconciliation

[cosmical]

To my complete surprise, my ldr bpd ex came back following a month of no contact. Against my better judgement I thought I would see where things went (I wish I could say this was a conscious choice, but I am sadly still addicted to this girl - I think addiction is a more accurate word than love). The love bombing was again very apparent from the start... "what did I ever do without you", "I can't stop thinking about you", "you're perfect" etc etc. She knew how to pull my strings to get me back on her side. A very familiar tale, and yet the fool in me started to believe things might be different this time. However, the adoration rapidly tapered off and after only a week I noticed that once again my mere existance seemed to irritate her. Then at the two week mark I suffered the first new onslaught of rage (earlier today). Breakup is surely imminent.

So yeah, bpd ex comes back for a recycle and goes from idolisation to complete despise in the space of two weeks. I'm a little bemused by the whole thing. Like I knew this thing didn't have legs because the relationship was already broken, but two weeks? That's a remarkably fast turnaround. I guess I should count myself lucky that it wasn't longer. I just have a bad feeling she's going to keep coming back and using me as a battery every now and again. I really wish I was strong enough to cut her loose but I'm so addicted. And now I have to isolate for the coronavirus, I really don't want to be stuck at home with my thoughts right now.

Anyway I don't have any specific questions. I just needed to write.

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[once removed]

I just have a bad feeling she's going to keep coming back and using me as a battery every now and again. I really wish I was strong enough to cut her loose but I'm so addicted.

if this is a foregone conclusion, why not post on the Bettering board, learn the tools, and give things a fighting chance?

nothing changes without changes.

what is she raging about? why is breakup imminent? we can help.

[cosmical]

if this is a foregone conclusion, why not post on the Bettering board, learn the tools, and give things a fighting chance?

nothing changes without changes.

what is she raging about? why is breakup imminent? we can help.

I don't think it matters exactly why she was raging, but I do know I can respond better to it in the future if I get that opportunity (I found out that I was JADEing without realizing it).


Why do I think breakup is imminent? Well she came back and treated me like her favorite plaything for a week. We didn't officially reconcile the relationship, but the way she talked to me hinted very strongly at her intent at that precise moment. I don't need a label so I'm happy staying in this ill-defined relationship gray area if that's what she needs to not feel enmeshed (for a while, at least). But then then seemed to lose interest again, and also appeared to hold me in lower esteem. I feel that there is not really anything I can do from a bettering perspective to combat this. So since we didn't officially reconcile I'm expecting contact from her to trail off as she becomes mores and more apathetic. It's not a complete foregone conclusion as she has always had many push pull cycles with me without breaking up, but it seems like this one was over so quick that there's not much gas left in the tank.

Is this just the cycle that we're doomed to repeat until she's had enough, or is there any accounts of a BPD partner coming back and going on to build a stronger relationship? I get that I'm coming across very defeatist, but from what I've read once the relationship with a BPD has undergone a significant trauma then it's very hard to repair.

[once removed]

so youre in a position where contact has picked back up, was lovey dovey, kinda blew up, and is now trailing off. do i have that right?

it's not a complete foregone conclusion as she has always had many push pull cycles with me without breaking up, but it seems like this one was over so quick that there's not much gas left in the tank.

bottom line: dont wing this. if you want to get back with her, do the following:

learn the tools here
get to the bones of why the two of you broke up before...what was fundamentally not working about the relationship
with help (discuss it all here), figure out how you want to change that (if its possible) going forward.

your situation isnt all that abnormal for ex lovers. without details, its hard to advise, but you may have a lot more say in this than you think.

Is this just the cycle that we're doomed to repeat until she's had enough, or is there any accounts of a BPD partner coming back and going on to build a stronger relationship? I get that I'm coming across very defeatist, but from what I've read once the relationship with a BPD has undergone a significant trauma then it's very hard to repair.

this is what i mean when i say determine why you broke up (try to look at it from her perspective, too), and whats going to change.

each successive makeup/breakup cycle does damage the prospects of a relationship. its a "too good to leave, too bad to stay" situation...until something gives, and goes one way or the other.

[cosmical]

so youre in a position where contact has picked back up, was lovey dovey, kinda blew up, and is now trailing off. do i have that right?

bottom line: dont wing this. if you want to get back with her, do the following:

learn the tools here
get to the bones of why the two of you broke up before...what was fundamentally not working about the relationship
with help (discuss it all here), figure out how you want to change that (if its possible) going forward.

your situation isnt all that abnormal for ex lovers. without details, its hard to advise, but you may have a lot more say in this than you think.

this is what i mean when i say determine why you broke up (try to look at it from her perspective, too), and whats going to change.

each successive makeup/breakup cycle does damage the prospects of a relationship. its a "too good to leave, too bad to stay" situation...until something gives, and goes one way or the other.

Yes, you had that right.

The bones about why we broke up... towards the end she became very critical of me. I felt like I could do nothing right in her eyes. She still showed me affection but these moments grew less and less. I found myself becoming upset and depressed in the relationship inspite of still loving her. She had a realisation that she was abusive and that we shouldn't be together for both our sakes. She always tells me that she is sick and that she needs to heal, alone, but she also told me this before we started dating and it didn't stop her. I think I made her feel normal but eventually she was so critical of me that I would snap and prove to her that I'd seen too much.

We had been talking again for about 6 weeks by this point. I tried to learn from the past and be as supporting of her as I could, not engage in arguments and not get upset when she snapped at me, and although I originally had my doubts (as expressed in this thread), things seemed to be going well. I let her make all the moves and she started calling us a couple, sending flirty snaps and dropping lots of other hints that we were together, so a full rekindle seemed like a prospect.

That's when it all went pear shaped. We had a big argument about a guy (let's call him J) she was spending a lot of time with. I'm suffering from depression (starting on medication tomorrow) and I have days where I feel really down. I noticed that she was asking J to help her with things I could help her with (and indeed have helped her with.. it seems she has conveniently forgotten), so instead of dealing with this in a mature way I tell her I know when I'm not needed and leave. I then take this a step further and said "we never talk without J anymore". This really sets her off and she becomes very irritated and annoyed that I would create this "drama" when everything was going so well.

She tells me that installing snapchat again was a big mistake and deletes it (I'm her only contact). She also asks me point blank if I thought we were in a relationship, and I say of course I did because you referred to us as a couple! She then says she's not responsible for how I feel and says we're not going to be spending as much time together anymore.

At this point I'm feeling so hurt... it feels like she just broke up with me again and for what... one argument... when things were going so well? I couldn't understand this. The next day I try to play with her but she wants nothing to do with me. I'm demoted to a nobody on her friendslist and she will only respond in a platonic and icy manner.

My mind at this point is not stable. When she reappared in my life I knew to be careful. I knew that she may just be looking for some temporary validation and security, yet things had actually been going super well. I was finally allowing myself to think of us as together again because of all the moves SHE had been making, and then suddenly I'm nothing again.

I delete and block her from my friendslist. I'm so angry. She comes back into my life after a painful breakup, gradually makes me care for her until I'm in love with her again, and then ditches me with not so much as an apology. It feels like I was simply a battery she sucked dry.

She messages me elsewhere, absolutely livid that I would try to delete her, like she means nothing to me. Can you imagine the irony?
I tell her she can't be shocked I act this way when she gave me all this false hope. She says don't I dare try to pin this on her and says it's best if we don't talk again. This was 5 days ago and I haven't tried to message her.

It's really messing with my mind how dr jekyll can pop out and tear everything down so fast. Everything was so good and then the switch is flipped and I'm nobody to her.

She's not in treatment for BPD. I think I should just try to forget her and move on. But I really really do love her. We have some amazing memories together and even if she doesn't remember them, they are very real to me.

[once removed]

I think I should just try to forget her and move on. But I really really do love her.

youre at a crossroads, cosmical.

you can accept that the two of you may not be a great fit, walk away, and grieve the relationship.

or you can dig down, approach this in a radically different way, and really give things a fighting shot.

At this point I'm feeling so hurt... it feels like she just broke up with me again and for what... one argument... when things were going so well?

in your own words, you didnt handle things in the most mature way.

when a relationship has broken up, and reconciled, a lot of damage has been done, the relationship has been at least partly grieved.

typically, sure, theres a week, or a month, of good times, but then the same old dynamics come back out, and one or both parties is really done with it. it doesnt take much.

thats what happened here.

this can be recoverable, but theres no point in recovering it without a fundamental change in direction. 

rather than take it personally, own it. up your game. do what is really going to be required to, not remain in a state of "too bad to stay, too good to leave",  or enjoy a honeymoon period, but really get the relationship on a healthier trajectory.

https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

its been a month since you last posted. i really encourage you to make the most of your support group, and take advantage of what it has to offer.

[cosmical]

typically, sure, theres a week, or a month, of good times, but then the same old dynamics come back out, and one or both parties is really done with it. it doesnt take much.

thats what happened here.

this can be recoverable, but theres no point in recovering it without a fundamental change in direction.  

https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

You are right. If I get a chance then things will need to be different. Each time our relationship failed I learned a lot more about her.

Unfortunately this is pac man not groundhog day. Eventually you run out of lives and it's game over.

I think it's possibly game over now from how she ended it, although I thought the same thing the first time and she came back for another try a month later, like it never happened.

If she does come back then I will be ready with more knowledge and more realistic expectations. I think the only thing I can do is wait and hope that she has the impulse to reach out, and maybe she will because we are so good together 95% of the time. Sure I could send her a long heartfelt apology and promise her that things will be different, but in anyones experience with a BPD ex does that ever work?

[cosmical]

Maybe I could reach out in a gentle, non committal way? I feel so bad for being judgemental of her and then blocking her temporarily, causing her a great deal of anxiety. I just want her to know I'm really regretful of that but don't want to annoy her. But she said goodbye to me so I if I don't respect that then she could view it as not listening to her, so at least by not saying anything I am giving her the space she is asking for.

Overthinkign everything right now :/

[cosmical]

Well she reached out. I will update this thread soon. I'm not going to make the same mistake of only posting here when things go to hell.

[cosmical]

Well she reached out. I will update this thread soon. I'm not going to make the same mistake of only posting here when things go to hell.

Ok well a week after she said never talk to her again she came back and apologized. She also forgave me before I could even apologize (which I did anyway) and she started gushing about how she's so sorry for taking me for granted and hates herself for being this way.

She said we both forgot we we're supposed to be just friends so I'm glad she took some responsibility for leading me on, but I'm still a little confused as to what she wants ... like she says "just friends" but the way she talks to me often implies she wants more... like she's already started with the kiss emotes and things. That said we agreed to take things slowly and are limiting our time together for now. With our lockdown schedules we were spending all day together before and it just wasn't healthy.

I'm honestly really shocked that she came back (and so soon) since this was our second try, but that really gives me hope that she really does care about me and knows we can be good for eachother.

I think that she really does want more but she doesn't want the dynamic that has emerged both times things became serious (the one where she gets very snappy at me, I get hurt and we argue). It just makes her feel awful about herself. I'm just going to try and be there for her if she feels like she wants to try again, and be more mature this time. I actually did a lot better this time but when I had a moment of weakness everything snowballed. I also need to drop the mindset I had going into this of she's broken and this is destined to fail from the get go. If I believe this then I will get dejected and will start seeing monsters under the bed. Yes it's very likely to fail but if I can give it my best shot then I'll have no regrets.

[once removed]

She said we both forgot we we're supposed to be just friends so I'm glad she took some responsibility for leading me on, but I'm still a little confused as to what she wants ... like she says "just friends" but the way she talks to me often implies she wants more...

follow her lead on this.

its a generalization, but women will tend to lead when they are pushing for commitment/a relationship, or in terms of talks about the status of the relationship.

dont read more into it.

decide whether those are the terms you want to live by. decide, if they arent, what it will take to attract her as a romantic partner, or detach with grace.

and take the time to understand why she draws the lines where she does. this could be a case of a lot of things.

she could have residual feelings for you, but not enough to manifest into anything.

she could have residual feelings for you, but be unsure whether they can/should manifest into anything.

she could want to be just friends and shes the sort of personality that flirts with friends.