So confusing

[Gogo2020]

This is more of a vent than a question i guess. I’m just so scared and frustrated. My 18 year old’s DD’s behavior is so confusing to me. Most of the time she seems fine. She is motivated in school and seems engaged in the family.  She can be lovely. Until she is not and then all hell breaks loose. It seems almost cyclical?

Over the past 1.5 weeks she has snuck out of the house twice. Once to party with friends and once to meet up someone she met on tinder. I suspect to do drugs/sex but i don’t know for sure. Both times she left without telling us and turned off her phone so we could not contact her or find her.
I went through her phone after the last run away. I am not proud of it but i was desperate to know what happened. She has been buying weed every chance she gets. Due to COVID, it hasn’t been a ton but it’s not for lack of effort. She also has been on tinder and has sent very sexually explicit texts to several boys. She is clearly very promiscuous. She almost has a “persona”- tons of dirty talk and sexual aggression.

After the last run away episode,  she is remorseful and willing to get more help, but i know it’s only a matter of time before the cycle begins again. I know she embarrassed herself greatly the last time,  and that seems to  have motivated her to get better, but i know she will slip as it has happened before.

We are trying to get her to agree to a wilderness therapy program, but since she is 18 she needs to agree.

Looking back, she started showing symptoms in 8th grade but it developed so slowly and until recently  i thought it was all within normal teen acting out. I was concerned but not overly so until about 2 months ago. She is also ADHD and has always been impulsive.  She has seen a psychiatrist for years due to her ADHD but she has always been resistant to therapy.

I just don’t understand how the same kid can work hard at her schooling for 6 hours straight and then turn around and sneak out of the house to meet a  random  drug dealers from tinder!  The last time she ran away she had been working diligently for hours and then Snuck out the back of the house and jumped into a strange car! She didn’t even have shoes on! No money. 
So far she always comes backs within 6-7 hours but obviously she is really putting herself in harm’s way.

She also has different groups of friends... she portrays a different side of herself to the different groups. She told me recently that no one knows the real her. It is so heartbreaking.
She has always been resistant to therapy but recently agreed to try DBT. Because of COVID, the group sessions aren’t running so I don’t think it is enough therapy to really make difference when she is in crisis.
Her psychiatrist says we need to allow her to have her phone because she is 18 and we don’t want to isolate her. And i understand. But she uses that phone as a weapon to harm herself. I know i need to accept that she is an adult but i am so terrified.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Modesty68]

Hi there, Gogo20!
My daughter20 doesn't have the same behaviour, she is more depressed at all times - and having meltdowns. But from what I read, your daughters behaviour is not at all unusual. I think DBT will be great, so hopefully they will start up the group sessions soon.
I guess all types of treatment for BPD aquires willingness from the patient. BUT good therapists should be effective in creating such motivation.
I recently found the podcast series From Borderline to beautiful, and I like so much to listen to them. Because they show that it is hope.
Your D running away and being promiscuos I think is a kind of selfharming, and not her true self.
I also recommend Valerie Porrs book; Overcoming Borderline

Best of luck!

[Gogo2020]

Thank you. I downloaded the book and i am reading it asap. Thank you for the podcast as well. I will check it out!  I really need to hear some hope. I’ve joined some message boards to learn more and I’ve mostly heard very difficult, frightening scenarios.

The apparent competence thing is a real issue with my daughter. She comes across as very capable. She is generally extremely polite to everyone except our family and her therapist. She talks about starting college in the fall as if she hasn’t completely fallen apart over the past two months.
She makes me feel like i am losing my mind.