New to this forum and looking for support

[Sinetta]

  My husband and I are close to retirement age and moved from California to Texas for our last jobs. We have three well adapted young adult Kids and one that we thought was troubled. Her boyfriend and baby moved in with us so they can complete school. Her boyfriend has bi-polar disorder but has it under control with meds. They had only been together a short time before she became pregnant and much of that time was high on cannabis. Fast forward seven months and he has broken of the engagement. She forced him into counseling thinking the counselor would side with her. She now has a diagnosis of BDP which makes sense of the past 10 years. The boyfriend and I are  the focus of her attention. I cant drink a glass of wine, leave my bed unmade, go to bed when I want, hire a cleaner because I need to do it and..(fill in the blank) with it our it being an affront to her.

She remembers things in her childhood that never happened and blames everyone else. She says we don't love her, don't give her enough etc. She has the upstairs of the house and pays for nothing as they are going to school.

We had another blow up/melt down last night and she is moving out (again) and "I will never see my grandson again". I am still going to the counselor but she doesn't like him because he is honest with her and refuses to go.

I am so torn as she takes horrible risks with drugs and men and I am scared for her safety if she leaves. She has already burned her bridges with her boyfriends mother. Her brothers and sisters dislike her behavior as she spoils the little time we get to spend as a family. I could really do with some advice as I am sick to my stomach. Bless you all as you must be in a similar predicament.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[everestfox]

I’m sorry that you are dealing with this situation.  i suppose the silver lining is that you have a name to something you have not been able to put your finger on before.  i am new to the forum too so I cant offer much in the way of advice.  Has she accepted her diagnosis and gone to therapy?  Everyone says to set firm boundaries and that is more helpful to evwryone involved, but i myself am not sure of what that looks like ans how you execute it.  i have trouble always wanting to help, because i'm a pretty empathetic person anyway and i havent trained myself to realize that the ways you might help someone without BPD is probably the last thing you should do for somwo e wjth BPD.  definitely keep going to therapy for yourself.  you nedd an outlet and someone who can help give you tools to deal.  youre in my thoughts.  stay safe and take care of yourself.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi everestfox:
I'm so sorry about the problems with your daughter.

I cant drink a glass of wine, leave my bed unmade, go to bed when I want, hire a cleaner because I need to do it and..(fill in the blank) with it our it being an affront to her.

You need to establish boundaries - which are personal to you and are your responsibility to enforce.  Your house, your rules.  If you let her blackmail you with threats of NOT seeing your grandchild, it will never stop.

How do you usually react when she nags you about drinking wine or some cleaning issue? 

Unfortunately, two common traits, for someone with BPD, are blaming & being critical.

We had another blow up/melt down last night and she is moving out (again) and "I will never see my grandson again".   

It's likely that she will need help with babysitting in the future. If you have a habit of caving in to appease her, she may be counting on you to beg her to stay.

The only person you have control over is yourself.  Setting & enforcing your own boundaries & using certain communication techniques, can make things better for you.

The link below leads to "Workshops", where you can learn certain communication skills/strategies.  On the first page (there are 3 pages), you will find 3 separate workshops on the topic of "Validation/Don't Invalidate".

You don't want to validate anything that isn't valid, but it can be important to validate "feelings".  You don't have to agree with the feelings, but you are just acknowledging what she is feeling.  What's most important is that you don't invalidate by word, action, expression or body language.  Sometimes, it can be difficult to decide how to validate.  During those times, just stay silent & don't do anything to invalidate.

A 2nd skill you might want to master is SET (Support, Empathy, Truth).  It's a couple of lines down from the validation workshops.

A 3rd skill is to set Boundaries (which are personal to you & you can enforce).  There are a couple of links on the first Workshop page to some lessons on Boundaries.

WORKSHOPS:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=36.0

[livednlearned]

You have a lot on your plate, and a recent dx to explain what's going on. How does your daughter feel about her dx?

How old is the baby?

If you feel comfortable sharing what led to the meltdown, maybe we can help walk with you and think together some ways to respond when conversations heat up (always so quickly, in my experience).

Do you sense she will actually move out, or is this an ongoing threat she makes.