Help getting older child to seek treatment

[Roxi]

Hello All,
This is my first post:) My husband and I have a 20 year old daughter with BPD who currently lives in another state.  When she was younger I would describe her as an ornery baby and a demanding child yet adorable in between all of that.   She was never abused but I think we may have invalidated many of her feelings along the way as we didn't understand what we were dealing with. We really knew something was wrong when she turned 13, started her period and started 7th grade all at the same time.  It was like a switch was flipped!  She would say how much she hated her life and wanted to die.  There were many relationship issues with friends in middle school.  We even started her in a DBT program at the time but pulled her out as it didn't seem like the right fit. We've been trying to get her the proper help (several therapists) over the last 7 years. Her last therapist didn't actually think she had BPD as she presents more like she has anxiety. After high school, she attended our local state college for a year, incurred many struggles and decided not to return.   A year ago, we moved her across the country to pursue her passion of baking at a culinary school.  When she was nearing the end of her culinary program and starting her externship at a local bakery she became very overwhelmed and dropped out.  She quickly shifted to apprenticing with a tattoo artist which was going great for several months until her relationship (just friends) with the artist blew up.   She is smart and creative but, as you are probably picking up on, she can't maintain personal relationships.  Because she sees people's behavior as black or white, she usually ends up ending the relationship because no one can live up to her lofty expectations of perfection all the time.  She calls us in hysterics (says she wants to die, wants to kill herself or that nobody cares) semi-frequently when people disappoint her. She has never actually made a suicide attempt.   We empathize and try to get her to see some of the shades of grey but that feels to her like we are doubting her assessment of course.  She has a 21 year old sister and a 16 year old brother.  A few months ago we moved her sister out to live with her as they felt they wanted to give it a go (we agreed it would be on a trial basis).   They love each other very much but, as you can imagine, it can be very hard to be the older sister.  She takes a lot of abuse at times and I'm sure we'll need to be getting them separate living arrangements soon.  As parents, we are encouraging her to seek a local DBT program but to no avail yet.  We are struggling with learning the right boundaries for everyone in the family (still reading some of the key books and workbooks). We are trying to respect her as an adult yet she is still financially dependent on us.  My husband and I are going to find a therapist that can help us weekly.  Most days we feel like Class A enablers as she is pretty crafty at getting what she wants.  We'd love to use our "leverage" to get her into DBT but fear that if she doesn't do it voluntarily it will backfire.  We just want to be the happiest and healthiest family we can.  Any and all advice is welcome!  Thank you:)

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

Hi Roxi!
The positive here is you getting help for yourselves / going to therapy.  It is mandatory that parents have self care strategies in place and it is great you realize this. Gently tread with using leverage ( and a therapist can help you with your boundaries) .  The unfortunate reality is she's an adult and she will have to get the DBT willingly. 
I believe you are on the right track.  Please write to us and keep us posted. 

[Roxi]

Thank you Swimmy55, I appreciate your support and words of advice!  I'm also struggling with Mother's guilt for not having been able to see the signs quick enough.  Using meditation to try to let go as much as possible:)