My Daughter has BPD and bringing myself and my wife to our knees

[Patrick C.]

 

My daughter is intensely angry with us, especially my wife because she caused her BPD as she suffered from depression as my daughter was brought up. I'm accused of enabling this.
 We have very clearly apologised for this and ask for her forgiveness which she says she has.
My wife is currently  under a lot of pressure looking after her dymentia Mum, severely autistic brother who's in accommodation but needs overseeing plus a full time job.  My wife lost it and screamed at her and a terrible row ensued. Suicide threats and extreme verbal abuse follows. 
 At the moment she has given us an ultimatum that  A. we both unconditionally apologise. B. My wife gets counselling for anger and violence and C. I put something into place that makes it clear I will not tolerate my wife's behaviour in the future.

I don't know what to do.  Please help

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Gosh you are coping with so much! It sounds as though your wife has had to battle depression for a long time - but I am not sure that this is the cause of your daughter's bpd. We all feel guilty when we are pushed beyond our control and 'explode' in one way or another, and it is great to be able to apologise and move on. But your situation sounds different in that your daughter is using anything to blame you - especially your wife - and to divide you and your wife by demanding you do what she says. I think this is not a good situation for any of you. Can you and your wife have some counselling together, read some of the recommended texts together to be able to support one another in this situation. I get blamed for everything, and at first I did feel guilty - if only I had done this or that. But we all do the best we can and no one thing is the cause of BPD. I hope you can turn this situation around soon and work together to help your daughter with her problem.

[FaintTheGoat]

I really agree with Sancho on this. It sounds like a Karpman triangle. A book that really helped me get a grasp of the bizarre interpersonal dynamics at play and how to reduce drama is “When Your Daughter Has BPD” by Daniel Lobel. Your daughter may benefit from you and your wife being aligned about healthy behaviors vs unhealthy, what’s tolerated regarding rules and boundaries from your daughter and not.
With my own daughter (now 16/approaching 17 and finally diagnosed), a big journey has been trying to help her make the connection between the power she needs to have over her own life, choices, behavior, etc.
Things haven’t gotten better since symptoms appeared, just different. We are now able to spot patterns and have some better tools to manage outbursts, rage, defiant rule breaking, self harm, false accusations and splitting, etc.
This message board can be a helpful source of support and anecdotal guidance when there isn’t much information readily out there for parents of teens with BPD. Many mental health professionals also may not be well informed on the topic, too. The one treatment approach that has been somewhat useful for my daughter is Dialectical Behavior Therapy. Marsha Linnehan developed it specifically for BPD, after realizing that pwBPD were caught in a cycle not helped by CBT and other approaches.
I hope you and your family stay safe and will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers!