Trauma Bonds vs Freedom

[Imatter33]

Trauma bonds vs freedom

The relationship I had growing up with my immediate family centered around trying to give mom what she needed, what she expected, and to brace for impact when best efforts went completely awry.

My sibling relationships are not currently strong enough to stand on their own  footing, bc of the trauma bond of growing up with our mom. Our bond as siblings was solidified by offering support (to each other) on how each of us dealt with her. Not surprisingly, we have never learned how to be secure in our own lives. We never differentiated growing up. My efforts to do it now, have no doubt been confusing for them to witness. And to some my actions appear extremely selfish and make them angry at me.

I have removed myself from all of it by being in the NC camp. Where I will stay.
And since then I’ve decided to again for the 5th or so time FIRMLY reiterate that this is my stance, with the siblings and everybody else.
I received some backlash that stung but here is where i am now...

I am a grown up.

Get with me or get out of my way.

Trauma bonds are hard to break but I deserve this freedom.

I’m not in a place to receive feedback on potentially going LC.

I see that for me if I want to step into a life free of guilt, I allow myself to acknowledge I got here for a reason,  that is good enough for me.

I free myself of the comparison game of trauma and if my NC is justified. I free myself from the negative self talk that says I’m not a loving person or Godly bc of my NC.

I free myself from judgement.
I accept that this is where I am.

[zachira]

What you say is so sad yet so true. It takes a lot of courage to realize that your whole family is the problem and you will continue to be traumatized by them as long as you have contact. I am understanding from what you have written that you are once again reinforcing with your family that you want NC. Is this correct? I am wondering if there will be a time, when their attempts to contact you will no longer bother you. I have found that with unhealthy men who have established trauma bonds with me, that I eventually get over them. Having a dysfunctional family is a lifelong sorrow. I am not sure that there will ever be a time, when we will no longer be sad about growing up in a dysfunctional family, though with time the sorrow may be less acute and overwhelming.

[pursuingJoy]

Imatter33, hi!  What you wrote helped me understand a time in my own family. When we learned of my NPD dad's duplicitous life hit the fan in 2001, all five of us were given the same information, and all 5 of us had different reactions. He eventually moved across the country and even though were were adults with kids of our own, the family was left floundering without his dominating presence. We had no identity outside of what he'd assigned us. I've never considered the influence of trauma bonding. Where did you hear about that? I need to explore that idea more.

I am wondering if there will be a time, when their attempts to contact you will no longer bother you.

I haven't spoken with my dad since 2006. In 2016, he tried to reach me through one of my brothers. I could feel my heart pounding. I gave myself a few days to respond to my brother, time enough to breathe and remember that he can't hurt me any more. I simply declined and moved on with my life. Like zachira said, these are lifelong wounds. Over time their attempts to contact you may become easier to decline, though they may always evoke some level of emotion.

For some reason, it helps me to remember that I can change the boundary if I ever need to. Maybe it gives me some semblance of control? Maybe a reminder of the intentional purpose and love behind my actions, because sometimes I question my own motives? Maybe a reminder that it's not a boundary just for the sake of it, and if the situation or family behavior changed enough to merit a different response, I would be in-tune enough to know and respond in kind?

I love that you're giving yourself permission to be where you are.  You're not exacting vengeance by going NC. You're seeking healing and independence from years of emotional manipulation, maybe even opening doors for your siblings that they didn't know needed to open. We're with you, we trust you, we support you  :hug:and we're cheering you on