Not sure where to go, maybe divorce is my only option?

[Masang M]

Hello All,
It has been a long time since I have posted, so much has happened. Quick update, my hbpd lost his job in Jan, in Feb it came out he is a sex addict, we moved cross country in Mar he has been in pretty intensive therapy for 3 months and has the offical diagnoses of BPD, DID and PTSD and my life has become a living nightmare. His emotional abuse id off the charts, it has now become a daily game of emotional torcher with him anything that has upset me lie his sex addiction has now become an emotional weapon. I am in therapy, have a support group for the addiction but I'm beginning to think that his addiction may not be the problem but his BPD. The more independant I try and become the worse my life with him is. If anyone know of more support groups that may have helped you please let me know. I have been working on detaching but again the more I do the worse it is.   

[Cat Familiar]

Can you describe how he is verbally abusive and how you respond when he does that?

[Masang M]

He talks about his addiction, he doesn't want to give it up, looks at other women, talks about looking for hookups, uses his addiction as an excuse to be mean to me. Any vulnerability I have he will use it against me. He lacks boundaries, if I set up boundaries he violates them. I am learning that he has a major problem with abandonment and anything perceived to be me leaving him I become devalued. Today I was able to recognize that he was triggered and started down the path to devaluation, we were able to turn it around. I did order the walking on eggshells workbook, I am hoping that will help me navigate this. If you know any online zoom support groups I would love that as well.

[Cat Familiar]

Here's a great article on boundaries

Often when we think of boundaries, we're thinking about the other person's behavior, not our response to it. We cannot control how they are going to behave, but we can control how we respond to their behavior.

You cannot stop your husband from talking about his addiction or other women. Obviously he's being abusive in speaking about those things to you.

However you can say, "I'm not going to listen to you talking about those topics." And you can leave the room or the house, whatever is necessary to give you some personal space. Since he has an issue with abandonment, you might not have to repeat this often. But do not say you won't tolerate listening and continue to do so. That will just further cement the behavior you don't want.

[Masang M]

Thank you for the article, I have been setting boundaries, stopping conversations, if he is being obnoxious when we are out together he has to leave me by going to another part of the store or go sit in the car. Because his abandonment issues are so bad it only increases his fear of abandonment which in turn makes my life hell. The good news is he is in therapy twice a week and is working towards sobriety with daily meetings. Understanding the devaluing not less painful but helpful. We have been married a long time and looking back I can see the idoliaztion-devaluation cycle. I am starting to see triggers so that is helpful just really exhausting because any precieved abondonment triggers devaluation. 

[Cat Familiar]

Getting the addiction under control is a good first step.