Daughter Blocking Us From Seeing Our Granddaughter

[outrageous]

Hello!

I am new to this group.  My adult daughter has BPD, and probably has had it a very long time, but this is the first time she has  pretty much told me I am persona non grata in her life.  And she has been keeping our granddaughter from us.Some background: she has cancer and had surgery back in May.  I was the one she asked to be there, over her husband.  They got all the tumors in her neck but now she has an elevated white blood cell count.  Then her cat died and after that, not even a week later, her husband had a major heart attack.  That was when the flood gates broke and she took off ranting about all the terrible things we have done to her.  (We have been there for them, every minute, every day, in every way.  Were we doing TOO much?)  Now we are expected to apologize for things we never did or she will not speak to us.  We are supposed to have our granddaughter when she goes to have radiation but she will not speak to us about it at all.  

I have been reading the book"Stop Walking on Eggshells"  and have put boundaries in place, letting her know what they are.  So far we have not had a chance to use them as she is not speaking to my husband and I.  I am so hurt, crushed, sad, and yes, angry!  The things she has said to me, tearing my character down, and things that just are not true at all, have been very very hurtful.  My husband, who is her stepfather, and who has been there always, especially when her father was not, is extremely hurt as well.  What should/can we do?  I would appreciate any help anyone can give.

Many thanks!

outrageous

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

When you have given so much and been so available it is devastating to be treated in such a way. I am thinking though that it is not unexpected given the events that you describe. BPD people react to stress by blaming someone else - usually the closest person or people, and go 'right off' - my experience anyway. To have so many tough situations to deal with would test anyone's ability to cope, let alone someone with BPD I think? So heart breaking being kept from your beloved grandchild - this has also happened to me several times over the years. What I do is wait, let things calm a bit - and things have always returned ie child comes back to live here, BPDD reconnects (still blaming, yelling and at times threatening etc) ie the crisis passes and we return to the usual horror show. I hope you get to see your daughter and grandchild very soon!