BPD or just me?

[RestlessWanderer]

I’m wondering if this is common in BPD or is it something else? My uBPFw tends to vent after she gets frustrated/upset/angry with me. She will list a myopic perspective of what is the cause of our problems, basically my actions. She will ask why I did this, said that, didn’t to this, etc. She will say that she’s not fighting and just being vocal. But I can’t do anything like that without her disregulating. I can’t express frustrations, even if I’m carefully stating that we both share the blame, without her “hearing“ that I am making excuses and blaming her for everything.
Does this seem like a typical BPD behavior, or am I just frustrated because she seems like she wants everything to be my fault?

[I Am Redeemed]

From the stories on these boards, this is a very common behavior that members here experience with their family members.

My ex would frequently do exactly what you described, particularly if he got wound up about something. He would relate everything as being my fault, somehow. His every emotion was my fault. Even if it started as a rant about something or someone else, inevitably it would come back to me and my faults and how I wasn't helping him, or how I was selfish and not taking care of his every need, or how he couldn't do this or that because of me. Sometimes he would say that he was the only one putting in effort into the relationship. Sometimes he would say that he was the one walking on eggshells! (that is so laughable to me now).

I think it likely has to do with the black-and-white thinking of BPD and also the defense mechanism to avoid toxic shame. The problem cannot be within them. It has to be someone else, because they see extremes of Bad/Good and if they admit that they are causing conflict then they are Bad, Worthless, Unlovable, and that is intolerable. Deep down, they believe the negative message of "I'm not good enough" and so they have defense mechanisms to protect themselves from that message.

[Cat Familiar]

Since personality disorders are not static and can have varied expressions, the way you describe your wife’s behavior sounds like she has a lot of NPD traits, particularly the blaming.

[globalnomad]

This is precisely what my wife does. It often has to do with me failing to anticipate some need that she never clearly expressed -- but expected me to read her mind about. I imagine in a "normal" relationship these type of frustrations are mentioned once, acknowledged, and then everybody moves on. With us, though, the venting usually drags on and on to the point where my validation skills get pushed to the max and I end up getting frustrated, which escalates the venting... And so it goes. Have you found anything that works in these situations? In my case finding an excuse to walk away and get busy usually minimizes the damage. 

[RestlessWanderer]

Redeemed, I have heard the "walking on eggshells" comment too. She will usually say that when my body language shows my reaction to her harsh words. She will say that I am too sensitive. I usually laugh that one off, inside.
Cat, that's interesting about the NPD traits. I've noticed some of that myself, particularly in how she will boast about her accomplishments. She has noted that I don't always applaud her. Which I attribute to me preferring being modest and confident over bragging and gloating. I always imagined that she did that to feel good about herself and to cover up the ways she may loathe herself.
Global Nomad, I try my best to just walk away. If I agree with her, then she takes it that I am acknowledging that I am to blame, which escalates things. If I disagree then I am in denial, which escalates things. If I try to acknowledge and validate her emotions, then I am just spouting psychobabble, which escalates things. So the most effective is just standing and listening in silence. And if she starts to throw too many insults, I will walk away.
I've learned this through trial and error. I still make the mistake of reacting, usually JADEing. So I have to not only listen to her, I have to maintain an inner dialogue that helps me identify what is happening, gage my responses and keeps me from getting triggered. Which makes it really hard to pay attention to what she's saying. She will often squeeze in bits of vital information between insults, which I often miss because I've tuned her out.
I am not mastering this by any means, but I am getting better at it.

[formflier]

And if she starts to throw too many insults, I will walk away.
 

I'm curious how you determined how many insults is ok for you?

Isn't 1 too many?

Best,

FF

[RestlessWanderer]

Isn't 1 too many?

BINGO!
 I’m drawing the line at 1.